The Voices Inside My Head

I am a whirlwind of emotion

I look for signs that don’t exist

And I end up breaking my own heart

 

I overthink

And overlove

And care too much

And spend too much time

Pleasing everyone else but me

Maybe someday I will love myself

As much as I love others

 

But I like being vulnerable

I like wearing my heart on my sleeve

I like putting everything I have into love

I guess you could say 

I deserve the pain

Because I set myself up for it

I know things won’t change

But I can’t bring myself to do

What I know needs to be done

So I continue to wallow 

And let the voices inside my head

Drive me insane

 

 

 

June Blogging Challenge: Day 12

Day 12!

Today’s prompt for the June Blogging Challenge is 

Your favorite color

My favorite color is yellow. 

To me, yellow resembles a time in my life when I overcame a lot of darkness and came out of a deep depression. To me, the color yellow is like awakening from a nightmare. It’s radiant and electrifying. It’s happy.

It’s the person I strive to be.

Radiant.

Electrifying.

And most importantly,

happy.

The Versatile Blogger Award 2019

Dollfaced Writer has nominated me for my first Versatile Blogger Award of 2019! Awards like these are fun because we get to show appreciation to the blogs we like and get recognized for the posts that we write. Make sure you check out Dollfaced Writer’s blog and some of her posts. Thank you for the nomination!!

The Versatile Blogger Award was created to celebrate bloggers who have unique content, good writing, beautiful images, or photography.

Here are the rules:

Thank the person that nominated you.

Link to the blog of the person who nominated you. 

State 7 facts about yourself.

Give the award to 7 others.

 

Facts About Me:

  1. My full name is Chrisadella (pronounced Cris-uh-dell-uh) Danielle Marie Weaver.

  2. I will be 23 years old on October 14th! Autumn is my favorite season!

  3. I have five sisters and one brother.

  4. I am totally a tomboy! I love sports, camping, fishing, hiking, four wheeler riding, etc.

  5. I serve in the United States Army.

  6. I want to be a teacher someday! I’m thinking middle school-aged kids (5th – 8thgraders).

  7. My favorite movies are The Green Mile and Forrest Gump.

I nominate:

 1. Blog of the Wolf Boy

2. blahblahblahjm

3. #MILLENIALLIFECRISIS

4. Phoenix With A Pen

5. Something to Stu Over

6. lifewithlilred

7. Lindsay Chamberlin

I hope you all play along and thanks for the nomination!!

 

Sharing My Story & Creating a Following Along the Way

I woke up to a very cool WordPress notification on my phone!

I HIT 100 FOLLOWERS!

I have always loved writing. English classes were my favorite, I loved writing essays and doing research. I took Journalism classes in college. Even though I love writing so much, making it a career seems unfeasible due to the fact that I live in a rural area where making good money from writing would be next to impossible. So I decided to start this blog. I did not know anyone who blogged personally and I definitely didn’t know any popular bloggers… so trying this out was something I started with no idea how it worked or where it would lead. I just knew I wanted to share my story with others in hopes that my words would help someone else with similar experiences. Growing up with a drug-addicted mother and a father I didn’t even know the name of, I felt so alone. As I started talking more about what I experienced as a kid, I realized I had a unique talent of offering advice and sharing my perspective to those that were like me. I realized that I wasn’t alone. I realized that maybe I was the light of hope and understanding for someone else, like I had always wanted someone to be for me.

I am thankful that this site has allowed me to share my story with both friends and strangers. I have received so much encouragement and love from my readers, and that makes it all so meaningful. I knew from the moment that I could gather my own opinions on my situation that I wanted to share it with anyone and everyone, so that someone like me wouldn’t feel the loneliness and desperation that I felt on my very worst days. I hope this blog has brought hope and comfort to those that have struggled with similar circumstances. I hope this blog has shed light on the problem with drug addiction we face within our families, communities, and world.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support. It means more to me than I could ever express in writing. 🖤

You are not your parent’s mistakes

You are not your parent’s mistakes. You are not responsible to carry their burden.

I have always struggled with this. Living in a small town community, nearly everyone knows your business, baggage and all. The thing about me, though, was that I was so very different that most of the other kids in my high school. When I say that I was from a small town, what I mean is that I graduated from high school with a class of 54. There were only two students in the entire high school that identified as something other than white. When I say there was no diversity, I mean NONE. Zilch.

So to feel like the outsider when most everyone was all so alike, was like carrying a bowling ball in my backpack hoping no one would notice.

I was ashamed of my mom. She was using meth and was in and out of prisons all throughout the state. And I felt like it was written all over my forehead, as if someone could see her mistakes when they looked at me. I felt nervous if someone looked at me for more than a few seconds.

They probably know that I’m the kid of a drug addict.

