I step out on my back patio
To take in the winter scene
The snow’s beautiful blanket
Lays out smooth before me
Not a creature stirs
Not a sound was heard
The birdhouse, once full with a family
Now looks so cold and empty
The winter’s beauty leaves me aghast
But I can’t help but miss those little birds
I’m sitting at my desk with a moment of peace
For how long it lasts, who knows
My infant rests quietly in his swing
His soft, infrequent whimpers remind me he’s still there
My daughter, sprawled out on our bed;
with her beautiful blonde curls surrounding her
She sleeps so sweetly you’d never guess
the power and strength she possesses when she wakes
It’s quiet now;
but it won’t be for long.
It’s funny how much you miss the quiet when they’re awake
and how much you miss the noise once they’re asleep
I lie to myself.
Why do I feel the need to not feel what I feel?
I’m allowed to be angry
And I’m allowed to feel that anger as long as I need to.
There is no time limit on healing.
It comes in waves.
I’ll feel overwhelmingly fine,
And I’ll be unresentful.
But then sometimes I feel so full of anger
How did this happen? Why did it have to be this way?
Sometimes I feel guilty for having an understanding of the word hate.
And then I’ll be okay again, feeling guilty for living like it doesn’t matter.
But it does.
I’ll just whisper to myself,
It’s easier to let go
of an expectation
Than it is to
Hold someone accountable
for letting you down
The world will crumble
And won’t think twice
about taking you with it
Much like a thorn
Who softens it’s prick
for not one soul
You’ll work around it
Ignore the pain
And keep growing
But that failed expectation
Will devastate even
the strongest of forces
Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning
It’s 9pm and my daily to do list still has five things left on it…
Oh shit, the baby is waking up. Better make a bottle of formula since I suck and forgot to pump
It’s takes so long to sit down and put him to the breast
I wanted my breastfeeding journey to be much longer but I’m afraid it’s dwindling down
I’m trying my best but I’m in my head
I still have to do my college homework
What am I doing?
I take on all of these things and I have no one to take the kids to when I need some time away
I’m stuck here
In this world of everlasting responsibility
And there’s no clocking out
I’m tired. So so tired
But I’ll continue to rise
There is no handbook on how to deal with heartache
There is no medicine to cure the pain
How can the one you love most use words that pierce your heart like a knife to bare skin?
It’s not the first time
And won’t be the last –
Your words have such impact on someone who reads into every clue from your brow
I study you
My absolute favorite person
The one I know most about
The one I revolve my life around
Why do I feel I’m more in love with you than I feel like you’re in love with me?
You hide your true emotion behind words that sting like a hornet
Its harsh pain will eventually dissipate
But you’ll remember how badly it hurt in that moment for years to come
Tired moms everywhere are sighing
I have heavy feelings tonight.
Ones I’ve had for awhile. They’ve been festering inside me. They aren’t that disruptive.
Except for when I sit alone with myself, only my thoughts to entertain me.
They have been tugging at me, these feelings.
But it’s easier to let you hide in your guilt than it is to initiate confrontation.
I think it’s taking so long because you know that the guilt belongs to you.
There is more than one instance of this in my life right now.
I don’t have the energy to plead what I’m owed.
I’m usually more stubborn about things like this.
But this time, I’m just tired and I have no fight left in me.
It is what it is.
I’ll carry these heavy feelings and hope that they resolve sooner rather than later.
I want to feel angry.
I want to.
But I don’t have the time,
I don’t have the mental capacity,
I don’t have the sanity,
I don’t have the self-control to
bring myself back in
once I start down that path.
It’s not something I can prioritize
It no longer consumes me.
I push it to the back burner
because I have to.
I know I could feel better
if I let those emotions come
if I’d just let them go.
But I’ve got people
depending on me now,
that I didn’t have before.
Because my daughter is
watching me with a careful eye
and I don’t want the only
vision of a strong woman she sees
to be the one she sees on a screen.
Before, I could let
the emotions consume me.
I could fall apart and
nobody would know.
Before, I could hold the anger
until I was ready to release it.
I could reel myself in.
I could take my time sorting out
my feelings and
making sense of emotions.
It’s all different now.
I don’t have the time.
The humid Illinois air thickens