EOD Thoughts: 06.19.2022

Perhaps today isn’t the day to write what I feel

Maybe I should give a shout-out to the men in my life that are wonderful fathers

Or acknowledge the importance of the celebration of Juneteenth

But instead

Tonight I feel sad and that’s all I want to put on this page

Tomorrow will bring a new day

But I know that a new day will not result in a “parent” choosing to accept you

Or congratulate you, or hell- even wish you the best

Tonight I’m sad because I believe she very actively, possibly subconsciously (but doubtful), hopes that I fail

All while publicly loving and admiring a few of her other (favorite) children all over Facebook

Maybe it shouldn’t bother me

I guess it hurts knowing I’ll continue this world without a mother figure

She was supposed to be “the replacement”

She was supposed to fix me

But instead, she’s another woman that continues to break my heart and fails to love me the way a mother should

Or, I suppose, the way I believe a mother should love their daughter

I just imagine the future with my daughter…

And I know it involves tons of phone calls, adult cuddles and day dates, and one day… the involvement with her children should she ever have her own…

I don’t know what a relationship with a woman is regarding these important memories a mother and daughter should share

But then again… how would I know what mothers and daughters should do???

Tonight I’m sad, that’s all

EOD Thoughts: 01.19.2022

I’ve had to take 6 of the last 8 work days off because of lack of daycare 😩

Needless to say, this much time with my littles has me losing my head…

I love them so (mainly my 3 year old has me losing my temper), but sometimes I just want to escape motherhood. I could really use a break. But babysitter and her family has covid and my backup sitter has covid, so I had no choice but to burn all my sick time and some PTO time up. It sucks, but I guess that’s reality when your workplace offers to relief to parents regarding the society we live in.

I’m so sick of covid. I’m so sick of feeling so alone in parenthood. I’m just so tired of feeling stuck.

This too, shall pass. But ughhhh, I’m hoping sooner rather than later !

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: 09.26.2021

Another weekend has come and gone.

Saturday we celebrated some friends at their wedding

(It was nice to get out without Della – we haven’t had a date night in quite a while)

And Sunday we did some household chores and finished the night with a short hike and some time at the playground

We even snuck up on six deer grazing on the other side of the water!

I’m thankful for my family and friends always

And I’m thankful I’ve only got four weeks of pregnancy left!

EOD Thoughts: 09.14.2021

New phone finally!

You don’t realize how hard your life is without a smart phone until you gotta try to get by without one.

How scary it is to even get on the road knowing you don’t have a way to make an emergency call if needed.

Couldn’t access all of my work websites because I wasn’t able to two-factor authenticate my apps via text messaging codes.

I’m hopelessly phone-reliant

Even though I don’t wanna be

EOD Thoughts: 08.23.2021

Looks like I’m going to have to take a day off tomorrow.

Babysitter canceled for tomorrow at 9pm tonight. What can I do at 9pm?

Asked my back up, She couldn’t either. Was surprised she was still awake.

This is a prime example of how much it suckshaving no family to call.

I’m gonna have to burn PTO because I don’t have daycare. And I have no one to call.

EOD Thoughts: 08.11.2021

Thank goodness this day is over.

Last night I could hardly walk because my hips and back hurt so bad.

That carried into today.

Called my doc at 8am, but the Nurses couldn’t do anything until he got out of surgery at 10:30.

I’m falling into a depression as a result of the pain that I’m constantly in. My back and my hips ache all the time.

Prescribed a muscle relaxer.

Tried it. Gave a little relief, but brought on the drowsiness.

Fought pain and sleepiness all day.

I’m exhausted and tired of being pregnant.

10 weeks and 5 days to go……

EOD Thoughts: 07.31.2021

This has been the longest and most boring July of my life. Of course our luck would result in us moving during the hottest week of the entire summer.

I’m so tired I swear I could sleep for a week straight.

I’ve lost the drive to even be on my phone. As in- I will not respond to mostly everything for days. Situations vary, but I’ve just been feeling so antisocial. I feel like I get like this in spurts, and often times randomly. Maintaining good mental health is hard and sometimes life is so overwhelming I feel like I just need to stick in my own little bubble sometimes.

So I’ve been deep in my head and in thought.

My body hurts. Everywhere. Specifically my back and hips, and my FEET. Swollen ankles galore. And I swear I’ve been a sweaty working mess for a week straight.

But we’re finally moved. We still have tons to do, but none of it requires me to be in 90° heat – YAY!

We’ve put some pieces of the home together, and I’m already in love with what we have done.

Someday I’ll enjoy this home while I’m not so exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Still feels like home, though 💓

EOD Thoughts: 07.06.2021

I reflect a lot. I write about my reflection and devotion to that on here often.

But one thing I’ve noticed about the last year:

It’s changed my methodology around reflection.

I used to rely a lot on the feedback I received from others. I naturally surround myself with honest people that will tell me when I’m not acting myself or when I’m wrong. I like that. I try to take that advice seriously.

That was a life we knew before the pandemic forever changed the workplace and how we conduce relationships with others.

I work from home three days a week and on the two days I’m actually in the office, there is hardly much conversation. No interaction other than Zoom for the most part.

So now I’ve got to try to internalize a true perception of myself while also taking account of how I make look on someone else’s screen.

Did I mention, with no feedback for reference?

Business in this manner makes me feel like I’m only going through the motions and don’t have much control over my own career.

So I think both personally and professionally, I need to really sit down with myself and think about how others may feel when we interact. I know I can do better at home; I’ve let a few too many curse words slip now that we’ve got a talking and brilliant toddler. And I can always do better at listening to understand Dylan, rather than thinking of my response to what he’s saying. We’re pretty upfront about everything when needed.

Anywhooo, the overall gist is that self-reflection is hard, especially after feeling the effects of a global pandemic. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself when thinking about how much better you could be, but rather consider how many things you are ROCKIN. Cut yourself some slack – EVERYONE is under their own form of stress right now. We’re all trying to adjust to something new. We’ll make it through it.

EOD Thoughts: 07.02.2021

I’m working harder at not worrying about things until I need to. I’ve always been bad about gnawing on every scenario possible when I know something is coming up.

What will they say?

How would I respond?

What would happen?

I’m only digging myself deeper into a hold of anxiety and uneasiness. I try to remind myself that 99% of the things that I worry about never even happen anyway. So what’s the point of stewing? Life is too short to waste energy by being worried about fantasy scenarios.

I’ll worry when I need to, but until then, I’m just chillin’.

…………………………….

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: 06.09.2021

Kids are exhausting.

Need I really say more?

But it’s okay because I’m currently snuggled up with my daughter watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I always loved Goofy growing up.

Sometimes I’m exhausted and wanting to be left alone, but once I take a breath and think about the bigger picture, I’m back on my mom A-game. We all have those days- hell, maybe even weeks! Being a human is hard and no one truly has it figured out.

But life is good and I’m embracing my time on this earth. I’ve been trying to live my life without worrying about the things that I don’t yet need to worry about.