Another semester in the books

This summer I got the urge to continue pursuing my Bachelors. I’m so very close (2 semesters away) to accomplishing this goal; although much of my relationship with college has been where I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I’ve taken plenty of time away from my schooling simply because I haven’t been certain on what I wanted to do. I wrapped up my prerequisite courses no problem, but since then I hadn’t been sure what I wanted to pursue until this semester.

I got online and looked at all of the online programs that were offered, because I’d done a semester of the Business Management program and found that it most definitely wasn’t exactly what I wanted. That was the Fall of 2019.

I decided to switch over to Public Administration, and now that the semester is over I can say that this certainly is more aligned with who I imagine myself to be in my career. Now exactly what I want to do in Public Administration is still undetermined, but I feel aligned – so that’s something at least. The program is so broad that I’m confident something will come to me once I finish my schooling.

But what makes me most proud about this semester is that I took on this goal knowing the obstacles I’d face. I knew I’d be giving birth to my second child, and yet I did not let that stop me.

I’m also proud of how self aware I was. The last semester I took at UIS was a complete failure. Mind you, I’ve always been a really good student and enjoyed school. So when I had to take a failing grade in a class during my last semester at UIS, I was a bit intimidated on if I could do it. If I couldn’t handle the workload back then, what made me think I could do it while also welcoming a new child? BUT the last semester I took I had a full course load with four classes on top of working full time and being a mother. This time, I knew I’d be setting myself up for failure if I took a full time college schedule on top of working full time, being pregnant, and a toddler at home. There were many days once we returned home from the hospital that I didn’t think I could do it. I was late on a few assignments, but I put the work in. I studied and read tons of material, wrote two term papers and achieved A’s in BOTH courses. I was aware that two classes was achievable, and I accomplished my goal – many times with a newborn baby sleeping on the couch next to me.

A testament to the dedication I have and how much I value being committed to your goals and dreams. It wasn’t much, but I’m super proud and excited for the progress!

Perception isn’t always reality

I get it. I’m only 24. I’m not supposed to have it all planned out. I’m still a work in progress. I’m still trying to figure sh*t out.

But I’m not too young to be determined and know what I want from my job and understand what I deserve from my managers. I’m allowed to be driven and passionate and expect no less from others than what is expected from me.

It’s not taboo for me to be frustrated when I’m let down. It’s okay for me to be emotional when I don’t perform the way I want to. I promise you, you cannot critique me harder than I already critique myself.

I am a hard worker. I am a passionate employee. I care about the work I do and I try to do it the best I can. I already know that I don’t get the salary I’m owed and I know that there are plenty of other aspects of my job that could be improved, but I’m still giving 110% knowing that all of these things aren’t going to be solved over night.

So yes, I’m frustrated. Because I’m over-worked. And under-paid. And on top of the eight hours of stress I endure five days a week, every week, I come home and run a family and look back on a past that was meant to break me. So yes, I lack confidence. And I get defensive. But there is so much more to me than what is perceived as reality at work. I have overcome every obstacle in my life thus far, so I’m sure this is just another thing meant to teach me for the next trial.

But right now I feel beaten down and broken and unheard and disappointed.

It’s OK to evolve

I spend too much time on Facebook. But I also use social media apps to come up with new content to write about. I use a lot of quotes and read a lot of stories online that help me ground my beliefs into something that I can share in a progressive way.

This morning I was scrolling Facebook when I saw a photo that really hit me. It opened my eyes, if you will, to how much my life has turned out to be different than I ever had planned. I realized that what I once thought success looked like, isn’t what I would consider it to be now. My interests have changed, I’ve ended and created new relationships, and I’ve tested my own beliefs. I’ve overcome pain, welcomed new joy, and sought out different forms of happiness. Things I used to think I wanted are no longer even in the fore front of my life. I’ve evolved. Changed. Learned.

And it’s totally okay.

It’s okay to not stick to a plan. It’s okay to feel like you’re letting yourself down, because someday you may just find out that the old disappointment you felt was only a stepping stone to something that is much more fulfilling.

