Just a taste

Sometimes I feel like I’m the one that always has her shit together

But sometimes I just wanna lose control

I don’t wanna be responsible

I wanna be wild

I wanna be reckless

I’ve spent my whole life working my ass to prove to everyone that I’m not what I came from

That I’m put together

Accountable

Competent

Rational

But for just once

I’d like to make a little noise

Say what I think

Do what I want

Make messes

Not show up

Just be alone

But what does this say about me?

What does this mean?

I can’t help but wonder what I’ve been missing out on

I hardly learned lessons the hard way when I was young

I’m beginning to think I don’t know myself at all

Who is this woman who yearns for disruption

Yearns the chase

The uncertainty and unpredictability

For she is on the edge of a reckoning

And just wants a taste

Tidal Wave

Life is full of brilliant surprises –

both wonderful and painful;

but it’s really hard to see the bad when things are good,

and even harder to see the good when things are bad

I think that’s why we have such a hard time

feeling truly alive.

One moment

we are on top of the world,

shining,

smiling,

superior.

And then the next we are

stumbling,

curled up,

broken.

Life comes and goes in tidal waves

You gotta just keep riding it out

Because one day,

I promise you

Your soul will awaken with appreciation for life,

You will notice the smile of a stranger;

or the fresh smell of the rain;

or the warm sun on your skin

and you’ll know

you are here for a reason

Kayla

I don’t have closure with the way you left

I probably never will

I thought I’d write a poem in honor of you,

But I’m not sure the words are going to flow

You told me several times that I was a good writer

It empowered me and made me appreciate the craft

Now here I am – writing with a broken heart about something I never saw coming. Something I cannot explain. Something I’ll never understand.

I’m losing my poem format, but my thoughts are jumbled and you taught me that sometimes I need to step outside of my comfort zone

You were my manager

For nearly fours years

I know we don’t always appreciate coworkers

But I can honestly say you had a light in you

That I’ve never seen

Bubbles and sunshine in the form of a human

Many of the thoughts and interpersonal conclusions I came to about myself and then wrote about on this very blog were because you pushed me to ask the deeper questions about why I act the way I do, how I appear to others, and perhaps most importantly how important it is to ask why.

Why did you react the way you did?

What were you feeling? Why did that upset you? What was correct in your reaction, and what do you need to work on next time you encounter the same feelings?

Yes, it often had to do with work

But you shaped it to apply to my life

And I’ll never forget it

Or you

My heart hurts

Every time I’m in the office

Or on a zoom call

I think of you and miss you

It was a simple relationship, but a very impactful one. The thing about loss is, you don’t realize that impact until it’s gone. Our team is slowly moving forward, but many of our hearts are shattered.

We miss you, Kayla

Her shirt 🥲🥺 and beautiful, infectious smile

My heart can’t rest

I just put my three year old to bed. Once I closed her door, I leaned up against the wall and sighed.

I’m disappointed with the lack of patience I had with her tonight.

I could have done better. I raised my voice.

Our son is four months old and just had his first two teeth pop through, so he cried a greater portion of the entire day. And no matter what I tried, nothing really seemed to soothe him.

I’m exhausted. Tonight is one of those nights where I miss life before kids. I know that’s a bold statement, but cmon. Every mom would admit thoughts like those if they were honest enough.

I’m fragile tonight.

Not to mention, I’m trying to mend my broken heart from the tragic and sudden loss of a dear coworker I shared nearly the last four years of my life with. There are no words to describe the pain of losing someone so brilliant and bright and bubbly. The speculation is killing me, as this happened Monday night and we are still waiting for an obituary and services to be announced. This was a very tragic and traumatic situation, so I do ask for all good vibes, prayers, whatever you do – to be sent to their family at this time. Work will never be the same. I’m in shock and disbelief and this whole week just has me feeling broken and damaged. My heart is wrapped in wire.

We’re all just tryin to make it through. This shit is hard, and that’s a fact. We never know the battles, regrets, and demons that people carry with them everyday.

All being said, try your best not to be too hard on yourself.

Rest In Peace, sweet Kayla – Thank you for being someone that pushed me and helped me see deeper into myself. I will take what you taught me and continue to remember the light you lit for our entire team 🕊🤍

The Treasure of Memories

Smartphones have absorbed our entire world. Our society runs through them in a lot of ways. They have single-handedly both destroyed the world we live in while also bringing the world closer than it has ever been before.

But I like to think of my phone as a tool.

Yes, I get on social media and play games and spend way too much time being unproductive on it… but today I’m thankful for my phone’s little tool called the camera.

There is a constant battle in motherhood. Loving your life, just as it is, right where you are at. But also hoping it gets easier, looking forward to tomorrow, and looking for the days when your life is no longer a constant sprint everywhere you go.

But the camera allows us a glimpse back into the moments we treasure. Memories no longer have to live in our minds. They come to life when you watch the video of your daughter’s first steps, or when you watch yourself become a wife. Photos let us step back into a moment and relive the happiness that we felt. All captured from this amazingly smart tool right at the tip of our fingers.

I’m thankful that these moments will be passed down and shared and relived for many years to come.

Life is too short to not enjoy. Turn off the noise, and focus on your happy. Groom your mind for positivity and live in the moment.

Check in on your friends!

We all have an old friend that we think about and say, ‘I should really hit them up sometime” but never do.

Life happens. We get busy. We don’t always prioritize relationships with our friends like we should.

Well, here’s your reminder: Check in on your pals. Even if you don’t know what to say. Even if it’s hard. Tell them you think about them. Tell them you love them.

You never know what someone is going through and life is too short to live quietly.

EOD Thoughts: 01.19.2022

I’ve had to take 6 of the last 8 work days off because of lack of daycare 😩

Needless to say, this much time with my littles has me losing my head…

I love them so (mainly my 3 year old has me losing my temper), but sometimes I just want to escape motherhood. I could really use a break. But babysitter and her family has covid and my backup sitter has covid, so I had no choice but to burn all my sick time and some PTO time up. It sucks, but I guess that’s reality when your workplace offers to relief to parents regarding the society we live in.

I’m so sick of covid. I’m so sick of feeling so alone in parenthood. I’m just so tired of feeling stuck.

This too, shall pass. But ughhhh, I’m hoping sooner rather than later !

Tonight’s Reflection Quote: