Can love?

Can love fill the void created from being abandoned?

Can it wipe away the tears and fill in scars on the heart?

Can it erase the past?

Can it make everything that’s wrong feel right?

Can love make you crazy?

Can it make you feel sane?

Can it ever be for sure?

Can it ever be perfect?

Can love be forever?

Can it ever end?

Can it be your biggest comfort while also being your biggest heartbreak?

Can love bring relief?

Can it fill your soul like music?

Can it anger?

Can it bring peace?

Can it hurt you more than it cures you?

Can love be evil?

Can it crumble you and then put you back together?

Can it be manipulative?

Narcissistic?

Obsessive?

Intrusive?

Degrading?

Can love?

House Hunting Hiccup

I mentioned the other day that we were house hunting, welllll…

We finally found a house that we feel like could be the one!! It has 3.5 acres of land and it’s in the country. I just imagine our kids running alongside of a dog in the backyard – Something we can’t do now since we rent. You won’t believe how many landlords do not allow pets. It’s always broken my heart that we can’t get Della a puppy, because she is an animal lover like no other!!

Turns out… Our lender doesn’t think the house meets the loan qualifications, even though our realtors and brokers said it does.

So we are at a standstill.

We went back out to see the place for a second time and were prepared to put in an offer, but now we’re waiting to hear back from our realtor as to if we can even get this house.

It hurts because we had our hopes so high – even if I was telling myself not to get excited.

Only time will tell. And if this house doesn’t work out, it just wasn’t meant to be.

And that’s what I keep telling myself to keep my emotions in check.

If it’s meant to be, it will happen.

EOD Thoughts: 01.16.2021

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on WordPress. Not because I really needed a break, but because I’ve just been so busy and tired to sit on my phone and really put some thought into writing. I’d like to get back into more of a routine, but life is crazy and you never really know what your attention is going to be focused on.

On a positive note, I did end up deleting some social media apps – so that usually results in less of my time being wasted scrolling mindlessly through feeds full of politics and division. I was so tired of getting on Twitter and reading through tweet after tweet about the coronavirus and politics. It’s exhausting seeing everyone arguing and pushing conspiracies about every little thing.

Then I’d get on Instagram and scroll through pictures of models with “perfect” skin, hair, bodies, lives… I’d fall obsessed with everything I wasn’t. I’m bad at comparing myself to social media influencers. It makes my confidence plummet even if I do tell myself that social media stars get paid to portray a perfect life for their followers. Social media is truly detrimental to society.

A few months ago I watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix. It really goes into depth about how the creators of social media design their apps to hook you and bring you back. I highly recommend watching it – it’ll give you a better understanding of how they gather your information and use it to modify the app to better interest you. Social media apps literally keep track of how long you look at certain ads so that they can use more ads related to the ones they know you didn’t just scroll past. This documentary will make you question your internet usage and possibly even encourage you to delete your social media apps.

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Tonight’s Reflection Quotes (From The Social Dilemma):

House Hunting

Dylan and I got pre-approved on a house loan and we’ve started our house hunt.

There are a few reasons we started this process.

1. We are SICK OF PAYING RENT!!

Paying rent is literally paying the mortgage of someone else’s house PLUS lining their pockets with a few extra dollars every month. You don’t see any of that money going towards anything that benefits you besides being able to live in someone else’s home. We have a really nice home and I’m proud of where we live, but at the end of the day, that money is just GONE.

My uncle recently bought a house after renting the same house for nearly 12 years. We did the math and he paid about $70,000 in RENT and what does he have to show for it? He paid off an entire house FOR SOMEONE ELSE!

2. We wanna do whateeeverrr we want to our house

Perhaps the worst thing about renting is having little flexibility when it comes to making the house your own.

Of course you can decorate and fill it with your belongings, but you don’t get to choose the paint on the walls or put up fencing and things like that. I’ve never remodeled a home, but every house we’ve lived in, I’ve always tried to envision what it would look like if I could truly do whatever I wanted to it.

3. We want land!

The majority of our house searches have been for homes that have at least a little bit of acreage to them. We love the country feel and want to raise our kids on a property where we can raise chickens and have a big garden.

You won’t believe how hard something like that is to come by 👎🏻

So far we’ve looked at five different houses with no luck. We thought that maybe the last one we looked at was a contender, but after making a second visit out there today, we ruled it out. The house had pretty much everything we were looking for. A nice garage, more than three bedrooms, a basement, and a huge country backyard. The thing is… the entire neighborhood that it was in was TRASH. Literally! The two blocks surrounding the place were piled high and even collapsing with garbage! One house had old washing machines and probably 20-30 bags of trash just hanging out in the front yard. We honestly probably would have made an offer on it if everywhere you looked wasn’t complete garbage. It was frustrating to find a house that had almost everything we were looking for just to be located in a dump.

So the search continues…

2020: A Year in Review

It’s easy to disregard 2020 and classify it as the WORST YEAR EVER, but it’s more challenging to look back and appreciate the good things that happened. We battled a global pandemic and watched as the world changed as we knew it.

But some good things happened, too.

Here are a few great memories of mine that happened in 2020:

January

Our daughter turned one.

April

We enjoyed the spring flowers and went on hikes

May

I was spoiled by my fiancé for Mother’s Day and I bought a new car (my first real big girl purchase!)

June

I returned home from my military activation to support a COVID testing site

July

We celebrated a friend and took a party bus to the city

August

My fiancé and I took a trip to Grafton just for fun – a weekend away is always needed!

