EOD Thoughts: 01.19.2022

I’ve had to take 6 of the last 8 work days off because of lack of daycare 😩

Needless to say, this much time with my littles has me losing my head…

I love them so (mainly my 3 year old has me losing my temper), but sometimes I just want to escape motherhood. I could really use a break. But babysitter and her family has covid and my backup sitter has covid, so I had no choice but to burn all my sick time and some PTO time up. It sucks, but I guess that’s reality when your workplace offers to relief to parents regarding the society we live in.

I’m so sick of covid. I’m so sick of feeling so alone in parenthood. I’m just so tired of feeling stuck.

This too, shall pass. But ughhhh, I’m hoping sooner rather than later !

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

The lonely birdhouse

I step out on my back patio

To take in the winter scene

The snow’s beautiful blanket

Lays out smooth before me

Not a creature stirs

Not a sound was heard

The birdhouse, once full with a family

Now looks so cold and empty

The winter’s beauty leaves me aghast

But I can’t help but miss those little birds

Enough is enough.

Today I want to touch on a topic that I have not yet written about on Between the Lens.

And unfortunately, a sad series of events has tugged on my heart enough to compel me to write this to all of you.

In May of 2021, a young woman attended a graduation party, where she drank alcohol and swam in a pool in her underwear before passing out. She woke to a pillow being pushed in her face while being sexually assaulted. You can read more of the details here.

This case is from my hometown, so this hits very close to home.

On January 3rd, Judge Robert Adrian reversed his previous guilty verdict and gave the following statements in open court:

“Mr. Clinton has served almost five months in the county jail, 148 days. For what happened in this case, that is plenty of punishment.”

Let us note that the defendant in this case openly admitted to intercourse, claiming that he had consent. At the time of the incident, he was 18 and his victim was 16. By Illinois law, the legal age of consent is 17. So what I don’t understand is how this is statutory rape at minimum!

Judge Adrian went on,

“By law, the court is supposed to sentence this young man to the Department of Corrections. This Court will not do that. That is not just. There is no way for what happened in this case that this teenager should go to the Department of Corrections. I will not do that.”

“The court is going to reconsider its verdict, is going to find the Defendant not guilty on Count 3. And, therefore, the case — the Defendant will be released from custody.”

I also wanted to add that this young woman immediately went to her friends and told them what had happened, and the next morning they all went and reported it to her father who then called the police. This just backs up the fact that she was telling the truth. What young teenager would want to go through that just for attention?

But all of this is beside the fact.

People will bring up the fact that she was underage drinking.

They will bring up that she was swimming in a pool in her underwear.

Your outfit does not determine your consent.

Period.

So this case is infuriating, disgusting, and an abuse of power. It’s gaining national coverage for good reason. People are outraged.

As they should be.

Verdicts like this silence survivors of sexual assault. This is detrimental in giving victims their voice and power over their abusers.

I want to encourage all people, men and women, to have the courage to speak your truth. And even if you never gain that courage, you still matter and you need no validation. Do what is best for you and your healing. My heart goes out to all that have ever been in this situation. May you get the closure you need. We are loud in instances like this because ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

The judge may not have held him accountable, but the public is. And I love to see it.

I’m curious as to what you all think. Drop a comment & let’s discuss.

………………………………………………………………………………..

Read more about this story here:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/judge-robert-adrian-drew-clinton-sexual-assualt-conviction-reverse/

https://nypost.com/2022/01/13/illinois-judge-robert-adrian-slammed-for-reversing-teen-drew-clintons-rape-conviction/

Read more about Judge Robert Adrian:

https://www.newsweek.com/judge-kicks-prosecutor-out-court-liking-facebook-comment-critical-him-1668868

Sign the petition to file charges against Judge Adrian for abuse of judicial discretion here:

https://www.change.org/p/illinois-courts-commission-file-charges-against-judge-adrian-for-abuse-of-judicial-discretion-and-power

#JusticeforCammy

The Silence

I’m sitting at my desk with a moment of peace

For how long it lasts, who knows

My infant rests quietly in his swing

His soft, infrequent whimpers remind me he’s still there

My daughter, sprawled out on our bed;

with her beautiful blonde curls surrounding her

She sleeps so sweetly you’d never guess

the power and strength she possesses when she wakes

It’s quiet now;

but it won’t be for long.

It’s funny how much you miss the quiet when they’re awake

and how much you miss the noise once they’re asleep

It doesn’t always take a village…

When raising kids, you often hear the punchline “It takes a village;” referring to the idea of having a community of people around you to help raise your kids.

To me, this idiom always makes me feel empty.

