EOD Thoughts: 03.09.2023

Tonight I am a little anxious and a little excited.

I am currently completing a mentorship program at work. It is one you must apply and selected for, and the company matches you with a mentor to assist with personal and professional development. I met with my mentor a few weeks ago and spoke with her about my career plans and how to move forward as I approach finishing my degree. She told me that I could start applying for jobs for after graduation, so I immediately started putting in for jobs that I have never previously been able to apply for!

The first question I got from one of these companies was:

Do you have a Bachelor’s degree?

To which, I could FINALLY answer Yes (come May)!

He responded that the May timeline would work perfectly for them. I then completed a few tests and now have a phone interview for tomorrow. I am really trying not to get my hopes up, but I am mainly more excited that all of the hard work and dedication and planning and late nights and goal setting is finally feeling like it is paying off. Throughout my years in college I have completed a military contract, gotten married, had two amazing children, and built a career. I have worked hard to get here. To even have someone interested makes me feel excited and like I finally have a path and direction for my future. This potential job would be a salary job working directly with my surrounding communities and people in need of resources. This is what I have been working towards. This is my goal. My dream.

What I could never put into words is finally becoming clear. It took me several years and a degree change before choosing Public Administration as my career path, but in my heart I know that I find great joy in educating others, serving my community, and meeting new and different people.

I am excited for this new journey that I am about to begin. I will be very sad to leave the current company that I have called home for nearly five years, but this new path feels more like me. More like it’s where I belong.

I am ready for new, I think. Even though it is scary.

An Ode to Myself & My Family

I just wrapped up my last assignment for my final fall semester of college. I am now one semester away from having my degree – a feat that no one in my family has accomplished. But that’s not why it’s important to me.

I have fought for every inch I’ve gained in this life. I want something, I go get it.

I am power.

I have worked through my school work all while actively serving my country (also a first in my family), working full-time, bearing and raising two children, and managing to stay (half) sane. Next spring I will have my Bachelors in Public Administration with a Minor in English to accentuate my honorable Military discharge and Associates of Arts degree.

None of this has been easy. I have progressed and succeeded without the help from any parents, but instead leaning on my husband and into the love of my children. I do it all for them. I yearn for the day where my family can see in the impact I have on our world, using the knowledge, skills, and experiences learned from my education and service to others. I want to be the good in the world that they never give up on.

Life is a challenging and messy road. Right now, so many aspects of our world feel hopeless, lost, and unnerving. I hope my family always finds stability, passion, and a strong foundation in the woman I am; for I am constantly in a state of construction, looking for ways to repair, build, and amend the pieces of me that are broken.

I hope they grow to notice and appreciate the values I try to live my life by. I hope they subliminally and intentionally adapt these values on their own, as being an honest and hardworking and appreciative person goes a long way in this world. I hope they never give up on their dreams, even if they feel unobtainable or of great lengths to reach. I started this journey in 2015 and will finally reach my goal in 2023. Many times it felt like I was on the wrong path or in the wrong place, but it has always played out in a manner that was better than I expected or anticipated. Life can feel so gloomy, but it can also bring the uplifting wonder of glorious surprise. I hope they never lose their sense of hope, for I too have been guilty of falling into the treacherous depths of depression and lack of understanding. I hope they choose not to lean against the feeling secured deep in their guts; the feeling of intuition and trust that is nearly always accurate in guiding us to the right path. Trust it. Lean into it. Let it guide you to the life you deserve.

Another semester in the books

This summer I got the urge to continue pursuing my Bachelors. I’m so very close (2 semesters away) to accomplishing this goal; although much of my relationship with college has been where I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I’ve taken plenty of time away from my schooling simply because I haven’t been certain on what I wanted to do. I wrapped up my prerequisite courses no problem, but since then I hadn’t been sure what I wanted to pursue until this semester.

I got online and looked at all of the online programs that were offered, because I’d done a semester of the Business Management program and found that it most definitely wasn’t exactly what I wanted. That was the Fall of 2019.

I decided to switch over to Public Administration, and now that the semester is over I can say that this certainly is more aligned with who I imagine myself to be in my career. Now exactly what I want to do in Public Administration is still undetermined, but I feel aligned – so that’s something at least. The program is so broad that I’m confident something will come to me once I finish my schooling.

But what makes me most proud about this semester is that I took on this goal knowing the obstacles I’d face. I knew I’d be giving birth to my second child, and yet I did not let that stop me.

I’m also proud of how self aware I was. The last semester I took at UIS was a complete failure. Mind you, I’ve always been a really good student and enjoyed school. So when I had to take a failing grade in a class during my last semester at UIS, I was a bit intimidated on if I could do it. If I couldn’t handle the workload back then, what made me think I could do it while also welcoming a new child? BUT the last semester I took I had a full course load with four classes on top of working full time and being a mother. This time, I knew I’d be setting myself up for failure if I took a full time college schedule on top of working full time, being pregnant, and a toddler at home. There were many days once we returned home from the hospital that I didn’t think I could do it. I was late on a few assignments, but I put the work in. I studied and read tons of material, wrote two term papers and achieved A’s in BOTH courses. I was aware that two classes was achievable, and I accomplished my goal – many times with a newborn baby sleeping on the couch next to me.

A testament to the dedication I have and how much I value being committed to your goals and dreams. It wasn’t much, but I’m super proud and excited for the progress!

College is a scam

Someday I’ll get to where I want. But for now, I just feel like a failure because I still haven’t achieved what I thought I would.

And I don’t know exactly what that is, but I just know I’m not there yet. I don’t really have an specification of where I want to be or what I want to do, so I guess it makes it kind of hard. I’m three semesters away from a Bachelors- if I had chosen a degree.

Buuuuut I still haven’t.

So why waste the money to go when I don’t know what I want to do?

And besides. THAT choice is huge!!! And I’m so jealous of the people that know from Day 1 what they want to do.

They want to be a nurse, so they go to college for four years, get hired on at a hospital, and work in that field for the rest of their lives.

I’m not that lucky.

I love so many things. And I take deep interest in nearly everything (NOT MATH AND NOT ACCOUNTING) that I study. I love music and I love journalism. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I also wanted to be a Park Ranger and there was a stint where I thought Social Work would be a good fit. Oh, but I also really like studying science, but I don’t want to shoot too high because I don’t want to be a damn engineer or biologist. And I really like teaching others so I played school a lot as a child. I would love being a teacher! But the pay is so awful… And then I also wanted to be a Psychologist but the school was too long for my taste. So I thought Radiology would be cool, but ehhh, would it be cool for FORTY YEARS? So then I chose business because that is what everyone who doesn’t know what they want to do, does. Annnnd my first semester hit me with Economics and Accounting and I was like OOOKAY, business isn’t something I can really pursue and love. So now I’m waiting for another whim.

My interests change too much for a degree.

But unfortunately, I feel like a woman has to have a degree to make even close to a man.

I have a two year degree and 3 years at my job and I still make $2 less than my fiancé who has no college education.

College is somewhat of a scam. I don’t buy into that big of a monetary investment without having a secure plan and enjoy what I’m doing.

I’m hoping I’ll stumble upon something someday and know that it’s what I’m supposed to do. I just haven’t found what that is yet.

I’ve got time.

I wouldn’t say I set my level of success to having a degree though. It’s something I’d like to do, but I can also see myself having a good enough resume to advance in life without needing a degree. That just takes time, but military background and three years in an advanced pricing role at a food distribution company looks good.

EOD Thoughts: 12.23.2020

The satisfaction of accomplishing something on your own.

Let’s talk about it.

First off, WHAT A GREAT FEELING!! I’m talking about that moment when you’ve successfully done something that you set out to do ALL BY YOURSELF.

Like… You didn’t know what you were getting yourself into, but your dedicated self didn’t let that stop you.

I remember applying for financial aid for college my senior year of high school. I was the first kid of seven in my family to really pursue college, so I had no idea what I was doing. I walked in blindly, researched tips along the way, and explored the new chapter at my own pace.

And I went to college, got PAID to do so, and did it ALL on my own. I OWNED that $h#t!

Tonight I’m watching my fiancée bask in the glow of that same feeling of achievement. And it’s GLORIOUS!

Watching people succeed is THE BEST!

Dylan bought the truck he had been dreaming of back in October of this year. He didn’t want fancy, he just wanted his own style. He has a very interesting style (it’s one of the things I chuckle about the most). He’s very particular. He is the type to get frustrated over bad hair days and to want a specific hat for a given look. He’s never been one to care about what was “in.” He’s always just wanted to be unique and retro in his own way. So initially he wanted a Chevy truck with four wheel drive and he found exactly that in his 08 Chevy Silverado (He’s a very simple man, I appreciate that).

Well last week, the Silverado’s drivers side door wouldn’t open. We had to crawl in and out of the passenger seat to get to the drivers side for like a week. We’ve been short on money, so Dylan decided he was going to fix the door on his own and not take it to the shop.

I was doubtful, admittedly.

He researched the issue and went to the auto parts store bought a new cable. I was shocked he made that big of a move, but I still wasn’t convinced he was going to pull it off.

That night he stayed up until 1am working on that darned door.

He came in that night discouraged, but not defeated.

The next night he wanted me to go out there with him while he worked on it. I agreed on the grounds that I could just SIT out there and be company; not actually help in any capacity.

I went out and sat in the garage on my laptop for a bit, helped a tiny portion, and returned back inside to the heat.

The next time Dylan came in the house, the door was fixed.

He had no clue what he was doing initially, but he was determined to get the job done! I think that is such an admirable trait.

I love this guy to pieces.

Mental Health Awareness Month

I’ve never talked about mental health on my blog before, but I figured it’s a great topic to talk about, and since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, there’s no better time than now!

When I think about words that describe myself, I first think about words like happy, energetic, motivated, determined, etc. But the truth is, there are more times than I’d like to admit where I feel the exact opposite of those. There are days I want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep the day away. There are days where I feel sad, have no energy, no motivation, and no patience.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. (46.6 million people) experience mental illness in a given year. Also, mood disorders, (including major depression, dysthymic disorder and bipolar disorder) are the third most common cause of hospitalization in the U.S. for both youth and adults 18–44 years old.