Life will work out exactly as it’s supposed to. Focus on being the happiest version of yourself and you’ll never have to worry about if you chose the right path. Life is about so much more than wealth. It’s about relationships and memories and happiness and so much more. It’s important to lead a life that you will be proud of. Even if your views change along the way.

Thank you for 10,000 views!

I have hit 10,000 views on Between the Lens. It seems hardly real that the words I’ve written have been viewed over 10,000 times.

I’m just a casual writer, letting off steam in a creative way. I never knew WordPress would mean this much to me.

Thank you for following along, commenting, and making me feel like the hobby I love means something to others.

I’m grateful for all of you.

Nasty people…

Humans are odd. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that other people are made of the same breed as I am. Some people are so mean, disgusting, awful…

My sister started a new job probably about a month and a half ago. She works in a paint room painting gates and fence that welders put together. My sister is an artist – she knows her way around paint. She loved the job initially. She got along with everyone in the paint room and would come home with high spirits and tell me all about the good day she had.

But then it stopped. I don’t know all of the details, I’m not there. But from what she tells me the “manager” of the paint room has been targeting her. They bully her and pick on her and point her out. It’s absolutely disgusting. I don’t know if they are threatened by the good work she does painting or what, but she gets threatened daily. They pick up her time punch-in card, watch her, and even told the boss that she rounded down TWO MINUTES on her time card when she was late after lunch.

She just called me crying because this same manager is being absolutely disgusting today again. She loves the job, but cannot handle the bullying. I don’t know how she has put up with it for so long. She has talked to the bosses and they don’t help. I don’t know what advice to give her, because I want her to be without a job, but I also don’t want her be targeted and treated so unfairly. Even if she has a role in the mess, no one deserves to be threatened and put down and targeted at work. It’s disgusting and it makes me sick. Her manager is a thirty year old woman, and my sister is 21 years old. I don’t know what power trip she is on, but I’m at a loss of words.

People are nasty. I don’t know how anyone gets joy or pride out of being a “manager” that treats others like that. I won’t listen to any more of it. I will go up there and talk to the owners if this crap doesn’t stop. Ridiculous.

Bigger dreams

I feel like my life is stagnant.

I feel like I’m lacking something. I have so much to offer this world, but I feel like I’m being held back.

I have so many goals and dreams, but it always seems like I’m too poor to accomplish any of them. No money means no success around here.

Not sure how to dig myself out of this hole. I work my ass off but it never seems to be enough.

I won’t ever give up, but damnit, sometimes I feel like I’ll never be on top

College is a scam

Someday I’ll get to where I want. But for now, I just feel like a failure because I still haven’t achieved what I thought I would.

And I don’t know exactly what that is, but I just know I’m not there yet. I don’t really have an specification of where I want to be or what I want to do, so I guess it makes it kind of hard. I’m three semesters away from a Bachelors- if I had chosen a degree.

Buuuuut I still haven’t.

So why waste the money to go when I don’t know what I want to do?

And besides. THAT choice is huge!!! And I’m so jealous of the people that know from Day 1 what they want to do.

They want to be a nurse, so they go to college for four years, get hired on at a hospital, and work in that field for the rest of their lives.

I’m not that lucky.

I love so many things. And I take deep interest in nearly everything (NOT MATH AND NOT ACCOUNTING) that I study. I love music and I love journalism. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I also wanted to be a Park Ranger and there was a stint where I thought Social Work would be a good fit. Oh, but I also really like studying science, but I don’t want to shoot too high because I don’t want to be a damn engineer or biologist. And I really like teaching others so I played school a lot as a child. I would love being a teacher! But the pay is so awful… And then I also wanted to be a Psychologist but the school was too long for my taste. So I thought Radiology would be cool, but ehhh, would it be cool for FORTY YEARS? So then I chose business because that is what everyone who doesn’t know what they want to do, does. Annnnd my first semester hit me with Economics and Accounting and I was like OOOKAY, business isn’t something I can really pursue and love. So now I’m waiting for another whim.

My interests change too much for a degree.

But unfortunately, I feel like a woman has to have a degree to make even close to a man.

