I lie to myself.
Why do I feel the need to not feel what I feel?
I’m allowed to be angry
And I’m allowed to feel that anger as long as I need to.
There is no time limit on healing.
It comes in waves.
I’ll feel overwhelmingly fine,
And I’ll be unresentful.
But then sometimes I feel so full of anger
How did this happen? Why did it have to be this way?
Sometimes I feel guilty for having an understanding of the word hate.
And then I’ll be okay again, feeling guilty for living like it doesn’t matter.
But it does.
I’ll just whisper to myself,
This summer I got the urge to continue pursuing my Bachelors. I’m so very close (2 semesters away) to accomplishing this goal; although much of my relationship with college has been where I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I’ve taken plenty of time away from my schooling simply because I haven’t been certain on what I wanted to do. I wrapped up my prerequisite courses no problem, but since then I hadn’t been sure what I wanted to pursue until this semester.
I got online and looked at all of the online programs that were offered, because I’d done a semester of the Business Management program and found that it most definitely wasn’t exactly what I wanted. That was the Fall of 2019.
I decided to switch over to Public Administration, and now that the semester is over I can say that this certainly is more aligned with who I imagine myself to be in my career. Now exactly what I want to do in Public Administration is still undetermined, but I feel aligned – so that’s something at least. The program is so broad that I’m confident something will come to me once I finish my schooling.
But what makes me most proud about this semester is that I took on this goal knowing the obstacles I’d face. I knew I’d be giving birth to my second child, and yet I did not let that stop me.
I’m also proud of how self aware I was. The last semester I took at UIS was a complete failure. Mind you, I’ve always been a really good student and enjoyed school. So when I had to take a failing grade in a class during my last semester at UIS, I was a bit intimidated on if I could do it. If I couldn’t handle the workload back then, what made me think I could do it while also welcoming a new child? BUT the last semester I took I had a full course load with four classes on top of working full time and being a mother. This time, I knew I’d be setting myself up for failure if I took a full time college schedule on top of working full time, being pregnant, and a toddler at home. There were many days once we returned home from the hospital that I didn’t think I could do it. I was late on a few assignments, but I put the work in. I studied and read tons of material, wrote two term papers and achieved A’s in BOTH courses. I was aware that two classes was achievable, and I accomplished my goal – many times with a newborn baby sleeping on the couch next to me.
A testament to the dedication I have and how much I value being committed to your goals and dreams. It wasn’t much, but I’m super proud and excited for the progress!
It’s easier to let go
of an expectation
Than it is to
Hold someone accountable
for letting you down
The world will crumble
And won’t think twice
about taking you with it
Much like a thorn
Who softens it’s prick
for not one soul
You’ll work around it
Ignore the pain
And keep growing
But that failed expectation
Will devastate even
the strongest of forces
First things first, we are all well. I’m so very thankful for that.
I started back to work this week, so life is a bit more hectic on work days. My company has a “gradual return” policy, so I’m actually only working 2 days this week, 3 days next week, and then 3 days the week of Christmas. After that, it’s back to normal- as far as work goes… Very lucky to have this available to me because returning to work six weeks after having a child is low-key MOM ABUSE.
I’d say we are all adapting well to being a family of four. Della is obsessed with baby brother and Dylan is such a good dad.
But with all that is good, it’s also so very stressful. As much as I love this life I’m so blessed with, I also struggle with an immense yearning for a life outside of motherhood. I wish I had more family that offered to help or just take the kids for a day. I will admit I’m very jealous of other moms that have support from their family. Not to say we don’t at times, but not nearly what I’d always expected or hoped for before I had kids…
Christmas is around the corner, so that’s always something to look forward to. This time of the year truly is the best and being a mom and bringing the light and joy of Christmas to my family is so very special to me. I’m planning to have a family Christmas photo shoot here soon- I will post when I get around to doing that 🤪
Until next time, stay safe & happy holidays!!