I don’t have the time

I want to feel angry.

I want to.

But I don’t have the time,

I don’t have the mental capacity,

I don’t have the sanity,

I don’t have the self-control to

bring myself back in

once I start down that path.

It’s not something I can prioritize

anymore.

It no longer consumes me.

I push it to the back burner

because I have to.

I know I could feel better

if I let those emotions come

over me,

if I’d just let them go.

But I’ve got people

depending on me now,

that I didn’t have before.

Because my daughter is

watching me with a careful eye

and I don’t want the only

vision of a strong woman she sees

to be the one she sees on a screen.

Before, I could let

the emotions consume me.

I could fall apart and

nobody would know.

Before, I could hold the anger

until I was ready to release it.

I could reel myself in.

I could take my time sorting out

my feelings and

making sense of emotions.

But now?

It’s all different now.

I don’t have the time.

Seedlings

It’s so weird to think

that just a few months ago

this beautiful plant

was just a tiny seed.

It was hiding dormant

in a shell,

but then it emerged

and now it lives.

Growing, reaching

for the sun.

Reacting to stress and

its environment,

breathing

surviving

thriving.

What was once a seedling,

is now just trying to live.

I relate to the cycle.

Life is flourishing

all around us.

This is a jalapeño plant we’ve been growing this year. We’re new to gardening, but hoping to grow more every year!

This fresh sweet mint is going to be amazing! Super excited for this beautiful plant!

An Angel on Earth

Her smile lights up a room

Her wide smile pierces my soul every time

How can this perfect of a being

be standing right in front of me?

How lucky I am to be blessed

with such grace in the form of kin

She’s more than the barefoot child

running down the sidewalk,

wind blowing through her blonde curls

She’s the warmth you feel in your blood

as she wraps her arms around your neck

She’s the sun and the moon and the sea

and a mixture of everything that shines and glows

She’s the rain that cleanses

and the trees that dance in the breeze

How can I not sit and admire her?

She radiates purity and

embodies a free spirit

A true angel on earth

Contradictory Cups

Some days I feel like I’m on cloud nine.

All of the scenarios I planned in my head

go through just as they should.

I’m flying through the air,

too high to care about the fall.

Smiling and laughing and playing

and hoping and forgetting and dreaming.

And then I get back home and

I realize that nothing had really changed.

The pain hadn’t gone away,

it had just been masked.

My cup was still so very close

to being empty,

even though it was just so full.

I’m still tired and I’m still angry.

I was happy a moment ago,

but now I’m questioning if

happiness is something I’ve ever really felt;

or rather, something I’ve made up in my head

in order to give myself the strength to keep going.

Was that laugh that overcame me

really as pure as I believed it to be?

Was that tug on my heart

really love pulsing through me?

Or was it just my imagination?

How can I have one cup so FULL,

yet so empty at the same time?

Am I allowed to appreciate the happiness,

even though I have so much indignation inside?

I’m contradicted.

Confused.

Dubious.

How can this be so?

Life is so amazing and bright

and marvelous and alluring,

yet so daunting and fearful

and jealous and painful.

Here I am.

Holding one cup,

yet I can’t decide

if it’s full or empty.

The contradictory cups.

Just another puzzle to solve.