It’s easier to let go
of an expectation
Than it is to
Hold someone accountable
for letting you down
The world will crumble
And won’t think twice
about taking you with it
Much like a thorn
Who softens it’s prick
for not one soul
You’ll work around it
Ignore the pain
And keep growing
But that failed expectation
Will devastate even
the strongest of forces
When we were kids, my uncle would take all of us out to the garage to watch a big storm roll by. We just so happened to live south of what seemed to always be the path of the storms. So we would get our lawn chairs and flip cell phones out and have a fun night.
Times were so much more simple back then. We would laugh from the adrenaline running through our bodies – being so close to a storm yet so far away, you never know what could happen. We would gather around the weather radio and listen to where the rotation of a tornado was spotted. The garage was facing the right direction to see the storm go by and not have rain blowing in on you. There were no true worries back then. Those were the nights we were the closest. Those were the nights we came together. I wish I could get those childhood memories back. Now we’ve all grown up, split apart, and started our own families.
Tonight my own little fam sat in the garage and listened to the radio forecasts and watched the storm roll in. It was nothing too serious, but it did make me feel happy to share memories like this with the family I made. It connected me to my roots, and I’m thankful.
“I wish somebody would tell you you’re in the good ol’ days before you’ve actually left them.”
I avoid social media
Because those girls have skinny waists and
Flashy white teeth
And those are the things that society deems as beautiful
That I do not have
Nevermind the fact that
The freckles on my nose reflect patterns of stars that shine down on a cloudless summer night
Nevermind the fact that im an empath that feels the pain of others sometimes deeper than I feel the pain of my own
Nevermind the fact that I don’t base the quality of my day upon how many people hit a like button
Nevermind the fact that smiles of strangers passing by are so contagious I sometimes feel like a fool for feeling joy through the expressions on someone else’s face
Nevermind the fact that I’m smart and kind and forgiving and encouraging
Nevermind the fact that I’m good with faces and if you tell me your name I won’t likely forget it
Nevermind the fact that I’m open-minded enough to hear out your side of an argument and strong enough to explain my own
Nevermind all of these qualities that make me the kind of person that would give you the shirt off of my back
Because of society? Jealousy? Narcissism? Zealousness? Over-compensation?
To hell with society’s beauty standards.
I am beautiful.
Because I am ME.
You don’t see the way your face lights up with pride
When you’re following your dreams
You don’t see the way your lips draw a smile
When you’re looking into the heart of someone you love
You can’t hear the beauty within your bellowing laugh
When something tickles you so much that tears fill your eyes
You don’t notice the way your muscles are defined
When you wrap your arms around someone you love
You can’t feel the heat on my face
When I look at you and fall deeper in love
You don’t feel the way my heart patters in my chest
When you pull me closer
You can’t see the charm in your face
When a smile cracks on your tired face
You don’t see all of the worth that you contain
But when I look at you, I do
I see the beauty
I see the passion
I see the love
I see your smile
And sometimes I wish
You could see all that you are
Through my eyes
The whole reason I decided to start therapy was because a coworker told me she was going to start going again. She gave me the name of her therapist and told me to go to her website and check her out. So I did. I immediately requested more info and before the day was over, I was set up for an appointment.
When I was talking about what I wanted out of therapy, I explained to my coworker that I wanted to find out who I was aside from being a MOM. As mothers, we lean so heavily on our label as “mom” and base a lot of our vision of our success on how well we feel like we are providing for our children.
Let me tell you why I think that SUCKS.
In today’s world, it is DAMN HARD to feel an absence of insecurity in what we are doing for our kids. There are so many conflicting ideologies on “what is best” for a child. When we feel the amount of success that we have accomplished is based upon whether or not people agree with our parenting choices, it’s sooo easy to feel like we haven’t accomplished much. As mothers, we can’t please everyone, but you can bet your bottom dollar that we sure do try.
