Della is FIVE months old today! As she grows, every month brings new emotions. New milestones. New memories. New appreciation for motherhood. The day you first hold your child you think you can’t possible love your child any more than you do in that moment, but with each passing day I have felt my love grow stronger and more unconditional. I wanted to take some time today to reflect on the last five months.
Childbirth is different when you know when it is going to happen. I was induced, so I knew ahead of time what day to look forward to. With that comes a lot more fear and anxiety spread out over time because you know when your time is going to run out. You know when your last day to prepare is. I remember laying in bed the night before we went to the hospital thinking about how I got to meet the human inside of me as soon as the sun came up. I don’t know if I closed my eyes for more than ten minutes that night.
In the last five months, my life has changed so much! It’s been a beautiful whirlwind of emotion, maturity, strength, and more love than I ever knew I was capable of giving. I have surprised myself in more ways than one, and I am so thankful for the village that supports me.
In the last five months I became the mom that I always dreamed of becoming. I have relished in the joy of seeing something that I created grow, learn, and change. I have overcame the pain of a cesarean, struggles of body insecurity, postpartum depression, and feelings of overwhelming failure. I have grown to love the woman I am, despite the pressure I feel from society. I have seen my entire heart existing on the outside of my body.
In the last five months I’ve seen my daughter grow so much! She went from being an innocent, fragile newborn that slept 18 hours of the day to a spunky, happy girl that smiles at anyone who talks to her and plays most of the day. First, we were excited when her eyes could follow us across the room. Then our hearts swooned once she started to smile. Hard to believe that she can now roll over onto her belly and eat rice cereal from a spoon!
In the last five months I’ve learned how to transition my relationship from simply dating and easily enjoying one another’s company to having to balance raising a baby while making the time to keep the fire lit. There’s been nights where we argued over whose turn it was to get up with Della at 3am, who tightened the lid on the bottle too tight, who got the most sleep the night before, and who changed the last diaper. Through all the unimportant arguments, restless nights, and stress of raising a baby for the first time, we have managed to make time to keep our relationship strong and intimate. There are nights I get into bed burnt out and exhausted, and Dylan never ceases to sense my frustration and pull me closer, kiss my forehead, and hold me until he falls asleep. Our date nights are still full of adventure and conversation. He still tells me my body is beautiful, even though all I see is loose skin and stretch marks when I look in the mirror. In the last five months, I have fallen more in love with the man that helped create the beautiful girl that has taught us what true love is. There is nothing better than watching your best friend and partner be a father.
In the last five months, I have experienced so much love. Genuine and delicate love. Happy five months, Della Rae. I am so excited to watch you continue to grow!!! ❤️