Contradictory Cups

Some days I feel like I’m on cloud nine.

All of the scenarios I planned in my head

go through just as they should.

I’m flying through the air,

too high to care about the fall.

Smiling and laughing and playing

and hoping and forgetting and dreaming.

And then I get back home and

I realize that nothing had really changed.

The pain hadn’t gone away,

it had just been masked.

My cup was still so very close

to being empty,

even though it was just so full.

I’m still tired and I’m still angry.

I was happy a moment ago,

but now I’m questioning if

happiness is something I’ve ever really felt;

or rather, something I’ve made up in my head

in order to give myself the strength to keep going.

Was that laugh that overcame me

really as pure as I believed it to be?

Was that tug on my heart

really love pulsing through me?

Or was it just my imagination?

How can I have one cup so FULL,

yet so empty at the same time?

Am I allowed to appreciate the happiness,

even though I have so much indignation inside?

I’m contradicted.

Confused.

Dubious.

How can this be so?

Life is so amazing and bright

and marvelous and alluring,

yet so daunting and fearful

and jealous and painful.

Here I am.

Holding one cup,

yet I can’t decide

if it’s full or empty.

The contradictory cups.

Just another puzzle to solve.

EOD Thoughts: 03.23.2021

When we were kids, my uncle would take all of us out to the garage to watch a big storm roll by. We just so happened to live south of what seemed to always be the path of the storms. So we would get our lawn chairs and flip cell phones out and have a fun night.

Times were so much more simple back then. We would laugh from the adrenaline running through our bodies – being so close to a storm yet so far away, you never know what could happen. We would gather around the weather radio and listen to where the rotation of a tornado was spotted. The garage was facing the right direction to see the storm go by and not have rain blowing in on you. There were no true worries back then. Those were the nights we were the closest. Those were the nights we came together. I wish I could get those childhood memories back. Now we’ve all grown up, split apart, and started our own families.

Tonight my own little fam sat in the garage and listened to the radio forecasts and watched the storm roll in. It was nothing too serious, but it did make me feel happy to share memories like this with the family I made. It connected me to my roots, and I’m thankful.

“I wish somebody would tell you you’re in the good ol’ days before you’ve actually left them.”

The Joy of an Empty Fruit Bowl

A child has the power to make you chuckle even when they aren’t around.

My daughter’s latest scheme to make me giggle throughout the day was to steal all of the fruits from my decor bowl on the table.

I noticed the bowl was empty this morning so I texted Dylan, figuring he had just moved them to keep Della out of them.

But to my surprise, he didn’t know where they were either.

It’s moments like this that remind me how special and ornery and creative and funny my daughter really is.

What a blissful reminder. It made me smile.

So I went to her room figuring that she had the fruits mixed in with the plastic fruits for her play kitchen. I looked in every drawer, the fridge, under her bed, everywhere I could think.

Couldn’t find the fruits for my empty bowl.

This girl is real funny…

Life is full of beautiful and funny moments that remind you how great life can be. Take the time to enjoy them 🤗

Even if your kid steals your decor for fun 🤩

Breathe

In…

Fill your lungs with air to capacity

And exhale

Close your eyes and force the negative energy out

Smile as you feel the weight get loaded off

You’re free

Free of the streas

Relax your jaw and release the furrow in your brow

Those worry lines are starting to become permanent

Life is happening fast

And the lines on your body tell that story

Take one moment to slow down

Release the tension

Morning People

I love mornings. I love hearing the birds wake up and I love the color of light that comes through the windows. It’s soft and comforting.

But I often have a hard time getting out of bed.

For as much as I love the morning time, I sure don’t get up early enough to enjoy it.

2021 Goal: Get up earlier.

How do people do it? Some rise at even 3 and 4am! I did that for a year while in training and it was never something that didn’t bother me. I always would have chosen to sleep in.

Morning people freak me out a bit.

But not even in a bad way.

Like someday I hope to be the morning freak that runs three miles before coffee at 6am, but it’s going to take a lot of effort and dedication to get there. That’s for another time…..

The other day I woke up at 445 and couldn’t fall asleep so I got out of bed around 530 after continuously trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully. I made some coffee and then went to the couch to drink it while watching TV.

It was actually pretty enjoyable. Alone mom time is not something I get often (or ever!). I think that is definitely something I want to start doing more.

We shall see.

I’m a tired soul

Some things aren’t meant to be…

It’s the hardest lesson to learn because it’s always something that you have to learn the hard way.

Maybe it’s just timing.

But maybe it’s just not supposed to happen at all?

You don’t get to know right away.

And in some cases, it may take you your entire life to even realize it…

The brutality of accepting that you can’t have what you want is painful.

It hurts.

But someday…

You’ll accept that your life is happening just as it is supposed to.

There are ups.

And there are downs.

Some things are meant to be.

And some aren’t.

But either way, you can get through it.

“Say Something” by A Great Big World

“Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

And anywhere, I would have followed you
Ooh, ooh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something”

Source: MusixmatchSongwriters: Campbell Mike / Axel Ian / Campbelle MikeSay Something lyrics © Reservoir 416, Ian Axel Music, Chad Vaccarino Publishing, Manhattan Astronaut Music, Songs Of Universal Inc.

A Rock

The wheels turn but I’m not moving

The landscapes are changing around me

But everything is the same

There is pink in the sky this morning

And it looks beautiful, like pink was meant to be in the sky all the time

It’s weird

How the uniqueness in life

Also entertains the feeling of belonging

But not everything is meant to change

Some stones lay perfectly still on the earth

Without ever moving position

I feel like one of those rocks

I’m begging to be skipped on top of the water

But no one picks me up

So here I lie,

Like a rock

Waiting for someone to give me life

Can love?

Can love fill the void created from being abandoned?

Can it wipe away the tears and fill in scars on the heart?

Can it erase the past?

Can it make everything that’s wrong feel right?

Can love make you crazy?

Can it make you feel sane?

Can it ever be for sure?

Can it ever be perfect?

Can love be forever?

Can it ever end?

Can it be your biggest comfort while also being your biggest heartbreak?

Can love bring relief?

Can it fill your soul like music?

Can it anger?

Can it bring peace?

Can it hurt you more than it cures you?

Can love be evil?

Can it crumble you and then put you back together?

Can it be manipulative?

Narcissistic?

Obsessive?

Intrusive?

Degrading?

Can love?