We are proud to be moms. We love our babies more than anything – it’s why we bend over backwards and dedicate our lives to making sure our children have everything. But that same dedication to our kids can result in a lack of dedication to ourselves. I struggle with this on a daily basis. My entire day is almost solely devoted to providing for my child; so much that I feel like there just isn’t enough hours in the day to focus on myself. I know it feels that way for a lot of moms too, so I think it is important that we are making not only our children and their health a priority, but also our mental and physical health a priority too. You can’t possibly be a good mom if you aren’t feeding your own flame every once in awhile. I think the issue here is that it’s so easy to fall complacent with only being a mom. And for some, that is all they want to be! Which is also totally fine!
But I want to be so much MORE. I want to be someone that is so much more than a mom. I want to love myself aside from the role my child plays in my life (Even though that role is huge!)
I want to indulge in all of life – not just the parts where I am providing for someone else. I want to provide for me, too.
I start therapy on Friday. I’m very excited, actually. I feel like the stigma against mental health is kind of diminishing and more and more people are trying their hand at therapy. In all reality, everyone just wants to feel better. I’ve always wanted to talk to someone about all of the feelings I have, but I’ve never been so lost that I felt that there was no other option.
That is how I feel now.
I am on an unexpected, anxiety-ridden rollercoaster of emotions right now. I have hit rock bottom and I scheduled the appointment without even hesitating. I need this.
Yes, I am a daughter and a friend and a mother and a partner… but who am I when it’s not based upon a relationship with someone else?
Who am I?
I want to strip down and view myself in a completely vulnerable and open way. I want to look at why I do the things that I do. I want to find the meaning of all the pent-up emotions that never address. Why haven’t I addressed them? Am I a complete narcissist and have no clue? What can I do to make sure that I am focusing some of my energy on ME? What in my life has happened that has changed the way I form relationships with others? What can I do to improve the way I carry myself around those that love me?
There is so much that I want answers on.
So much to discover.
So much to solve.
I am so ready.
Today I am celebrating twenty-three years of life. Twenty-three years of love. Twenty-three years of adventure.
I heard my birth story from my aunt and grandmother a bunch of times growing up. I think mainly because, as they tell it, it was a wild day! My mother was in labor prematurely and it was sometime in the morning when my aunt and grandma took my mother in to the hospital. I don’t know exactly how many weeks early I was born, but they had to life flight my mom from our local hospital to the hospital at the capitol, Springfield. My aunt and grandma tell the story that they actually raced down the interstate to beat the helicopter. They both swear they were in the hospital parking lot when the helicopter landed.
Sometime just after lunch I was born via emergency c-section. My back was actually up against my mother’s abdomen when they cut her open to deliver me, so I have a large scar across my back from where they cut me when performing the c-section. I was so small I wore doll clothes because preemie clothes were too big. I’ve been told it’s a miracle I survived.
But here I am. Flourishing in the sunlight, and dreaming of tomorrow. I have been blessed many times in this life. I do my best to slow down, breathe it in, and enjoy the things that bring me joy. In honor of today, I have made a list of a few of the things that bring me JOY!
- My beautiful daughter, Della Rae. Her spunky attitude and playful heart brings an overwhelming sense of pride every time I look at her.
- My handsome fiancé. Dylan’s passion for music and sly rhetoric reminds me that the simplest things in life are the most important. Our love is truly an adventure and I cannot wait to marry him in just over one year!
- The adrenaline rush that comes when you start to run.
- My family.
- Pumpkins patches and autumn weather.
- Hearing “I love you”
- Good hair days.
- Singing in the shower and on road trips.
- The way my keyboard sounds when I type really fast at work.
- My daughter’s laugh.
- Hiking and camping.
- Pay day!
- Sunday morning snuggles in bed with Della Rae and Dylan
- Softball and basketball and football and hockey and any sport, really.
- Blogging and the friends I’ve made through WordPress.
- Mexican food and margaritas.
- Watching Grey’s Anatomy.
Some are silly, some are very common. But all bring me joy and make me enjoy the life that I am living. Today I am celebrating twenty-three years of life. A good life.
I am so very blessed. Here is to a life full of love and adventure!! 🎉🎁🎊