I don’t have the time

I want to feel angry.

I want to.

But I don’t have the time,

I don’t have the mental capacity,

I don’t have the sanity,

I don’t have the self-control to

bring myself back in

once I start down that path.

It’s not something I can prioritize

anymore.

It no longer consumes me.

I push it to the back burner

because I have to.

I know I could feel better

if I let those emotions come

over me,

if I’d just let them go.

But I’ve got people

depending on me now,

that I didn’t have before.

Because my daughter is

watching me with a careful eye

and I don’t want the only

vision of a strong woman she sees

to be the one she sees on a screen.

Before, I could let

the emotions consume me.

I could fall apart and

nobody would know.

Before, I could hold the anger

until I was ready to release it.

I could reel myself in.

I could take my time sorting out

my feelings and

making sense of emotions.

But now?

It’s all different now.

I don’t have the time.

My new green thumb

We’re getting excited!

Last year we planted a few tomato plants, a strawberry plant, and some onions. The strawberries and onions either drowned away or dried out. We had to plant everything in pots since we rent instead of owning our home. We were able to get a few smaller tomatoes, but the effort overall was a bust. We bought all of the plants from a nursery already germinated and ready to plant.

This year, we started tomatoes and jalapeños from seeds. We went back to the nursery and bought strawberries and onions again. And we also purchased a mint plant spontaneously on one of our WalMart runs. Well, I’m proud to announce that we’ve managed to keep all of them alive so far! This year we planted them in pots again since we weren’t sure when we’d be moving.

We’ve got three large tomato plants, two of them flowering beautifully. The other needs to catch up a bit in size.

We’ve also got some onions planted, but I’m not confident that we’ll get any produce from them. They are green on the stems in places still, but they’re starting to look wilted. I’m thinking they must grow better in the ground- something we’ll actually get to do with our garden once we OWN our home!

The jalapeño plants really sprouted out after the last rain. The plant is looking really full and strong. It’s even starting to flaunt some small white flowers that will soon be juicy green jalapeños. We grew these and the tomatoes from seeds this spring, so we’re so excited to seem them flourishing and producing!

The sweet mint plant is probably my favorite of the lot. It already smells so good and it just grows up and out like a genie. I don’t know why, but I just enjoy watching the growth of this beauty week by week.

So I’m hoping we are going to be more successful this year than we were last year! And then next year we can plant so much more variety, and actually in the ground, so this gardening thing is gonna be a summer hobby here before too long! It may not be too exciting to some, but we have found something new to entertain us, so we will take that where we can!

21 weeks

21 weeks. We are more than halfway to meeting our new family member!

Let me tell ya… This mom is READY.

I’m still throwing up in the mornings occasionally. I actually started my day puking this morning. Not to mention, my ankles are swelling every time I stand for too long. I haven’t had as many bad headaches as I was a few weeks ago, but I’m just waiting on their return. With as miserable as I’ve been, it’s hard for me to grasp that I still have 18 more weeks to go… And I only get bigger from here on out!

But now we know the gender and the exciting stuff starts… SHOPPING! DECORATING!

Well, that is, if the deal on our new house ever closes. We’ve been waiting since the end of April. We originally set our contract to close the first week of June, but the sellers have been dragging their feet and we had to extend to July 1. We are now less than a week away, and still haven’t heard a whole lot from our realtor on the progress of closing and being able to move. This is frustrating, because we have a lot to do within the next four months before the baby comes, and July is a busy month for us. Buuut, we will find a way to get it figured out and hopefully we’ll be moving here within a short time!

I’ve been feeling the lil bean move around a whole lot lately, which seems exciting! When I was pregnant with Della, I really had a disconnect between the baby I was carrying and the fact that it was my child. I still feel that with this pregnancy, but it’s a bit easier for me to understand that a human I will adore will come of it. I think some women have different reactions to pregnancy, and a lot of my reactions are ughhhh. I’m thankful for the experience, but I feel more connected and loving of the child after its born, rather than while it’s in my belly. I don’t think that’s abnormal – I think a lot of women also feel that way. I still do my best to eat (somewhat) healthy (considering cravings and what my appetite will tolerate), exercise, drink a lot of water, and get good rest. I feel like I have been eating a TON lately, which is good because the whole first trimester I did nothing but lose weight. My big thing this time around is CEREAL. I eat probably three bowls a day (LOL). Last time it was french fries and potatoes – I still will always say yes to a potato in any form, but I eat so much cereal this time that I could put General Mills out of business!

Dylan is, as always, such a big help and I’m truly very thankful that he is the partner I’ve gotten to experience parenthood with. He wouldn’t let me go to the store for a case of water the other day because it was “too heavy.” Doc says my weight limit is twenty pounds. I was like, ‘Dylan, there is no way a case of water is more than twenty pounds! I can get a case of water on my own!’ We googled it and sure enough, a case of water is 26.4 pounds. So he was right – to my dismay. He’s a real stickler, but I am so very thankful – even if I roll my eyes at him when he chastises me!

Lazy Sunday Looks & Father’s Day

Wild hair is my signature

A natural look for a lazy day. No makeup, no hairstyle.

It’s been a cloudy, rainy day so we haven’t done much but sit in the garage and watch it pass. It looks to be clearing up now- the rest of the day should be beautiful ☀️

A special shout-out to the Dad who makes parenthood fun:

Happy Father’s Day to my partner in crime – We love you so much, Dylan!

To all you Dads out there today:

Here’s to you! Wishing you a day of cheer! 👏🏼

Saturday’s like yesterday

I wish they were all like that…

We cleaned out some garage trash, went yard-saling, and then spent the entire day in the backyard and in the pool.

We only have a small, inflatable pool, but we have a ball. We plan to play all day again today, too. Temps are above 90°, so the water feels so good, ahh. It’s been a great weekend.

Cheers to lazy and hot summer weekends!