In the Morning

I wake up in the morning

Feeling like an absolute star

I’m motivated to start the day

And conquer all that lies before me

But then I get out of bed

And start thinking about

All the ways I’ve let myself down

Too clingy

Too chubby

Too shy

Too busy

Too self-conscious

I look in the mirror and 

Run my fingers through my

Wavy long hair

I like the way it falls against my back

And frames my face

I layer on mascara and

Study the freckles

That cover my nose and cheeks

Maybe I am beautiful

Then I begin to realize 

I’m not as bad as I think I am

I don’t give myself enough credit

For I have strength in so many ways

I am fierce

I am determined

I am smart

I am reliable

And I am out of bed today

And that is a feat

That not all can achieve

 

Finding the Happy Medium Between Caring For Others & Caring For Yourself

I have a hard time making sure that I take time to do things for ME. I am totally the type of person to give and give and give myself away to everyone else in order to keep those around me happy. I truly believe that giving is better than receiving, but let’s be honest… It does feel good to receive!

You owe it to yourself to not feel shame about doing what makes you happy. I used to think that doing so much for everyone else was simply me wearing myself down and not taking exploring the things that I love. But then I changed my perspective. I love to comfort people. I love to take weight off of people’s shoulders. Ilove making people feel welcome and at home. And just because I go out of my way to make those things happen, doesn’t mean that I care any less about myself. It makes me happy making others happy, and I shouldn’t feel shame or regret about the fact that caring for others (sometimes more than myself) brings me joy.

Find a happy medium. So… yeah. I like to make others happy. Most people do. But what you have to keep in mind is that you can’t truly be happy unless you are happy with yourself. You can give endlessly for those around you, but if you aren’t giving yourself even half of the attention that you are giving to everyone else, there is no way you can possibly be happy. I can’t stress just how important it is to spoil yourself every once in a while. Sometimes I forget that my happiness and mental health matters too, and it always end in a crying fit of rage and jealousy. So find a happy medium. It’s good to care for others, but do not forget that YOU MATTER TOO!

Spoil yourself! Believe it or not, but I am not the typical girl. I would much rather go hiking or fishing than going to get my nails or hair done. The point is, it’s important to identify the things that bring your mind and body peace and do those things! If you’re not sure what things you would enjoy to do for yourself, there is nothing wrong with exploring to find what works best for you and your schedule. You deserve to be spoiled because YOU ARE AN AMAZING, LIVING CREATURE! Life is hard! Make the most of it!

Here are some ideas of activities you can do to make sure you are caring for yourself:

  • Play an instrument
  • Read a book
  • Wash your face or put on a face mask (I tried this for the first time the other day, and even though it was a quick and subtle fifteen minutes, I couldn’t believe how refreshed I felt afterwards!)
  • Ride a bike
  • Paint your nails
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Go for a walk or drive alone
  • Put lotion on (I have recently made this a habit after every shower. It sounds silly, but that extra 5-10 minutes I get alone to myself after a shower really makes a difference! Plus, who doesn’t love soft, smooth skin!)
  • Take yourself on a date
  • Paint, write, or draw
  • Listen to music

Whatever activity or hobby you decide to take part in, make sure you are doing it without distraction and focusing on reaching a peaceful and happy state of mind. What do you do to rejuvenate your mind and body? I’d love to hear some of your ideas or recommended products!! Drop a comment and let’s chat!!

Excuses & Friendships

Maintaining friendships after parenthood is hard. Most parents will agree.

But I always kind of had a hard time keeping up with others even before I had a baby. I have always been more introverted, and I can’t really think of a time in my life where I truly felt like I had a “best friend.” Sure, I had people I trusted, hung out with, and considered more than a simple acquaintance, but I never really felt a connection deep enough to where I felt totally comfortable and completely understood.

A short time ago, I had an old high school friend message me and ask how the baby and I were. I hadn’t heard from this friend in quite a while. I will admit, I was being petty about her not coming to visit me like I feel a good friend should. After all, she lives a county away from me. When she messaged me, I was busy doing whatever thing I had on my list of things to do as a working mom, so I gave her a simple: “We’re good.”

I didn’t mean anything negative by it. I was just … BUSY! So she ended up getting upset about how she tries to keep up with me now that I have a baby and that all I do is shut her out. I can see where she is coming from. In all honesty, I will probably always be the type to keep my distance when it comes to outsiders. I like friendship and I do believe that healthy relationships are important, I just no longer have the time to put a bunch of effort into people that aren’t making an actual, solid attempt to see me. You can make every excuse under the sun as to why you don’t go visit someone, but when it comes down to it… it just shows that you don’t actually care that much. And I told her just that.

