The lonely birdhouse

I step out on my back patio

To take in the winter scene

The snow’s beautiful blanket

Lays out smooth before me

Not a creature stirs

Not a sound was heard

The birdhouse, once full with a family

Now looks so cold and empty

The winter’s beauty leaves me aghast

But I can’t help but miss those little birds

The Silence

I’m sitting at my desk with a moment of peace

For how long it lasts, who knows

My infant rests quietly in his swing

His soft, infrequent whimpers remind me he’s still there

My daughter, sprawled out on our bed;

with her beautiful blonde curls surrounding her

She sleeps so sweetly you’d never guess

the power and strength she possesses when she wakes

It’s quiet now;

but it won’t be for long.

It’s funny how much you miss the quiet when they’re awake

and how much you miss the noise once they’re asleep

Goodbye, sorrow

Goodbye, sorrow,

I lie to myself.

Why do I feel the need to not feel what I feel?

I’m allowed to be angry

And I’m allowed to feel that anger as long as I need to.

There is no time limit on healing.

It comes in waves.

I’ll feel overwhelmingly fine,

And I’ll be unresentful.

But then sometimes I feel so full of anger

And wonder.

How did this happen? Why did it have to be this way?

Sometimes I feel guilty for having an understanding of the word hate.

And then I’ll be okay again, feeling guilty for living like it doesn’t matter.

But it does.

I’ll just whisper to myself,

Goodbye, sorrow

The Thorned Rose

It’s easier to let go

of an expectation

Than it is to

Hold someone accountable

for letting you down

The world will crumble

And won’t think twice

about taking you with it

Much like a thorn

Who softens it’s prick

for not one soul

You’ll work around it

Ignore the pain

And keep growing

But that failed expectation

Will devastate even

the strongest of forces

This is hard

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning

It’s 9pm and my daily to do list still has five things left on it…

Oh shit, the baby is waking up. Better make a bottle of formula since I suck and forgot to pump

It’s takes so long to sit down and put him to the breast

I wanted my breastfeeding journey to be much longer but I’m afraid it’s dwindling down

I’m trying my best but I’m in my head

I still have to do my college homework

What am I doing?

I take on all of these things and I have no one to take the kids to when I need some time away

I’m stuck here

In this world of everlasting responsibility

And there’s no clocking out

I’m tired. So so tired

But I’ll continue to rise

For Years to Come

There is no handbook on how to deal with heartache

There is no medicine to cure the pain

How can the one you love most use words that pierce your heart like a knife to bare skin?

It’s not the first time

And won’t be the last –

Your words have such impact on someone who reads into every clue from your brow

I study you

My absolute favorite person

The one I know most about

The one I revolve my life around

Why do I feel I’m more in love with you than I feel like you’re in love with me?

You hide your true emotion behind words that sting like a hornet

Its harsh pain will eventually dissipate

But you’ll remember how badly it hurt in that moment for years to come

Heavy Feelings

I have heavy feelings tonight.

Ones I’ve had for awhile. They’ve been festering inside me. They aren’t that disruptive.

Except for when I sit alone with myself, only my thoughts to entertain me.

They have been tugging at me, these feelings.

But it’s easier to let you hide in your guilt than it is to initiate confrontation.

I think it’s taking so long because you know that the guilt belongs to you.

There is more than one instance of this in my life right now.

I don’t have the energy to plead what I’m owed.

I’m usually more stubborn about things like this.

But this time, I’m just tired and I have no fight left in me.

It is what it is.

I’ll carry these heavy feelings and hope that they resolve sooner rather than later.

I don’t have the time

I want to feel angry.

I want to.

But I don’t have the time,

I don’t have the mental capacity,

I don’t have the sanity,

I don’t have the self-control to

bring myself back in

once I start down that path.

It’s not something I can prioritize

anymore.

It no longer consumes me.

I push it to the back burner

because I have to.

I know I could feel better

if I let those emotions come

over me,

if I’d just let them go.

But I’ve got people

depending on me now,

that I didn’t have before.

Because my daughter is

watching me with a careful eye

and I don’t want the only

vision of a strong woman she sees

to be the one she sees on a screen.

Before, I could let

the emotions consume me.

I could fall apart and

nobody would know.

Before, I could hold the anger

until I was ready to release it.

I could reel myself in.

I could take my time sorting out

my feelings and

making sense of emotions.

But now?

It’s all different now.

I don’t have the time.