One year passes fast.
One year with a child? Way faster.
We never know what to expect when we start the journey of motherhood. For me, it felt like I’d never be ready to take on the responsibility of caring for another life besides my own.
The unknown is scary, but to me, the fear of failing was much greater.
I had nieces and nephews and had seen the graceful care that my sisters had given their children. I knew that changing diapers would get old really quick and I knew that formula was expensive. I knew that skin to skin contact was helpful in comforting a newborn and I knew that being a mom would be really hard, but rewarding nonetheless.
But I still didn’t know if I would be cut out for the job.
I’ve always struggled when it comes to showing others the softer, more gentle side of my personality. I’m sarcastic and rough around the edges. I grew up with a lot of anger and resentment towards my own mother that I wondered if I could ever be the mother that I wished I would have had when I was young. I teeter tottered with anxiety and fear the entire nine months that I was pregnant.
But now I have made it ONE ENTIRE YEAR as a mom, and there is just something about that milestone that pushed me to write this post.
One year ago I was sitting in a hospital with a six inch incision in my abdomen, holding a life that I had just brought into this big, scary world. My pain meds had me in and out of consciousness, but I was trying my best to stay awake to stare at this precious child that was just inside of my body just a few short hours prior.
I looked at her cheeks and grasped her little fingers and wondered why I ever worried about becoming a mom in the first place.
We were in the hospital for five days, and then we took our little Della Rae home.
I sit here now thinking about the person I was one year ago compared to the person that I am now.
Strength and confidence now fill the spaces that were once laden with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty.
Others will swear by your beauty, but until you see your smile resembled from the lips of your child, you may never believe that you were ever beautiful at all. I promise you, it was always there. And your child will convince you of it every day.
I now know that my heart knows no bounds. Every time I look at her I feel as if there is no possible way I could love her any more than I do in that moment, and then the next day comes and I’m surprising myself with even more love and joy in my heart that I am afraid it may just explode right out of my chest.
I went to work two months after I had her. I’ve learned a different meaning of working for everything you want. I’m a provider. I’m a learner.
And I’m still just trying to find the right balance.
Motherhood is hard, but in ONE YEAR I’ve become a woman that FEELS powerful, strong, and worthy. I FEEL proud, gentle, and fierce when needed. I feel an immense amount of love, support, and gratitude.
The power that one year can have is something you won’t understand until the year has passed and all you have are the memories of who your baby once was.