I don’t have a village. I don’t know what that overwhelming comfort of support and reliance feels like.

I don’t have people blowing up my phone asking to take the kids off of my hands. I don’t have a backup babysitter, let alone girlfriends to go out and let loose with.

I don’t have close family to hang out with on Sundays; and I am not best friends with my mom, as a lot of people my age are.

It always makes me wonder where I went wrong, or what I did to deserve to feel this lonesome. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s an unwritten part of motherhood. Either way, it has a way of trapping you and making you feel like you just can’t ever win.

I don’t have a village, but I’m still standing. I’m still doing what I can to get along.

I don’t have a village, but I’m still killin’ this sh*t. I’m here for my children. They are loved. They are provided for.

So no, it doesn’t take a village.

But it sure would be nice to have one.

Welcome, 2022

What do you have in store for us? For some reason, I’m very anxious to know.

2022. The year of our long-awaited wedding. 272 days until we say “I do.”

Our daughter turns 3 on Wednesday.

Who knows what the next 363 days will bring. I’m anxious and excited but also feeling cautious. Life seems so fragile and fast these days. I worry for our country and I worry about my family getting by. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.

But I remain optimistic because life is 90% about your attitude after life happens.

I have a few resolutions I’ve started for this year:

Drink more water. I have cut out most extra calories in drinks so far, but I still need to improve the amount of water I drink everyday.

Get healthier. Day two – haven’t missed a workout yet! Planning on getting a nighttime yoga session in before bed. I find great joy in exercise and it does wonders for my mental health. I feel most confident after a good workout. I understand rest is important, so this goal doesn’t relate to “working out every day.” I will work my body as hard as I can, within toleration. A healthier lifestyle also includes eating healthier, controlling my portions, and limiting unhealthy snacking. A lot of this will require mental toughness and discipline, because I sometimes have an unhealthy relationship with food. I want to eat more fresh vegetables and fruits.

Let’s all hold one another accountable on these goals. Plus, I’ve got a wedding dress to fit into! 😉

I hope we all have the best year yet!

Goodbye, sorrow

Goodbye, sorrow,

I lie to myself.

Why do I feel the need to not feel what I feel?

I’m allowed to be angry

And I’m allowed to feel that anger as long as I need to.

There is no time limit on healing.

It comes in waves.

I’ll feel overwhelmingly fine,

And I’ll be unresentful.

But then sometimes I feel so full of anger

And wonder.

How did this happen? Why did it have to be this way?

Sometimes I feel guilty for having an understanding of the word hate.

And then I’ll be okay again, feeling guilty for living like it doesn’t matter.

But it does.

I’ll just whisper to myself,

Goodbye, sorrow

Another semester in the books

This summer I got the urge to continue pursuing my Bachelors. I’m so very close (2 semesters away) to accomplishing this goal; although much of my relationship with college has been where I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I’ve taken plenty of time away from my schooling simply because I haven’t been certain on what I wanted to do. I wrapped up my prerequisite courses no problem, but since then I hadn’t been sure what I wanted to pursue until this semester.

I got online and looked at all of the online programs that were offered, because I’d done a semester of the Business Management program and found that it most definitely wasn’t exactly what I wanted. That was the Fall of 2019.

I decided to switch over to Public Administration, and now that the semester is over I can say that this certainly is more aligned with who I imagine myself to be in my career. Now exactly what I want to do in Public Administration is still undetermined, but I feel aligned – so that’s something at least. The program is so broad that I’m confident something will come to me once I finish my schooling.

But what makes me most proud about this semester is that I took on this goal knowing the obstacles I’d face. I knew I’d be giving birth to my second child, and yet I did not let that stop me.

I’m also proud of how self aware I was. The last semester I took at UIS was a complete failure. Mind you, I’ve always been a really good student and enjoyed school. So when I had to take a failing grade in a class during my last semester at UIS, I was a bit intimidated on if I could do it. If I couldn’t handle the workload back then, what made me think I could do it while also welcoming a new child? BUT the last semester I took I had a full course load with four classes on top of working full time and being a mother. This time, I knew I’d be setting myself up for failure if I took a full time college schedule on top of working full time, being pregnant, and a toddler at home. There were many days once we returned home from the hospital that I didn’t think I could do it. I was late on a few assignments, but I put the work in. I studied and read tons of material, wrote two term papers and achieved A’s in BOTH courses. I was aware that two classes was achievable, and I accomplished my goal – many times with a newborn baby sleeping on the couch next to me.

A testament to the dedication I have and how much I value being committed to your goals and dreams. It wasn’t much, but I’m super proud and excited for the progress!