I have a two year degree and 3 years at my job and I still make $2 less than my fiancé who has no college education.

College is somewhat of a scam. I don’t buy into that big of a monetary investment without having a secure plan and enjoy what I’m doing.

I’m hoping I’ll stumble upon something someday and know that it’s what I’m supposed to do. I just haven’t found what that is yet.

I’ve got time.

I wouldn’t say I set my level of success to having a degree though. It’s something I’d like to do, but I can also see myself having a good enough resume to advance in life without needing a degree. That just takes time, but military background and three years in an advanced pricing role at a food distribution company looks good.

EOD Thoughts: 01.06.2021

I live in a really small town, like the population is under 50. I pay $110 for crappy wifi currently because there was no other option, but a new company with fiber optics has come to town to install better wifi. I got a flyer on my porch and instantly hopped ON IT

I emailed the guy whose name was on the flyer and he replied saying he would make a trip out to our town to get me signed up and ready to go once the installation in town was finished.

Usually I’m nervous in these situations because I feel like I’m totally socially awkward, but this guy (his name was Brad) was SO NICE – like above and beyond nice.

Dylan and I once went to a concert and when we got back to the hotel room afterwards, we decided to order pizza (doesn’t everyone?). I was online and the pizza place was offering a deal IF you ordered online. Of course with my luck, the online ordering wasn’t working so I called the store to see if they’d still honor the online price (I still very much wanted the pizza). They did honor the price and the guy I spoke to on the phone was really polite. I asked his name and went on their website again to tell their corporate office that they had a very respectful employee.

I think it’s SO important to acknowledge and show appreciation for people who excel in customer service. It’s just one of those jobs that isn’t always easy. I have a lot of respect for anyone who has to deal with other humans all day long 🤨

That’s the same reason I always try to make eye contact and smile at whoever is working the fast food drive up window.

We all know how exhausting work is and how we often feel like we don’t get any appreciation. It’s nice to be complimented and I think it means even more when a STRANGER goes out of their way to recognize your efforts.

So Brad… if you’re reading this, I sent your corporate office a message about how amazing your customer service was. I hope they relay the message back to you and it makes you smile 😊

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Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: 11.19.2020

My weeks are starting to feel longer. Each day of work is stagnant and uneventful and I’d even say they’re becoming mind numbing.

No real thoughtful work. Just data entry.

Every day. For weeks.

Just eight hours of thoughtless data input and no responsibility or ownership of my tasks.

I like the company I work for and I liked the job I had before the virus, but since it hit our company hard, work is limited and roles are much different than they were before.

I don’t know how much I can hold onto this position without losing my dignity and sanity.

I feel like I’m being held back from my real potential and it’s degrading.

Working from home leaves more opportunities to take selfies LOL

EOD Thoughts: 10.28.2020

My work schedule is currently two days in the office and three days working from home. I went in to the office today and although I like working from home, going into the office is kind of nice because I get the chance to interact with people and I definitely am more productive when I’m in the office.

We must wear masks when we are up there unless we are at our own personal cubicles. There is a temperature check machine that we must use before we even clock in, and sanitizer is found all over the building. I appreciate that they are taking precautions and I really do feel like the entire company cares about the safety of their employees (Ignore the fact that the CEO and President of the company both went to a huge wedding and both contracted the virus).

I’ve pretty much been in the house since the end of June, so something as simple as going into the office to work gets me excited. I love my kid and all, but only hanging out with a toddler for four months can make a person go a liiiittle bit crazy…

I may as well get used to being at home because it looks like the region of our state will go back into regulation tomorrow, as our governor has mandated that three consecutive days of an 8+ percent positivity rate will result in curfews, no more indoor dining, and business closures at 9pm. I know we don’t always agree with those “in charge,” but I can tell you right now I would not want to be the one making these life and death decisions. It’s a tough place to be in. Families of small businesses are at risk of losing everything and others are losing their lives. How can you possibly make a decision that pleases everyone? I just ask that you all make sure you are doing your part to help. Wash your hands and wear your mask when necessary.

I hope you all are doing well and I look forward to hearing from some of you! 🙂

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Tonight’s Reflection Quote: