EOD Thoughts: 01.19.2022

I’ve had to take 6 of the last 8 work days off because of lack of daycare 😩

Needless to say, this much time with my littles has me losing my head…

I love them so (mainly my 3 year old has me losing my temper), but sometimes I just want to escape motherhood. I could really use a break. But babysitter and her family has covid and my backup sitter has covid, so I had no choice but to burn all my sick time and some PTO time up. It sucks, but I guess that’s reality when your workplace offers to relief to parents regarding the society we live in.

I’m so sick of covid. I’m so sick of feeling so alone in parenthood. I’m just so tired of feeling stuck.

This too, shall pass. But ughhhh, I’m hoping sooner rather than later !

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

The Silence

I’m sitting at my desk with a moment of peace

For how long it lasts, who knows

My infant rests quietly in his swing

His soft, infrequent whimpers remind me he’s still there

My daughter, sprawled out on our bed;

with her beautiful blonde curls surrounding her

She sleeps so sweetly you’d never guess

the power and strength she possesses when she wakes

It’s quiet now;

but it won’t be for long.

It’s funny how much you miss the quiet when they’re awake

and how much you miss the noise once they’re asleep

It doesn’t always take a village…

When raising kids, you often hear the punchline “It takes a village;” referring to the idea of having a community of people around you to help raise your kids.

To me, this idiom always makes me feel empty.

I don’t have a village. I don’t know what that overwhelming comfort of support and reliance feels like.

I don’t have people blowing up my phone asking to take the kids off of my hands. I don’t have a backup babysitter, let alone girlfriends to go out and let loose with.

I don’t have close family to hang out with on Sundays; and I am not best friends with my mom, as a lot of people my age are.

It always makes me wonder where I went wrong, or what I did to deserve to feel this lonesome. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s an unwritten part of motherhood. Either way, it has a way of trapping you and making you feel like you just can’t ever win.

I don’t have a village, but I’m still standing. I’m still doing what I can to get along.

I don’t have a village, but I’m still killin’ this sh*t. I’m here for my children. They are loved. They are provided for.

So no, it doesn’t take a village.

But it sure would be nice to have one.

Another semester in the books

This summer I got the urge to continue pursuing my Bachelors. I’m so very close (2 semesters away) to accomplishing this goal; although much of my relationship with college has been where I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I’ve taken plenty of time away from my schooling simply because I haven’t been certain on what I wanted to do. I wrapped up my prerequisite courses no problem, but since then I hadn’t been sure what I wanted to pursue until this semester.

I got online and looked at all of the online programs that were offered, because I’d done a semester of the Business Management program and found that it most definitely wasn’t exactly what I wanted. That was the Fall of 2019.

I decided to switch over to Public Administration, and now that the semester is over I can say that this certainly is more aligned with who I imagine myself to be in my career. Now exactly what I want to do in Public Administration is still undetermined, but I feel aligned – so that’s something at least. The program is so broad that I’m confident something will come to me once I finish my schooling.

But what makes me most proud about this semester is that I took on this goal knowing the obstacles I’d face. I knew I’d be giving birth to my second child, and yet I did not let that stop me.

I’m also proud of how self aware I was. The last semester I took at UIS was a complete failure. Mind you, I’ve always been a really good student and enjoyed school. So when I had to take a failing grade in a class during my last semester at UIS, I was a bit intimidated on if I could do it. If I couldn’t handle the workload back then, what made me think I could do it while also welcoming a new child? BUT the last semester I took I had a full course load with four classes on top of working full time and being a mother. This time, I knew I’d be setting myself up for failure if I took a full time college schedule on top of working full time, being pregnant, and a toddler at home. There were many days once we returned home from the hospital that I didn’t think I could do it. I was late on a few assignments, but I put the work in. I studied and read tons of material, wrote two term papers and achieved A’s in BOTH courses. I was aware that two classes was achievable, and I accomplished my goal – many times with a newborn baby sleeping on the couch next to me.

A testament to the dedication I have and how much I value being committed to your goals and dreams. It wasn’t much, but I’m super proud and excited for the progress!

Quick update

First things first, we are all well. I’m so very thankful for that.

I started back to work this week, so life is a bit more hectic on work days. My company has a “gradual return” policy, so I’m actually only working 2 days this week, 3 days next week, and then 3 days the week of Christmas. After that, it’s back to normal- as far as work goes… Very lucky to have this available to me because returning to work six weeks after having a child is low-key MOM ABUSE.

Squishy 💋

I’d say we are all adapting well to being a family of four. Della is obsessed with baby brother and Dylan is such a good dad.

All 4 of us at a winter festival – Peep lil Leon in the front 🥰

But with all that is good, it’s also so very stressful. As much as I love this life I’m so blessed with, I also struggle with an immense yearning for a life outside of motherhood. I wish I had more family that offered to help or just take the kids for a day. I will admit I’m very jealous of other moms that have support from their family. Not to say we don’t at times, but not nearly what I’d always expected or hoped for before I had kids…

Christmas is around the corner, so that’s always something to look forward to. This time of the year truly is the best and being a mom and bringing the light and joy of Christmas to my family is so very special to me. I’m planning to have a family Christmas photo shoot here soon- I will post when I get around to doing that 🤪

Until next time, stay safe & happy holidays!!

DIY Newborn Photo Sesh

It’s broke girl season. Since I’m on maternity leave, my paycheck is only 60% of my normal wage- of course they’re still taking the full amount of taxes & deductions out 😅 Plus, