13 days to go…

Well, friends. We are 13 days away from baby day.

We go to the hospital for the planned C-section on the 27th unless labor progresses on its own before then.

We are under two weeks away.

I say ‘we’ although it feels more like ‘I.’

Ya know… I carried this baby. I tore my body up. I suffered and puked and cried and endured the pregnancy on my own. Somehow it still feels selfish to take all the credit. I’m conflicted, however, because a cesarean is no joke and I’m the one going under the knife. To be honest, I’m scared to death to do it again, but I understand it’s something I’ve got to do. I’ve expressed my worry to my fiancĂ© and he is very supportive and doing his best to understand, but in the back of my mind I still know that after all, it’s me that is ultimately going through this. Not him. He is in a way – but not really.

So yeah, I’m anxious and worried and scared.

So send good vibes and wish us luck on a healthy remaining two weeks!!! Because I’m doing my best to try to keep my mind at bay, but it’s been a struggle and every day that we get closer is another day closer to me freaking out!

I can do this. Almost there.

EOD Thoughts: 07.02.2021

I’m working harder at not worrying about things until I need to. I’ve always been bad about gnawing on every scenario possible when I know something is coming up.

What will they say?

How would I respond?

What would happen?

I’m only digging myself deeper into a hold of anxiety and uneasiness. I try to remind myself that 99% of the things that I worry about never even happen anyway. So what’s the point of stewing? Life is too short to waste energy by being worried about fantasy scenarios.

I’ll worry when I need to, but until then, I’m just chillin’.

…………………………….

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

The Sheet

Life feels like there is a sheet over top of it

It’s not too hot right now, but there isn’t much to look at and

nothing is really happening.

I guess that could be a good thing. People claim, “No news is good news!”

But how can we be too sure?

This sheet may be blocking it all out. But I don’t know how to get it off.

I’ve tossed and turned, and thrown my arms up in perplexity

The sheet doesn’t halt me, it’s more of a nuisance.

I know it shouldn’t be over top of me, but the comfort of its hug is nice.

Maybe the sheet is keeping all of the bad out?

But maybe it’s not letting the good in?

For so long it felt like there was always something new to worry about

We had to keep our eyes open. Our hearts guarded.

Life is finally starting to feel like it’s calming down.

And maybe that is why I don’t want this sheet off of me.

I’m scared that once the sheet is removed, I’ll be tossed back into chaos

I can’t go back

I need the normalcy of a schedule

I like to plan the future

Uncertainty gives me anxiety

Please, oh, please

Don’t tell me the only thing keeping all of that away

is this sheet dawned over me…