The Soul-Awakening Power of Motherhood

Let’s talk about


Watching your child grow and explore their environment has always had such a hold on me. I can’t help but feel such a disconnection between the child I was once pregnant with and the child I’m now watching run, talk, and grow. The milestones of pregnancy are amazing,too. One month they’re the size of a peanut and before you know it, you can’t tie your own shoes.

But that’s different.

You don’t get to see the amazing growth happen right in front of you. I often sit on our couch and watch Della play with toys. She will sit there and study the doll, turning her around in her hands over and over. Then realize that there is an odd part of the doll’s shirt where the pieces of fabric are fastened together. She pull and tug on that odd contraption until she wiggles it just right that the shirt comes undone. Now I can tell by the look on her face that she is interested.

What does this do?

Why is this like this?

I continue to watch her as she learns the process of undressing and dressing dolls without saying a word. And without help! I am literally Della’s best cheerleader…

I fell into this amazed and wondrous state after every. single. milestone. Sometimes that happened every day, which is why motherhood is single-handedly the most exhilarating thing I’ve ever experienced.

And I never want to take that for granted.

So, yeah, sometimes I sit and watch my child play in admiration. Life is happening all around us. It’s easy to not pay attention to. We fall into spells where life feels so mundane and routine that we forget that everything is changing. All around us! In our children, in our homes, in our communities… I’d make the argument that nothing is the same.

But this is just something I constantly feel because the power of motherhood hits me so strongly sometimes. Yesterday I took Della’s crib out of her bedroom and now in it’s place is a toddler bed. I know some won’t understand my emotions about getting a new bed, and I also know that some can feel a tinge in their heart because they know exactly where I’m going with this. I had to let go of that bed. Once your child is past a milestone, all you have left is the memory of the excitement you felt while celebrating those moments. Making the transition from crib to toddler bed is no small task for a mother consumed in parenthood. Della has been in that crib since she was six months old. Now she is nearly two. I’ve said farewell to the tiny child Della was not so long ago, and I am now welcoming the new, more experienced Della that is to come. Letting go is hard. Celebrating milestones are fun. Every day is different if you pay close enough attention.

Nothing is the same.

That’s why we should enjoy every second we can as it’s happening.

You never know the true, raw power of motherhood until it reaches you so deeply it awakens your soul.

There is nothing else in this world that can give you that kind of power.

September Blogging Challenge: Day 10

A Day in Your Life

I’m going to choose one of the best days in my life so far… the day my daughter was born!

January 5th, 2019

My daughter was measuring almost 10 pounds, and with my petite statute of 5’4, my OB warmed me that a vaginal delivery could be dangerous as my daughter would probably get stuck on my hips. So my fiancée and I decided to have an elective cesarean birth.

We got up at 4am, went to the hospital, and anxiously awaited for the time to come.

1:56pm. I was in labor from about 6am until she was born and it was a long, exhausting day full of emotion, anxiety, and fear. I was induced on a Saturday and they don’t normally do elective procedures on the weekend due to the shortage of anesthesiologists that work on Saturdays, but we were able to get one come down for Della’s delivery.

She came and our lives have been changed for the better ever since.

Our beautiful Della Rae.

Oh, how she’s changed.

Oh, the obstacles we’ve conquered since she’s been in our lives.

Oh, how her beauty and spunk has shaken our world up.

I love her to pieces and I can’t imagine a life without her.

September Blogging Challenge: Day 9

Okay, I’m a week late on this… SO WHAT!

I need to be more present on here, and these 30 day challenges are a fun, easy way to make sure I’m posting! So here is what we are working with for the rest of the month of September:

Today’s OOTD (Outfit Of The Day)

The temperatures here lately are beginning to feel more like fall. I’ve had the air off and the windows open the last few days. Today I decided to bring out a sweater and my comfy house slippers. And you bet if I’m lounging around the house I’m wearing leggings!

I’ve had my fall decor up for weeks now! It’s the start of the best time of the year and I am SO ready to sit by a fire in a hoodie and wear boots and sweaters to work everyday!

Processed with VSCO with a10 preset

How are you welcoming fall? 🍁🍂

Love is Hard

I don’t know how to love my mom. Or if I’m ever even going to be able to.

Some people can easily let the words “I love you” spew from their mouth, but I have never been that kind of person. Of course I have no issue pulling my daughter or fiancee in for a hug and telling them that I love them, but the words to people outside of that circle do not come as easily.

This makes me think back to growing up. My sister Victoria and I were five months different in age and we did nearly everything together. Strangers would even ask us if we were twins. Anyway, we both went through our own different stories of trauma in our childhood, which was probably part of the reason we grew to be so incredibly close. We both had sassy, smart mouths and often got in trouble together for running them when we shouldn’t have. We were close – and she is still one of my absolute favorite people on this planet – but we did not put that love on display. We even mocked displaying love to others. We rarely hugged, because we both never felt totally comfortable with it. When we said “I love you” to one another, we would say it and then immediately *gag*. We did this even into our twenties and now that we live in different states and both have a kid, we’ve kind of outgrown it.

My mom came to my house last week to visit. She has been clean for almost a year and I am super happy about that, but we still don’t talk all that much and being around her is just super uncomfortable for me. I can say, though, that having her around last week was actually very enjoyable. My daughter even let her hold her and they played on the floor together.

My insides were smiling, but then I noticed the gaping hole in my heart, realizing what could have been if drugs hadn’t taken her from us for so long.

She stayed and visited for a few hours and when she got up to leave I stayed sitting down. My younger sister got up saying, “Wait! I want to give you a hug!” When she said that I immediately got nervous because I knew that my mom would in turn expect the same thing from me. So I got up and gave her the hug, but when she said she loved me I fell silent.

I don’t know how to love her. I don’t feel comfortable just sitting across from her on the couch. There is so much water under the bridge, and I don’t know how to let go of what was and accept what is.

I’m not actively angry (I’ve said this before). I’m just simply unsure of how to heal from the past. I don’t know how to let her in.

I’m happy for her progress and I’m happy that she gets to see her grandbaby, but I don’t feel like that means that I owe her anything. I just don’t know how to love her.