His Name Was George Floyd

Some Cheer!

After thirteen long days from home, my fiancée and daughter made the trip upstate to visit me!

I thought I was going to go crazy being away from them this long, but FINALLY some cheer was brought to my life! I ended up having today and yesterday off, so I actually got to spend TWO days (practically) with them!

It was in the upper 80’s the whole time, but we did our best to stay cool as we walked through parks and on some trails.

The most frustrating part about it was that I couldn’t have them in my hotel since we’re running a testing site and the fact that EVERYTHING (including park playgrounds) was closed. So we drove around and played outside as well as we could.

Although we couldn’t do much, feeling my daughter’s arms around my neck was JUST what I needed. Not to mention the hugs and kisses from Dylan 🥰

I’m so blessed to have a man that supports my military career and picks up the “mothering” duties while I’m away. Being a parent is HARD and I know it’s even harder when you’re doing it alone.

I hope you all had a safe and fun Memorial Day weekend, as this won’t be one that I soon forget!

Day On, Day Off

We are currently working one day on and one day off at the Coronavirus testing site. That may change in the coming days as we are opening a new site tomorrow.

So today is my day off and on these days I lay in bed, watch TV, workout, and miss home. I don’t feel so lonely on the days when we are working at the testing site, but these days off really get me. So much time alone to sit and think about home. I try to read and I sit and try to find inspiration for another blog post. Most days I don’t come up with much.

I’ve been away from home for 10 days now and it is beginning to feel like an eternity. I’ve done okay considering this is the longest I have been away from my daughter, but I recognize that my mental health is declining with every passing day.

I got up and did my hair and makeup to pass time. I feel good when I look good, but now I’m just sitting here wondering what the rest of the day is going to bring. I have friends here, but for the most part I just feel alone.

This is the family that I so dearly miss…

Letting Go of Anger

I have a hard time talking about my mom.

Sometimes when I’m with friends I just want to sit and talk and talk about all of the good, the bad, and in-between.

Tonight I found myself spewing random memories and feelings at some of the friends in my unit and I noticed when I said something that I hadn’t ever before found the right words to describe how I feel.

You know, sometimes you just word vomit and as you’re explaining something, the words just fall into the right pattern. I was explaining how the relationship with my mom is really hard and I found myself saying

“It’s not that I’m actively angry at her. I don’t put any energy into my feelings toward her. It’s more that I’m passive aggressively angry at her.”

I don’t even know if that really makes sense to people that haven’t ever experienced what I have when it comes to having an estranged relationship with their mom.

But what I mainly mean is that… I’m really, truly not actively angry anymore. I’m no longer looking for reasons to be upset and I don’t spend much time thinking about what I could have done differently. I understand that addiction has underlying explanations and I understand that none of those reasons are a result of something that a child does. I was seven years old when DCFS took my sister and I from our mother, and though it felt like it was my fault at that time, I now understand that there are multitudes of reasons why it happened.

And none of those reasons were because of something I did.

I know that I was innocent in the matter and I’ve accepted that it’s part of my past that I can’t change, even though I so desperately wish things were different. Of course part of me wishes I could have done anything to make matters different, but that is just simply not the case.

So I guess the best way to describe my feelings is that I’m not actively putting any energy into being angry. Of course I still feel sad and upset, but I’m more passive aggressive towards the situation than I ever have been in my entire life. There were days in my junior high years when I punched walls with anger and cried myself to sleep – and I’m not saying I still don’t have hard days accepting what my life is – I’m just no longer wasting any energy on hating my mom for everything that she wasn’t. I’m no longer wishing I could have been better for her. I’m no longer feeling like the reality of our relationship was at the mercy of my own hands.

I was a child and she was wrapped up in addiction.

And that’s all there is to it. No more. No less.

Home

They say

That Home is where the heart is

But how can that be true

When I can’t even remember

What it feels like to lay in my own bed

I can’t remember what he smells like and

I can no longer hear my daughter’s laugh

Thundering in my thoughts

I am here

And they are there

So now I’m sure

That home is not a place

But instead

The arms of a person

A New Adventure

In August of 2015 I enlisted in the Army National Guard. I had the dream to serve in the military once my great-grandmother told us kids stories about her twin brothers serving in the Navy back in the 1950’s.

It’s been almost five years and I’m really thankful for a lot of the friends and experiences I’ve gained since I made the decision to join.

So now I’m on another military adventure.

My unit was activated to help run a Coronavirus testing site here in the state. I left my daughter and fiancee on the 12th and this is the first time I’ve been away from them for an extended period of time. Right now our orders are through June 24th, but that could always change. My heart hurts looking at pictures of them and I’m just hoping these six weeks fly by so I can get back home and wrap my family in my arms. I’m super blessed to have an amazing fiancee that supports me and picks up the “motherly” slack while I’m away. I got my first paycheck yesterday and I ordered him the banjo he’s been wanting for quite awhile. He’s a talented musician and likes to learn new instruments, so I was excited to buy him that as a big THANK YOU for all he’s doing while I’m away.

The good news is that I should get plenty of time off since we are pretty overstaffed up here. I’ll use my time to dive into my writing and reading some more, so be prepared for more articles coming your way from me!

As always, stay safe and hug your loved ones tight!

💓

The Devil on My Shoulder

I have so many deep thoughts that I don’t know how to put into words

I feel angry

… but I also feel forgiving

I feel independent

… but I also feel helpless

I feel beautiful

… but I also have days where I stare at my face and search for beauty that I just can’t find

There are a million thoughts running through my head every minute and sometimes it’s all just

too

much.

I love myself and I love those around me, but there are times that the dark, dirty depths of my consciousness seem to be the only words that the devil on my shoulder whispers into my ear.

I can psych myself out just listening to every word he tells me.

It’s like I can stop the little red man from saying these things, but something inside of me begs to just hear him out. I don’t stop listening and honestly, I don’t want to.

He is part of me, whispering these sheepish ideas that leave me paralyzed and imploring for him to tell me more.

Remind me of how bad I am.

Tell me about all of the guilt I can’t come to terms with on my own.

Make me feel worse right now so that the days that you are gone are the days that I can convince myself that maybe I’m as bad as you say I am.

The days come and go, and so do the doubts and ambiguity. The devil’s murmurs become my own thoughts and it’s hard for me to recognize which damnation is coming from him, or me.

Eventually the devil’s voice fades.

And I realize the only voice that I hear now

is my own.