13 American Servicemembers were killed last Thursday.
13 families’ lives changed forever.
I can’t really bring myself to come up with the right words to say because I am just so heartbroken. I can’t relate to going overseas, but I do remember what it was like to join the military.
The excitement for new opportunities and experiences.
The pride of serving a country that so many people love.
The smooth arrogance of feeling like people look up to you.
Every person that takes that oath, myself included, expects to come home in a casket with a flag draped over it.
I met some damn good people while in the military. I’m proud of the time I spent and the things I did. I could never imagine my story ending like this.
Neither did they.
And to have a president that didn’t protect them.
I’m angry. I am terribly sad. I am disappointed.
Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone will be held accountable for these 13 lives that should’ve never been lost.
I’ve looked through their pictures and read their families words about them. I feel as if it’s going to haunt me for quite some time. America just feels more and more hopeless these days.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the passing of our family member, “New Kitty.”
I’m writing today to introduce you to the two newest kitties we’ve welcomed to our family.
Meet Cornell,
and Minnie (Mouse)
Minnie is a bit younger than Cornell, as you can probably tell. She’s also a bit more reserved and relaxed; whereas Cornell is the one who runs through the house and plays with you and has a very funny personality. We’ve really fallen in love with both of them. Minnie Mouse is kind of Della’s buddy, and I absolutely adore Cornell.
They like to sleep in the bottom of my indoor fake potted tree… TogetherShe’s our quiet lil lady He’s our funny goonCornell is also a bit easier to photograph
66 days until I anticipate we will be bringing another human into this world.
Just 66 short days.
And I haven’t even started the nursery or bought much of anything.
I feel so alone in this pregnancy. Like I have to pretend to be something I’m not. Of course this is an “exciting time” and no doubt I’ll love the lil guy… But I have been so damn miserable it’s hard to even force a smile. I’m supposed to sit up straight and put on my big girl pants and fake smile and act like I’m a proud, glowing woman flourishing in pregnancy.
But I’m not.
I am in the third and final trimester of this pregnancy and I am still throwing up almost every single morning. Last week I was puking so hard that I popped a blood vessel in my eye. I could feel the veins in my face bulge as I hugged the toilet.
I fell in the rain a few months ago and definitely did something to my hip/back. I’m sure I just need to go to the chiropractor, but I’ve always been nervous about chiropractors (especially while eight months pregnant). Doc prescribed some muscle relaxers that don’t do much but make me sleepy, so sometimes I’m limping through the house barely able to move. Putting on clothes is a pain that I don’t even want to talk about. The amount of pain that I’m constantly in is taking every bit of happiness I have anymore. It just sucks it all out.
I’m looking at my ankles now and I can’t even tell where the ankle ends and foot beings. Swelling is taking over all of me.
So yeah.
It’s hard for me to pretend that I’m so pleased to be doing this amazing thing (don’t get me wrong, pregnancy is beautiful and life is an fascinating cycle), but I am so sick and so tired and in so much pain that I don’t have any fight left in me. I don’t have the energy to put on a fake smile. If you ask me how I’m doing, don’t get disappointed when I don’t glow and tell you all of these amaaaazing things – because it’s just not going to happen. I’m going to look at you point blank and tell you that I am not doing well and I feel like sh*t.
Period.
I am alone in feeling this way. I am trapped in this body of pain and un-comfortability. I am alone in my head trying to talk myself into pulling my leg into my pants saying, ‘it doesn’t hurt that bad.‘ But it does.
Everyone out there sees a pregnant woman and assumes the best and absolute happiness. But on the inside, I feel like a failure because I can’t resonate with that mom. I’m not the mom that loves pregnancy. It feels sad admitting that to people. I feel like the odd (wo)man out.
I love my children, but pregnancy is for the birds.
My birthday is in mid October, so naturally I love the fall season.
It’s my favorite time of the year to decorate the house, it comes with the best and most mild weather, and who doesn’t love fall football game or a weenie roast?
So yeah, I’m totally that person that wishes the end of the summer away. I’m definitely ready for the pumpkin spice and fall decor…
So I decided that today I would start my welcoming of fall by dying my hair back to the nice auburn color that I will wear the most. I think the red tint in my hair really brings out my freckles and it gives me the most confidence.
I’m letting loose today and wearing my sweatpant overalls. They’re made out of stretchy material and they’re soo comfortable. I’m working from home today, so comfort is a necessity.
(And they even have pockets!!)
Know what else is a necessity when working from home?
We are mourning the loss of our loved kitty friend today.
Before we moved into our new home, we made an unexpected friend on one of our evening family walks. This friendly gray and white kitten came right up to Della and begged her for love. Their friendship blossomed instantly and he followed us home. He was part of the family from day one. Della and “New Kitty” ran up and down the sidewalk, he’d get in her little play tent and just lay there while she contently played.
We brought New Kitty (This is the name our daughter gave him) with us on the move to the new house and he transitioned quite nicely. Last week Della had him in her room covered up with a doll blanket as he napped peacefully. He would let her pick him up and tote him around. He was VERY tolerable of a two year old girls’ love, if ya know what I mean.
We have noticed two big dogs running loose through town a few times in our neighborhood. Of course, we are still learning the community routines and neighbors. Part of being in a new town. We always left kitty out overnight and he slept safely in the garage. We’d leave the garage door open just enough for him to barely make it under. We knew there would be no way for these dogs to get under the door, so we figured kitty would have a safe place if needed.
I guess these dogs just caught him at the wrong place.
Dylan and I actually got a night out together without Della for the first time in a long while. We went to local fair and enjoyed some fair food and a tractor pull.
As we were pulling up to our house at about 10pm, we saw these two dogs playing tug of war with an animal. We soon realized it was our baby. It was absolutely traumatizing and I am so heartbroken. I’m thankful we didn’t have Della with us in the car. I put the car in park in the middle of the road and ran out to the poor kitty. The dogs ran off. Initially, I thought he was going to be okay and that maybe the dogs had just barely gotten ahold of him. Everything happened so fast, I’m still not even sure what I saw.
So I was checking him out and he didn’t have any puncture wounds or obvious external injuries and he was looking at me. I thought I could take him in for a bath and assess the situation a little better, but he started to seize and then he was gone. I am happy to say that I was holding him and talking to him and comforting him in his last moments.
But I can’t forget the way his eyes changed as the life came out him. Although it was just a cat, it’s a very humbling experience. Life comes and goes so quickly.
Cherish those you love while you have the chance to. We are heartbroken our daughter has lost her pal.
RIP, New Kitty
I took this seven hours before his death. We will miss the happiness he brought our family Playing in the tent
How true. Many of these are buried deep inside of me. Many things I grieve for in this life. I think our world should be reminded of this message, as our entire world is so far from how it used to be. It’s okay to feel uneasy in your core. And it’s okay to name that feel as grief, it describes so much more than the loss of someone. Own your feelings and work through them at your own pace.
Between the Lens 