Happy Holidays!

Goodbye, sorrow

Goodbye, sorrow,

I lie to myself.

Why do I feel the need to not feel what I feel?

I’m allowed to be angry

And I’m allowed to feel that anger as long as I need to.

There is no time limit on healing.

It comes in waves.

I’ll feel overwhelmingly fine,

And I’ll be unresentful.

But then sometimes I feel so full of anger

And wonder.

How did this happen? Why did it have to be this way?

Sometimes I feel guilty for having an understanding of the word hate.

And then I’ll be okay again, feeling guilty for living like it doesn’t matter.

But it does.

I’ll just whisper to myself,

Goodbye, sorrow

My daughter is a gift

Looking so grown :,)

Another semester in the books

This summer I got the urge to continue pursuing my Bachelors. I’m so very close (2 semesters away) to accomplishing this goal; although much of my relationship with college has been where I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I’ve taken plenty of time away from my schooling simply because I haven’t been certain on what I wanted to do. I wrapped up my prerequisite courses no problem, but since then I hadn’t been sure what I wanted to pursue until this semester.

I got online and looked at all of the online programs that were offered, because I’d done a semester of the Business Management program and found that it most definitely wasn’t exactly what I wanted. That was the Fall of 2019.

I decided to switch over to Public Administration, and now that the semester is over I can say that this certainly is more aligned with who I imagine myself to be in my career. Now exactly what I want to do in Public Administration is still undetermined, but I feel aligned – so that’s something at least. The program is so broad that I’m confident something will come to me once I finish my schooling.

But what makes me most proud about this semester is that I took on this goal knowing the obstacles I’d face. I knew I’d be giving birth to my second child, and yet I did not let that stop me.

I’m also proud of how self aware I was. The last semester I took at UIS was a complete failure. Mind you, I’ve always been a really good student and enjoyed school. So when I had to take a failing grade in a class during my last semester at UIS, I was a bit intimidated on if I could do it. If I couldn’t handle the workload back then, what made me think I could do it while also welcoming a new child? BUT the last semester I took I had a full course load with four classes on top of working full time and being a mother. This time, I knew I’d be setting myself up for failure if I took a full time college schedule on top of working full time, being pregnant, and a toddler at home. There were many days once we returned home from the hospital that I didn’t think I could do it. I was late on a few assignments, but I put the work in. I studied and read tons of material, wrote two term papers and achieved A’s in BOTH courses. I was aware that two classes was achievable, and I accomplished my goal – many times with a newborn baby sleeping on the couch next to me.

A testament to the dedication I have and how much I value being committed to your goals and dreams. It wasn’t much, but I’m super proud and excited for the progress!

The Thorned Rose

It’s easier to let go

of an expectation

Than it is to

Hold someone accountable

for letting you down

The world will crumble

And won’t think twice

about taking you with it

Much like a thorn

Who softens it’s prick

for not one soul

You’ll work around it

Ignore the pain

And keep growing

But that failed expectation

Will devastate even

the strongest of forces

Quick update

First things first, we are all well. I’m so very thankful for that.

I started back to work this week, so life is a bit more hectic on work days. My company has a “gradual return” policy, so I’m actually only working 2 days this week, 3 days next week, and then 3 days the week of Christmas. After that, it’s back to normal- as far as work goes… Very lucky to have this available to me because returning to work six weeks after having a child is low-key MOM ABUSE.

Squishy 💋

I’d say we are all adapting well to being a family of four. Della is obsessed with baby brother and Dylan is such a good dad.

All 4 of us at a winter festival – Peep lil Leon in the front 🥰

But with all that is good, it’s also so very stressful. As much as I love this life I’m so blessed with, I also struggle with an immense yearning for a life outside of motherhood. I wish I had more family that offered to help or just take the kids for a day. I will admit I’m very jealous of other moms that have support from their family. Not to say we don’t at times, but not nearly what I’d always expected or hoped for before I had kids…

Christmas is around the corner, so that’s always something to look forward to. This time of the year truly is the best and being a mom and bringing the light and joy of Christmas to my family is so very special to me. I’m planning to have a family Christmas photo shoot here soon- I will post when I get around to doing that 🤪

Until next time, stay safe & happy holidays!!