How much you care is how much you try.

On the other hand, I had a friend that actually put in a great deal of effort to see me and meet my daughter for the first time. When I first got out of high school, I headed straight to Eastern Illinois University. There I met a girl named Tiffany. Now, we both only went to school there for one semester, but we were thick as thieves. We would run out to my car and smoke cigarettes, go to the frat houses, and hang out in our dorm rooms. All college fun… but that was four years ago. We never lost touch. 

Tiffany and I while in college

Tiffany and I this past weekend

I actually met up with Tiff in Chicago about a year ago, and then this past weekend she made the four hour trek to come visit me and meet my daughter.

I’d say that is a helluva lot more effort than most people give.

And we had only seen one another one time in the last four years.

My point of this isn’t to bitch about the people that aren’t putting effort into relationships.

My point is… The people that care, will show up.

It doesn’t matter if you only knew them for a total of four months.

It doesn’t matter if you haven’t seen them in years.

And it doesn’t matter how far away they are.

If they care, they will show up.

 

The Night Before Her Birth

Until you’ve experienced it, childbirth is a scary thing to think about. For a long time, it was at the very TOP of my list of biggest fears. I didn’t have any experiences to compare the most painful and emotional thing that I was ever going to put myself through, so the thought of becoming a mom was absolutely terrifying for me. There is no moment in your life that will prepare you for motherhood. It’s something you just have to dive into, even if you’re scared shitless and don’t have a clue what to expect.

My daughter was measuring two weeks ahead and in the 99 percentile from the very first ultrasound. As my due date got closer and my belly got bigger, our concerns became about the method of delivery. I am 5’3” (on a good day) and my hips are pretty narrow. My doctor was worried about delivering vaginally because she may have gotten stuck on the way out, resulting in a traumatizing delivery or emergency c-section. He left the decision up to me: Did I want to try a vaginal delivery and risk her getting stuck? Or did I want to go ahead and schedule a c-section and avoid the trauma?

36 weeks- large & glowing!

After a lot of deliberation and weighing the options carefully, I decided to have the c-section.

With that decision came a lot of emotion. For some reason, people have this invalid perception that having a baby cut from your womb is “the easy way out.” I am here to tell you that it is without a doubt, not an easier way to give birth. Any method of delivery is beautiful, worthy, courageous, and just plain hard.

Seven layers of flesh are cut during a c-section.

The recovery time is much slower than that of a vaginal birth.

You are awake the entire time, knowing that your insides are open and laid out behind the sheet in front of you.

I didn’t get to hold my baby until almost an hour after she was born.

Five months later and I still can’t feel nearly half of my abdomen when I touch it.

I went in to be induced at 39 weeks, on January 5, 2019. I was told to be at the hospital by 6am. The night before I knew I had to be there, I laid in bed with my mind spinning and imagining what I was going to be experiencing in just a few short hours. 

I don’t think I even blinked the entire night.

Being induced and knowing that it is most likely going to result in a c-section is perhaps one of the most nerve-wracking things I’ve ever gone through. I laid there that night and thought about how once I left the house, I would not return until the human that I had been housing inside of me for the last nine months was introduced to the outside world. I worried about how I would be as a first-time mom. I watched videos of c-sections and scared myself even more (Still cool though – I’m a science nerd). I was more scared the night before we went to the hospital than I was the entire nine months prior combined.

Laying in bed with my fiancé the night before we went to the hospital

Four o’clock came fast. After what seemed like year-long pregnancy, it was finally time to get up, grab my bags, and go meet my baby girl for the very first time.

I never knew excitement and terror could co-exist so charmingly.

Baby time! Our picture together when we arrived at the hospital 🎉

•••••••••••••••••••••

Stay tuned for my birth story. I will publish at a later time!! ❤️❤️❤️

You are not your parent’s mistakes

You are not your parent’s mistakes. You are not responsible to carry their burden.

I have always struggled with this. Living in a small town community, nearly everyone knows your business, baggage and all. The thing about me, though, was that I was so very different that most of the other kids in my high school. When I say that I was from a small town, what I mean is that I graduated from high school with a class of 54. There were only two students in the entire high school that identified as something other than white. When I say there was no diversity, I mean NONE. Zilch.

So to feel like the outsider when most everyone was all so alike, was like carrying a bowling ball in my backpack hoping no one would notice.

I was ashamed of my mom. She was using meth and was in and out of prisons all throughout the state. And I felt like it was written all over my forehead, as if someone could see her mistakes when they looked at me. I felt nervous if someone looked at me for more than a few seconds.

