I saw a post on Facebook today that said,
“Grief isn’t just for death.
It’s also for
Friendships that have ended,
Losing your community,
Missing the certainty you once had,
Questioning your judgment,
Releasing who you once were,
Feeling lost and unanchored,
Losing traditions you loved”
How true. Many of these are buried deep inside of me. Many things I grieve for in this life. I think our world should be reminded of this message, as our entire world is so far from how it used to be. It’s okay to feel uneasy in your core. And it’s okay to name that feel as grief, it describes so much more than the loss of someone. Own your feelings and work through them at your own pace.
I get it. I’m only 24. I’m not supposed to have it all planned out. I’m still a work in progress. I’m still trying to figure sh*t out.
But I’m not too young to be determined and know what I want from my job and understand what I deserve from my managers. I’m allowed to be driven and passionate and expect no less from others than what is expected from me.
It’s not taboo for me to be frustrated when I’m let down. It’s okay for me to be emotional when I don’t perform the way I want to. I promise you, you cannot critique me harder than I already critique myself.
I am a hard worker. I am a passionate employee. I care about the work I do and I try to do it the best I can. I already know that I don’t get the salary I’m owed and I know that there are plenty of other aspects of my job that could be improved, but I’m still giving 110% knowing that all of these things aren’t going to be solved over night.
So yes, I’m frustrated. Because I’m over-worked. And under-paid. And on top of the eight hours of stress I endure five days a week, every week, I come home and run a family and look back on a past that was meant to break me. So yes, I lack confidence. And I get defensive. But there is so much more to me than what is perceived as reality at work. I have overcome every obstacle in my life thus far, so I’m sure this is just another thing meant to teach me for the next trial.
But right now I feel beaten down and broken and unheard and disappointed.
I am just two days away from being reunited with my family. It’s so exciting, but it also means that tempers have been building up for the last month and a half. Dylan has been doing practically everything on his own and I’ve been going mad locked up in this hotel and away from my family for the longest period of time I ever have. So naturally, Dyl and I got into a spat tonight.
I ordered him a pair of water shoes for Father’s Day and they arrived today. Dylan got home from work and tried them on and they were like a half size too big. No big deal. So I tell him all he has to do is take them to a UPS store and they will mail them back for free. I obviously wasn’t trying to start a fight or make him upset, but he replied asking me when he had the time to do that. So then we go back and forth with him saying I don’t know what it’s like to be with her all alone and he doesn’t have time to take the shoes back and that I don’t understand all that he has been doing. I’ll give it to him… I don’t understand completely because I’m not there, but I tried explaining to him that all of the errands and tasks that he’s been doing while I’ve been away were all of the things that I was doing while I was home. Let’s just say the conversation ended when I just chose not to respond back to his blunt text message.
I am no good when it comes to arguing. Our argument has been eating me up since it happened and I try to be the bigger person, but I’m never sure if that means that I just don’t reply, or if it means that I should agree with the other person even if I don’t think that they are totally correct. So I toss it back and forth in my head and I try to see both sides of the issue, but trying to do the more “grown up” thing is hard because there is no rule book on how to deal with arguments between you and your SO. So here I am, the girl with the huge heart, kicking myself and worrying all night long about something so minuscule. I don’t ever know if feeling everything so deeply is a blessing or a curse because times like these I wish my heart didn’t physically hurt. I’m the kind of person that hates when people are mad at me. I cannot wait for an apology, even when I deserve one, if I know that someone has foul thoughts towards me. So a lot of the time I play the role of the adult, just so that my heart is at ease.
Oh, how I wish I could be more like those girls on TV… You know, the girls that are so independent and don’t give a damn what someone else thinks… Yeah, that’s not me. At all.
So I’m sure he’s putting Della down to bed right now and when he cools down, he will text me our habitual “Goodnight, I love you” text. But for now, I’m sitting here with an ache in my chest hoping that everything is going to be okay. Counting the minutes until Wednesday arrives…
I am a whirlwind of emotion
I look for signs that don’t exist
And I end up breaking my own heart
And care too much
And spend too much time
Pleasing everyone else but me
Maybe someday I will love myself
As much as I love others
But I like being vulnerable
I like wearing my heart on my sleeve
I like putting everything I have into love
I guess you could say
I deserve the pain
Because I set myself up for it
I know things won’t change
But I can’t bring myself to do
What I know needs to be done
So I continue to wallow
And let the voices inside my head
Drive me insane