We go to the hospital for the planned C-section on the 27th unless labor progresses on its own before then.
We are under two weeks away.
I say ‘we’ although it feels more like ‘I.’
Ya know… I carried this baby. I tore my body up. I suffered and puked and cried and endured the pregnancy on my own. Somehow it still feels selfish to take all the credit. I’m conflicted, however, because a cesarean is no joke and I’m the one going under the knife. To be honest, I’m scared to death to do it again, but I understand it’s something I’ve got to do. I’ve expressed my worry to my fiancé and he is very supportive and doing his best to understand, but in the back of my mind I still know that after all, it’s me that is ultimately going through this. Not him. He is in a way – but not really.
So yeah, I’m anxious and worried and scared.
So send good vibes and wish us luck on a healthy remaining two weeks!!! Because I’m doing my best to try to keep my mind at bay, but it’s been a struggle and every day that we get closer is another day closer to me freaking out!
We’re at 35 weeks, everyone! I’ve officially made it inside the 30 day mark. This is almost cause for celebration (almost)!
Today I had an ultrasound and he was measuring one week ahead and nearly SIX pounds. It’s always reassuring to see your babe appear healthy and growing while in your womb. Not everyone gets to experience that, so it’s something I try to enjoy although pregnancy can be a struggle.
Four more weeks. I can do this. I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
(Even though I don’t have the nursery completed or a hospital bag packed)
Last night was the bright harvest moon. Today I’m looking out at this soybean field that stretches across the street from my front porch, and I’m thinking, ‘Look at the beautiful and gradual change of color within this field. How lucky I feel to have had my hard work pay off and to purchase my own home. And one with a view like this, at that!’
‘A lot of pain, sweat, and tears was shed before I got here. I remember the days dreaming of what I’ve got now.’
Today I’m especially stricken with pride as I enjoy the beautiful day’s views from a front porch swing.
I love the fall. It’s the time of year that has the best weather and most fun activities. I’m a total autumn junkie – count me in for all of the fall activities. Pumpkin patches, bonfires, football games, hayrack rides, all of it.
So today the weather here in central Illinois is a bit cooler than it has been. Last week the heat index all week long was over 100 degrees. It’s currently 66. So I’m LOVING IT.
I know that there are some people out there that DO NOT want to welcome autumn the first week of September, but I wouldn’t mind if we welcomed it the first week of August! I’ve been trying to keep my excitement and desire for the new season at bay, because my fiancé likes to relish summer for as long as possible, but I’ve had my fall decor up for over a week now and I’ve already been to the store for some new candles. This morning I put my pumpkin scented wax melts in the burner and that combined with the cool air has me feeling SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD! I’ve also been cleaning the house today, so the level of comfort I’m in has me feeling so relaxed and energized at the same time, if that makes any sense. There’s just something about a clean house that cures my anxiousness and calms my nerves.
What kind of season lover are you? Do you hold onto summer for as long as possible, or do you jump into fall at the first opportunity?
I wrote a few weeks ago about the passing of our family member, “New Kitty.”
I’m writing today to introduce you to the two newest kitties we’ve welcomed to our family.
and Minnie (Mouse)
Minnie is a bit younger than Cornell, as you can probably tell. She’s also a bit more reserved and relaxed; whereas Cornell is the one who runs through the house and plays with you and has a very funny personality. We’ve really fallen in love with both of them. Minnie Mouse is kind of Della’s buddy, and I absolutely adore Cornell.
66 days until I anticipate we will be bringing another human into this world.
Just 66 short days.
And I haven’t even started the nursery or bought much of anything.
I feel so alone in this pregnancy. Like I have to pretend to be something I’m not. Of course this is an “exciting time” and no doubt I’ll love the lil guy… But I have been so damn miserable it’s hard to even force a smile. I’m supposed to sit up straight and put on my big girl pants and fake smile and act like I’m a proud, glowing woman flourishing in pregnancy.
But I’m not.
I am in the third and final trimester of this pregnancy and I am still throwing up almost every single morning. Last week I was puking so hard that I popped a blood vessel in my eye. I could feel the veins in my face bulge as I hugged the toilet.
I fell in the rain a few months ago and definitely did something to my hip/back. I’m sure I just need to go to the chiropractor, but I’ve always been nervous about chiropractors (especially while eight months pregnant). Doc prescribed some muscle relaxers that don’t do much but make me sleepy, so sometimes I’m limping through the house barely able to move. Putting on clothes is a pain that I don’t even want to talk about. The amount of pain that I’m constantly in is taking every bit of happiness I have anymore. It just sucks it all out.
I’m looking at my ankles now and I can’t even tell where the ankle ends and foot beings. Swelling is taking over all of me.
It’s hard for me to pretend that I’m so pleased to be doing this amazing thing (don’t get me wrong, pregnancy is beautiful and life is an fascinating cycle), but I am so sick and so tired and in so much pain that I don’t have any fight left in me. I don’t have the energy to put on a fake smile. If you ask me how I’m doing, don’t get disappointed when I don’t glow and tell you all of these amaaaazing things – because it’s just not going to happen. I’m going to look at you point blank and tell you that I am not doing well and I feel like sh*t.
I am alone in feeling this way. I am trapped in this body of pain and un-comfortability. I am alone in my head trying to talk myself into pulling my leg into my pants saying, ‘it doesn’t hurt that bad.‘ But it does.
Everyone out there sees a pregnant woman and assumes the best and absolute happiness. But on the inside, I feel like a failure because I can’t resonate with that mom. I’m not the mom that loves pregnancy. It feels sad admitting that to people. I feel like the odd (wo)man out.
I love my children, but pregnancy is for the birds.