They probably know that I’m the kid of a drug addict.

So my confidence went on the decline. I didn’t give people the benefit of the doubt – I just assumed that everyone could tell what I came from. I thought my mom’s choices defined me, and that held me down for a very long time.

I grew up, moved on, and came to understand that the person she became was not going to be the person that I would become. I wanted different, and I was in the position to do so. My aunt and uncle took me in, taught me right from wrong, supported me, and loved me as their own. All I had to do was believe in myself as much as they believed in me.

It’s hard to distance yourself from something that feels like a part of you. I will always feel the void where my mom doesn’t exist. I will always feel a tingle of embarrassment when someone tells me that they know who my mom is. I came from her. I exist because of her. 

And to decide that those things don’t matter is very hard to do.

I am not my mom’s lapse in judgement. I do not have to carry the weight of her misguidance on my shoulders. I am not her.

I am strong-willed and brave. I have a brilliant mind. I am a force to be reckoned with. I am happiness and power, rolled up as one.  I am nature. I am beautiful. I am hard-working and resilient. I am me.

There is so much that am, and it has nothing to do with my mother.

You

Are

Not 

Your

Parent’s

Mistakes.

June Blogging Challenge: Day 10

10 on 10 photos – with or without captions

Today’s prompt is a fun one! It gives me a chance to tell you guys a little bit about myself and give you some visual aides! I would LOVE for some of you guys to do this one with me!! I am always wanting to know more about all of you!

1. ME! 🙂

This is a quick little selfie I took this morning before work!

2. My FAMILY ❤️

My fiancé Dylan and our baby Della Rae

3. Our kitty, Archer

4. Can’t leave out our other kitty, Mojo

5. Hobbies

Blogging! And can’t forget… Being a MOM!

6. My fiancé

7. Something I’m proud of

8. My JOB

I am a Pricing Clerk at a Food ReDistribution Center, called Dot Foods

9. My favorite color

YELLOW – it’s such a HAPPY color! 🌞

10. Thank you!!!

I love you all!! 🥰🥰🥰

I am ALMOST to 100 followers, which to some of you readers may not be much, but 💯 people wanting to read the words that I write seems INSANE! When I started this blog back in February of 2018, I never expected to receive so much support and make so many new friends, let alone actually reach almost 100 followers on my site! So THANK YOU for the follow and all the love!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

An Open Letter to the Grandparents of My First Baby

To the grandparents of my first baby:

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Terrified of the unknown. Terrified of how you’d react. Terrified of how I would be as a new mom. I can say with certainty now, parenthood is something you just don’t understand until you are one yourself. There is no glimpse into the future. There is no certainty of anything when it comes to having a child.

I remember trying to muster up the courage to tell you that your baby was having a baby of her own. Becoming a parent was something I still hadn’t fully came to terms with myself… and yet I had to tell you that you were going to be a grandparent and hope you would be supportive of this new journey I was starting.

You were everything I had always imagined and more.

I remember the shrill sound of your voice, all joy and excitement pouring from your heart. I remember feeling you cry as you hugged me, telling me how proud you were and how much you loved me. I remember feeling the nervousness and worry liberate itself from me. 

As the months went on and my belly began to grow, you were by my side with new baby clothes in one hand and some shoes to match in the other. You were there at ultrasounds, baby showers, crying fits, and doctor’s appointments. You offered all the advice you could and encouraged me to have confidence in myself.

There was not a single moment since I found out about my pregnancy where I felt like I had let you down. You never made me feel like this was an unwanted circumstance. You never made me question whether I was doing the right thing.

I want to thank you for all you have done for me in my journey to motherhood. You understood the love that children bring, and you helped me understand that one day I, too, would feel the overwhelming love and vulnerability of having a child of my own. You understood what it was like to see the entire contents of your heart walking around on this earth… And now I do too.

I want to thank you for being amazing grandparents. We grow up knowing our parents as the people that shape us into who we become, but that relationship is so much more beautiful when you get to see your parents handling the child that you made. Life is one big circle, and watching the people that you have known the longest care for a life you made is nothing short of spectacular.

As grandparents, you have made me a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend. But most importantly, you have made me into a better mom – a mom that has no doubt that she is doing a damn good job. Thank you for being supportive parents to me, and THANK YOU for being the BEST grandparents to my beautiful baby.

Love,

Your Baby Girl

 

Mental Health Awareness Month

I’ve never talked about mental health on my blog before, but I figured it’s a great topic to talk about, and since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, there’s no better time than now!