So if so many people are affected by a mental illness, why do I feel so alone when we realize that I may be suffering, too?

When I look back on my life, my darkest time was definitely throughout my junior high school years. I remember talking to the school counselor a lot during my 6th, 7th, and 8th grade years. It was the time in my life where I most struggled with the absence of my mom. I think it was when I first started to fully understand what had happened to me and began to realize that my life was much different that those of my classmates. I was angry a lot of the time. I grew up in a family of six siblings, and at this time I remember I would get in trouble a lot for hitting on them. I don’t consider myself a hostile person, but at that time I was looking for an outlet of my emotions that didn’t involve talking about or dealing with the severity of them. I resented my mom and the fact that she chose drugs over my sister and I, but my sister was years younger than I was and couldn’t fully understand what had happened. She was only 3 when DCFS took us from our mom. So I was dealing with all of those demons completely alone- even the person that I went through this with couldn’t help me.

It was my eighth grade year when I hit rock bottom. I had a bedroom in our basement, and my bed was one of those bunk beds that had a desk under it instead of a second mattress. I was sitting at that desk listening to some of Eminem’s darkest songs and thinking about how much I hated what I was going through. I got up and searches the medicine cabinet for any and all pills I could find.

I went back to my desk, laid the pills out, and started writing goodbye letters to my loved ones. Before I got through the last letter, I was bawling and starting to realize that this wasn’t something I could go through with. I imagined what my family would be like as they read these letters, and I realized I loved them WAY too much to put them through something like that.

I went to school the next day. During PE hour, I gave my best friend the letter I had wrote her the night before and explained to her what I was feeling. We cried together in the locker room and she took me to go get help from a teacher.

I’ll never forget that moment.

We grew apart in the following years, but I have treasured that moment of love and understanding for all of these years. She was the one that picked me up without judgement and led me to the help I needed. I love her for that to this very day.

Many years ago!!

There is no shame in getting the help you need. I recently read a post on Facebook that said something along the lines of hoping that one day getting help for mental health would be as normal as going to the doctor for an injury, and that getting released from school for mental health would be as normal as leaving for a tummy ache. What a world that would be. Let’s end the stigma against mental illness and help those suffering get the help they need.

The big 5-0

I have finally hit 50 followers! I just wanted to dedicate this to all of you awesome readers that follow my journey, read my story, and leave your comments.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what I’d be getting into. I’ve always had a passion for writing, and I knew exactly what my platform was going to be. Writing has always been a great outlet for me, and it’s something I love to do!

I started to write a book back when I was in high school, but kind of just let it go to the way side. I’ve decided I wanted to get back into creative writing and work on publishing chapters of a new book! I already published a prologue for it, if you are interested in reading it I have left the link at the bottom of this article. I think it will be a fun journey and a great way to challenge myself while also pursuing a long-standing dream of mine.

Anyway, THANK YOU for your follow, your friendship, and your support! 50 followers may not sound like much, but this blog has turned into way more than I ever could have dreamed!

-Xoxoxo, Chrissy-

❤️

Read Prologue here.

Open Your Eyes

There is so much beauty in the world

You just have to open your eyes to see it

Get off the phone

Go outside

Look around

Admire the way the leaves move in the wind

Watch the squirrels chase one another

Smell the cool, brisk air

Admire Mother Nature in all her glory

There is so much more to life

Than refreshing online feeds

Let’s converse deeply

Let’s seek understanding

Let’s love harder

Let’s open our eyes

Why it’s OKAY to have absolutely no idea what you’re doing while in your 20’s

We’re young!

The average human lifespan is 79 years old. Relatively speaking, when you hit 20, odds are you’re still going to have somewhere around sixty years to play with. Don’t freak out because you don’t know what you want to do, who you want to be with, or how you’re going to get there. It’s eventually going to work itself out and you have plenty of time.

Our likes, dislikes, goals, and personalities change as we go through life.

What you wanted when you were younger may be different than what you want now. When I was in fifth grade, I wanted to be a Park Ranger. When I think back on that now, I chuckle to myself because I absolutely could not see myself being happy doing that now. The experiences we have in the world, people we meet, and challenges we overcome all shape the things we enjoy and how we see the world. There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind as you get more experience in life.

There are SO many choices.

Doctor, mechanic, factory worker, teacher, nurse… The list of careers goes on and on. If you weren’t blessed with knowing exactly what you want to do out of high school, the idea of having to choose something to do for the rest of your life is quite difficult. Some adults will even admit that they don’t know what career they want, even in their mid-forties.

College isn’t for everyone!

Before I graduated, I had the fictitious belief that there were only two choices to choose from after high school: college or work. That’s not true! Maybe a four year college degree isn’t for you, but that is perfectly fine. In fact, there are many good-paying jobs out there for people that don’t get that expensive degree. Don’t feel discouraged for choosing a community college, work, trade school, or certificate program instead of going to a university. The decision is ultimately yours, so don’t force yourself into unhappiness to please someone that isn’t you. Invest in your own happiness; that’s how you achieve lifelong success.