Be the Change

I had a conversation with my fiancé, Dylan, the other day about my mom. She left a comment on one of my blog entries that really had me bothered. Dylan let me vent it out for a while and when I was done, he simply asked me, “Well what have youdone?” It was an innocent question, yet, at the time it angered me. I began to snap back all the ways my mom had done me wrong. He stopped me and said, “Well, you should look at it from her point of view.” I immediately got out my notebook and jotted down the notes of our conversation so that I could reflect on it later.

I have thought a lot about that conversation, and with all that self-reflection, I thought it would be a great time to talk about myflaws… The things that aren’t so great about me. I can talk until I’m blue in the face about all the things that my mom has done to me, but I’m positive there are things about me that aren’t exactly perfect either. I think it’s important that we set aside time in our lives to think about the person we wantto be, and the person that we are. More often than we’d probably like to admit, they are not the same thing.

The person I want to be is someone that is kind, reliable, and welcoming. I want to exude happiness and embody strength. I want to be honest and loving. These are the things that mean the most to me. Without much thought, I like to believe that I do, in fact, radiate all of these positive characteristics. But when I dig deeper into the depths of my own narcissism, I realize maybe I’m not the person that I want to be. 

Everyone likes to think that they are a “good” person. I encourage you to take off the blinders and try to see yourself through someone else’s eyes. Overall, I do believe that I am a “good” person. But there are things I could do better.

Appear More Welcoming & Exude Happiness. I have a VERY bad case of what people like to call the “resting bitch face.” I am aware that I may not appear to others as someone they’d want to approach or make conversation with. It’s not that I intend to come across that way, I just have a resting face that may not be welcoming; which is very unfortunate because I could talk to anyone at any time! I want to smile more and step out of my comfort zone to start conversation rather than waiting for someone else to engage with me.

Embody Strength. The first thing I’m told after I explain my story to someone is, “You’re so strong.” I think most people don’t feel as strong as others see them. That rings true to me. I am gentle, faint-hearted, and sensitive. I don’t feel strong. But I know I am. Everyone has strengths in certain situations. I want to think of myself as someone that is strong. I want my self-talk to have more recognition of the strength I possess. I have thicker skin than I like to believe, and it’s time I start acting like it.

Be Loving. I care a great deal about the people around me, but it’s always been hard for me to show it. I don’t enjoy hugging people most times, and there are a lot of people I feel strange saying “I love you” to. My sister and I always joke about how we feel uncomfortable saying “I love you.” I don’t know if it’s because of some deep fear due to trauma, or if other people feel that way too, but I want to do a better job expressing my love to my friends and family. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Imagine how much our conversations would change if we knew when the last one was going to be.

Be Reliable. I had my baby shower back in November and I invited close to twenty friends that I figured would show up or at least appreciate the invite. Three showed up, and only one out of the rest I invited even bothered to let me know that they couldn’t be there. I will never forget how miserable I felt, and even though I have moved on, I will most likely never forget the pain they caused me. I was relying on the friends I loved to come through for me, and it was very painful when they didn’t. I don’t want the people that rely on me to feel the way that I felt that day. I want to show up. I want to come through for those that expect it from me.

These are just some of the things I know that I can work on. I want to be better for those around me. Be the change you wish to see in the world!