When I think about words that describe myself, I first think about words like happy, energetic, motivated, determined, etc. But the truth is, there are more times than I’d like to admit where I feel the exact opposite of those. There are days I want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep the day away. There are days where I feel sad, have no energy, no motivation, and no patience.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. (46.6 million people) experience mental illness in a given year. Also, mood disorders, (including major depression, dysthymic disorder and bipolar disorder) are the third most common cause of hospitalization in the U.S. for both youth and adults 18–44 years old.

So if so many people are affected by a mental illness, why do I feel so alone when we realize that I may be suffering, too?

When I look back on my life, my darkest time was definitely throughout my junior high school years. I remember talking to the school counselor a lot during my 6th, 7th, and 8th grade years. It was the time in my life where I most struggled with the absence of my mom. I think it was when I first started to fully understand what had happened to me and began to realize that my life was much different that those of my classmates. I was angry a lot of the time. I grew up in a family of six siblings, and at this time I remember I would get in trouble a lot for hitting on them. I don’t consider myself a hostile person, but at that time I was looking for an outlet of my emotions that didn’t involve talking about or dealing with the severity of them. I resented my mom and the fact that she chose drugs over my sister and I, but my sister was years younger than I was and couldn’t fully understand what had happened. She was only 3 when DCFS took us from our mom. So I was dealing with all of those demons completely alone- even the person that I went through this with couldn’t help me.

It was my eighth grade year when I hit rock bottom. I had a bedroom in our basement, and my bed was one of those bunk beds that had a desk under it instead of a second mattress. I was sitting at that desk listening to some of Eminem’s darkest songs and thinking about how much I hated what I was going through. I got up and searches the medicine cabinet for any and all pills I could find.

I went back to my desk, laid the pills out, and started writing goodbye letters to my loved ones. Before I got through the last letter, I was bawling and starting to realize that this wasn’t something I could go through with. I imagined what my family would be like as they read these letters, and I realized I loved them WAY too much to put them through something like that.

I went to school the next day. During PE hour, I gave my best friend the letter I had wrote her the night before and explained to her what I was feeling. We cried together in the locker room and she took me to go get help from a teacher.

I’ll never forget that moment.

We grew apart in the following years, but I have treasured that moment of love and understanding for all of these years. She was the one that picked me up without judgement and led me to the help I needed. I love her for that to this very day.

Many years ago!!

There is no shame in getting the help you need. I recently read a post on Facebook that said something along the lines of hoping that one day getting help for mental health would be as normal as going to the doctor for an injury, and that getting released from school for mental health would be as normal as leaving for a tummy ache. What a world that would be. Let’s end the stigma against mental illness and help those suffering get the help they need.

The big 5-0

I have finally hit 50 followers! I just wanted to dedicate this to all of you awesome readers that follow my journey, read my story, and leave your comments.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what I’d be getting into. I’ve always had a passion for writing, and I knew exactly what my platform was going to be. Writing has always been a great outlet for me, and it’s something I love to do!

I started to write a book back when I was in high school, but kind of just let it go to the way side. I’ve decided I wanted to get back into creative writing and work on publishing chapters of a new book! I already published a prologue for it, if you are interested in reading it I have left the link at the bottom of this article. I think it will be a fun journey and a great way to challenge myself while also pursuing a long-standing dream of mine.

Anyway, THANK YOU for your follow, your friendship, and your support! 50 followers may not sound like much, but this blog has turned into way more than I ever could have dreamed!

-Xoxoxo, Chrissy-

❤️

Read Prologue here.

Della is three months old today!

It has been awhile since I’ve given an update on my beautiful Bebe girl, but since today she turns THREE MONTHS old, I thought it would be a great time for an update on my new life in motherhood!

Ever since we brought her home, Della has been one of the most content and well-behaves babies I’ve ever seen! For the most part, she does not fuss unless she’s hungry, wants attention, or needs changed. She sleeps through the night pretty well- only waking about two times a night to eat. Once fed, she goes right back to sleep. 🙂 We are so lucky! However, it makes those nights when she’s up more than a couple times even more frustrating because we’re not used to it! Haha, but I truly can’t complain!

She’s such a happy, smiley girl. I’ve had quite a few moms tell me she should be a Gerber baby! I think her beauty is rooted in the fact that she has these long, beautiful lashes and curly hair. Ahhh, she makes my heart swoon!

She hasn’t yet let out a hard giggle, but she’s smiling and trying to get one out!

I can have bad days, but it’s amazing how those frustrating times no longer matter once I get her in my arms. Motherhood is truly one of the best things in the world!

Hope you all enjoy the photos of our beautiful girl. I’ll try to give more updates on here. What can I say? I’ve been pretty busy! 🥰