College is a scam

Someday I’ll get to where I want. But for now, I just feel like a failure because I still haven’t achieved what I thought I would.

And I don’t know exactly what that is, but I just know I’m not there yet. I don’t really have an specification of where I want to be or what I want to do, so I guess it makes it kind of hard. I’m three semesters away from a Bachelors- if I had chosen a degree.

Buuuuut I still haven’t.

So why waste the money to go when I don’t know what I want to do?

And besides. THAT choice is huge!!! And I’m so jealous of the people that know from Day 1 what they want to do.

They want to be a nurse, so they go to college for four years, get hired on at a hospital, and work in that field for the rest of their lives.

I’m not that lucky.

I love so many things. And I take deep interest in nearly everything (NOT MATH AND NOT ACCOUNTING) that I study. I love music and I love journalism. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I also wanted to be a Park Ranger and there was a stint where I thought Social Work would be a good fit. Oh, but I also really like studying science, but I don’t want to shoot too high because I don’t want to be a damn engineer or biologist. And I really like teaching others so I played school a lot as a child. I would love being a teacher! But the pay is so awful… And then I also wanted to be a Psychologist but the school was too long for my taste. So I thought Radiology would be cool, but ehhh, would it be cool for FORTY YEARS? So then I chose business because that is what everyone who doesn’t know what they want to do, does. Annnnd my first semester hit me with Economics and Accounting and I was like OOOKAY, business isn’t something I can really pursue and love. So now I’m waiting for another whim.

My interests change too much for a degree.

But unfortunately, I feel like a woman has to have a degree to make even close to a man.

I have a two year degree and 3 years at my job and I still make $2 less than my fiancé who has no college education.

College is somewhat of a scam. I don’t buy into that big of a monetary investment without having a secure plan and enjoy what I’m doing.

I’m hoping I’ll stumble upon something someday and know that it’s what I’m supposed to do. I just haven’t found what that is yet.

I’ve got time.

I wouldn’t say I set my level of success to having a degree though. It’s something I’d like to do, but I can also see myself having a good enough resume to advance in life without needing a degree. That just takes time, but military background and three years in an advanced pricing role at a food distribution company looks good.



Fill your lungs with air to capacity

And exhale

Close your eyes and force the negative energy out

Smile as you feel the weight get loaded off

You’re free

Free of the streas

Relax your jaw and release the furrow in your brow

Those worry lines are starting to become permanent

Life is happening fast

And the lines on your body tell that story

Take one moment to slow down

Release the tension

Tax season

It’s among us.

I’m frantically gathering all of these forms from all of these different websites and I think I may just lose my mind over it all.

But I’m really trying to get my sh*t together with my finances as a whole. I just this week decided to download all of the apps I should have had this entire time. They include Car Insurance app, Wells Fargo investments app, Credit Karma for credit scores, TurboTax, an app to track my medical visits at the hospital, CashApp, and PayPal.

Being an adult is hard.

I also just learned how my Health Savings Account works.

Insurance is not my strong suit. But hey! They don’t teach you this sh*t in high school!

Taxes get significantly harder when you have a dependent, student loans, medical bills, health insurance, and retirement plans.

I’ll be okay. I’m a fast learner and this is going to be my 5th year filing my taxes myself 🤞🏼

Morning People

I love mornings. I love hearing the birds wake up and I love the color of light that comes through the windows. It’s soft and comforting.

But I often have a hard time getting out of bed.

For as much as I love the morning time, I sure don’t get up early enough to enjoy it.

2021 Goal: Get up earlier.

How do people do it? Some rise at even 3 and 4am! I did that for a year while in training and it was never something that didn’t bother me. I always would have chosen to sleep in.

Morning people freak me out a bit.

But not even in a bad way.

Like someday I hope to be the morning freak that runs three miles before coffee at 6am, but it’s going to take a lot of effort and dedication to get there. That’s for another time…..

The other day I woke up at 445 and couldn’t fall asleep so I got out of bed around 530 after continuously trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully. I made some coffee and then went to the couch to drink it while watching TV.

It was actually pretty enjoyable. Alone mom time is not something I get often (or ever!). I think that is definitely something I want to start doing more.

We shall see.

I’m a tired soul

Some things aren’t meant to be…

It’s the hardest lesson to learn because it’s always something that you have to learn the hard way.

Maybe it’s just timing.

But maybe it’s just not supposed to happen at all?

You don’t get to know right away.

And in some cases, it may take you your entire life to even realize it…

The brutality of accepting that you can’t have what you want is painful.

It hurts.

But someday…

You’ll accept that your life is happening just as it is supposed to.

There are ups.

And there are downs.

Some things are meant to be.

And some aren’t.

But either way, you can get through it.

“Say Something” by A Great Big World

“Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

And anywhere, I would have followed you
Ooh, ooh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something”

Source: MusixmatchSongwriters: Campbell Mike / Axel Ian / Campbelle MikeSay Something lyrics © Reservoir 416, Ian Axel Music, Chad Vaccarino Publishing, Manhattan Astronaut Music, Songs Of Universal Inc.

A Rock

The wheels turn but I’m not moving

The landscapes are changing around me

But everything is the same

There is pink in the sky this morning

And it looks beautiful, like pink was meant to be in the sky all the time

It’s weird

How the uniqueness in life

Also entertains the feeling of belonging

But not everything is meant to change

Some stones lay perfectly still on the earth

Without ever moving position

I feel like one of those rocks

I’m begging to be skipped on top of the water

But no one picks me up

So here I lie,

Like a rock

Waiting for someone to give me life