So my confidence went on the decline. I didn’t give people the benefit of the doubt – I just assumed that everyone could tell what I came from. I thought my mom’s choices defined me, and that held me down for a very long time.

I grew up, moved on, and came to understand that the person she became was not going to be the person that I would become. I wanted different, and I was in the position to do so. My aunt and uncle took me in, taught me right from wrong, supported me, and loved me as their own. All I had to do was believe in myself as much as they believed in me.

It’s hard to distance yourself from something that feels like a part of you. I will always feel the void where my mom doesn’t exist. I will always feel a tingle of embarrassment when someone tells me that they know who my mom is. I came from her. I exist because of her. 

And to decide that those things don’t matter is very hard to do.

I am not my mom’s lapse in judgement. I do not have to carry the weight of her misguidance on my shoulders. I am not her.

I am strong-willed and brave. I have a brilliant mind. I am a force to be reckoned with. I am happiness and power, rolled up as one.  I am nature. I am beautiful. I am hard-working and resilient. I am me.

There is so much that am, and it has nothing to do with my mother.

You

Are

Not 

Your

Parent’s

Mistakes.

June Blogging Challenge: Day 10

10 on 10 photos – with or without captions

Today’s prompt is a fun one! It gives me a chance to tell you guys a little bit about myself and give you some visual aides! I would LOVE for some of you guys to do this one with me!! I am always wanting to know more about all of you!

1. ME! 🙂

This is a quick little selfie I took this morning before work!

2. My FAMILY ❤️

My fiancé Dylan and our baby Della Rae

3. Our kitty, Archer

4. Can’t leave out our other kitty, Mojo

5. Hobbies

Blogging! And can’t forget… Being a MOM!

6. My fiancé

7. Something I’m proud of

8. My JOB

I am a Pricing Clerk at a Food ReDistribution Center, called Dot Foods

9. My favorite color

YELLOW – it’s such a HAPPY color! 🌞

10. Thank you!!!

I love you all!! 🥰🥰🥰

I am ALMOST to 100 followers, which to some of you readers may not be much, but 💯 people wanting to read the words that I write seems INSANE! When I started this blog back in February of 2018, I never expected to receive so much support and make so many new friends, let alone actually reach almost 100 followers on my site! So THANK YOU for the follow and all the love!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

June Blogging Challenge: Day 9

Good evening, everyone! I like today’s prompt because it has special meaning to me!

Your favorite quote/saying and why

This has special meaning to me because one of my favorite motivational sayings comes from my great-grandma! She is going to be 95 years young next month!!! As remarkable as it is, she still drives a car, lives completely on her own, and takes care of herself!! She is so beautiful and inspiring!

“If it is to be, it’s up to me”

She always used to tell us kids that. It meant so much to me that I actually got it tattooed on my collarbone.

June Blogging Challenge: Day 8

Helllooooo! It’s Day 8!

My top three favorite blogs to read right now, in no specific order, are:

1. Dollfaced Writer

2. Flowers In The Brain

3. Haelim’s Couch

When I read blogs, the things that excite me the most are those that write with emotion and display positivity. All of the above writers have amazing posts on a variety of topics. Mental health, testimonies, personal stories… Thank you for reminding me why I love my blog family here on WordPress.

 

Go give these blogs a follow! I promise you won’t regret it! 💝

Know of an interesting blog I should follow? Drop a link in the comments! 👇🏻👇🏻

Even through addiction, there is still so much to be thankful for

I would like to consider myself an expert when it comes to experience as a victim of addiction. Not that I am the addict, but I am the victim of guilt, anger, embarrassment, and shame. All of these feelings I have experienced solely because of the addiction of someone else. I don’t always think that’s fair, but it is the way it is.

I have had amazing, soul-freeing days. Days where I flourished in love and joy. But I’ve also had dark, sinister days where I didn’t care if the sun ever rose again. And I am proud to say that the good days have always outweighed the bad.

Even though my life isn’t the way I want it to be sometimes.

Even though there is a gaping hole where the presence of my mother should be.

Even though I have so much anger and sorrow.

There is still so much to be thankful for.

My mom missed out on every prom I ever went to. Every basketball game I ever played. Every boy I ever cried over. And every tribulation I faced through pregnancy. Those are things that she will never get back, and that is a pain that she and I will have to bear for the rest of our lives.

But I’ll tell you what… I did have people there.

Even though my mom wasn’t in the bleachers at every basketball game, I had family and friends that were. Even though my mom didn’t help me unpack the car when I moved into my dorm room when I first went off to college, the man that raised me did. Even though my mom wasn’t there for nearly every single significant moment in my life, I had people there. 

I was never alone, and I always felt supported and loved. So even through addiction, there is still so much to be thankful for.