September

Dylan bought a new truck! We both upgraded our vehicles this year — something we worked really hard for and are super proud of!

October

I turned 24!

December

Christmas… duh!

Sincerely, A Sad American

2020 could be a textbook of its own. Everyday is an accumulation of more historical events, and it makes me sick watching the evening news.

The leader of our country incites violence and division. He defends white supremacy and encourages neo-facism. People of color are being gunned down in the streets by those sworn in to protect and serve.

A global pandemic has been going on for nearly a year now and we’ve got two sides of a broken system too stuck to their parties that they can’t put it aside and pass a suitable bill to offer some relief to its citizens. People are losing their homes and unable to feed their kids. They’re passing a $146 billion stimulus bill after offering no help for NINE MONTHS. What is $600 going to really do for someone that is months behind on rent?

I scroll my Facebook feed in disgust at the volume of people in support of a man that is misogynistic, disrespectful, fake, and bigoted. He holds a Bible up in front of a church for a photo-op and people believe that he is a religious man. In what ways does racism, narcissism, and dishonesty represent holiness?

Our country is divided and I don’t think we are near the end.

What happened?

Our politicians don’t work for us. They have their own agendas to fulfill. And believe you me, they don’t give a damn what it does to you and your family.

One Nation under tyranny.

Two Years

My daughter turned TWO on January 5th. It’s seems hardly imaginable that that much time has passed since we met her.

She’s smart

Strong

Sassy

She’s the funniest kid I know.

She wants what she wants when she wants it.

She’s beautiful, but her beauty is more than just her long lashes and captive smile.

She is gentle and when her arms are wrapped around my neck, I feel like there is nothing wrong in the world. She cries when she sees me cry and murmurs, “Mama” when she first wakes up.

She has changed our lives in the best way possible and I’m thankful for her every day.

She makes me patient and kind and responsible and joyous.

Happy 2nd birthday, sweet girl!

EOD Thoughts: 01.06.2021

I live in a really small town, like the population is under 50. I pay $110 for crappy wifi currently because there was no other option, but a new company with fiber optics has come to town to install better wifi. I got a flyer on my porch and instantly hopped ON IT

I emailed the guy whose name was on the flyer and he replied saying he would make a trip out to our town to get me signed up and ready to go once the installation in town was finished.

Usually I’m nervous in these situations because I feel like I’m totally socially awkward, but this guy (his name was Brad) was SO NICE – like above and beyond nice.

Dylan and I once went to a concert and when we got back to the hotel room afterwards, we decided to order pizza (doesn’t everyone?). I was online and the pizza place was offering a deal IF you ordered online. Of course with my luck, the online ordering wasn’t working so I called the store to see if they’d still honor the online price (I still very much wanted the pizza). They did honor the price and the guy I spoke to on the phone was really polite. I asked his name and went on their website again to tell their corporate office that they had a very respectful employee.

I think it’s SO important to acknowledge and show appreciation for people who excel in customer service. It’s just one of those jobs that isn’t always easy. I have a lot of respect for anyone who has to deal with other humans all day long 🤨

That’s the same reason I always try to make eye contact and smile at whoever is working the fast food drive up window.

We all know how exhausting work is and how we often feel like we don’t get any appreciation. It’s nice to be complimented and I think it means even more when a STRANGER goes out of their way to recognize your efforts.

So Brad… if you’re reading this, I sent your corporate office a message about how amazing your customer service was. I hope they relay the message back to you and it makes you smile 😊

…………………..

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

My Top Songs of 2020

Spotify creates a playlist at the end of each year telling you what songs you played the most throughout the year. I thought it would be fun to share my favorite songs from my Spotify Wrapped.

Here are some of my top songs from 2020, in no particular order:

‘On Call’ by Kings of Leon

I love Kings of Leon, but I like their less-mainstream songs the most.

‘Telescope’ by Cage the Elephant

Cage the Elephant is truly my FAVORITE band ever, and when I don’t know what I’m in the mood for, I always start with this song. It’s a real gentle song – I love listening to it in the car. Songs always sound better in vehicles anyway, right?

Mary Jane’s Last Dance’ by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Any Tom Petty fans out there? I think I stumbled across it listening to the radio and immediately saved it to my playlist. Now I queue it up every time I take a shower. If you love rock, this is a good old fashioned banger. Can’t go wrong with some Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.

‘Sedona’ by Houndmouth

Houndmouth is a great band, but not necessarily very well-known. They are kind of like a mix between folk music and rock n roll. They are actually really good to listen to on a road trip. I got to see them live in April of 2018. It was a small venue so we were in the front row and it was a good a** show! They had really great stage presence and are very good vocally with harmonies. I highly recommend listening to them!

‘Don’t Forget Me’ by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are another band that I always turn on when I don’t know what I want. This is one of the RHCP “less funky” songs, but I’m a sucker for a strong, slow bass lick and some deep lyrics.

‘Down in a Hole’ by Alice in Chains

I’ve also had the pleasure to see Alice In Chains live, too. Obviously, not with the original Layne Staley (one of my favorite vocalists), but they were still SO good. I love Alice In Chains and this song has such great vocal harmonies.

‘Weight of Love’ by The Black Keys

My fiancé really got into The Black Keys and showed me this song. I have to say… this song has THE BEST GUITAR SOLO I’ve ever heard. Maybe not technically, but the melody and flow of it just blows me away. This song is so beautifully put together. 10/10

I have some other songs on my playlist, but I thought these were a good start. What songs have you enjoyed in 2020? I’m always looking to expand my playlist variety 😌