My Empty Satisfaction

Sometimes I sit here and think and think and think about what to write about. It often seems like the times I get filled with inspiration and motivation to write is when I don’t have my laptop near or the time to get it put together on paper. I’ll be driving down the road and an idea will hit me and I tell myself ‘Don’t forget this idea… it’s GOLD’ and when I get home I realize that I can’t even remember the topic I was even thinking about.

Motherhood is a full-time job and on top of the full-time job that I have outside of that, I feel like I don’t have time to pursue the hobbies that I most enjoy, like writing. I wouldn’t trade motherhood for the world, but it means that I have to put the less important activities on the back burner. I still dream of having thousands of people read the words that I write, but for now that dream seems so far away and so unobtainable.

But what do I do?

I’m stuck in the middle of providing for my amazing daughter, keeping my relationship full of spontaneous adventures, maintaining success within my career, and trying to keep my own sanity. I truly do love the life that I’ve built, but sometimes I sit in a dark room drooling over the idea of a life where I am able to focus only on myself. I don’t know if that makes me selfish, but it’s something I’ve come to admit to myself within the depths of my consciousness.

I want to read more books. I want to write more words. I want to express my love for language and knowledge with more people, but I just don’t know how at this time in my life.

Is it possible to feel so incredibly happy and proud of the life I have, but also still fill a gaping hole of everything that I haven’t yet accomplished?

Will there ever be a time where everything I aspire to be comes together?

I am so full of satisfaction, but also still so empty.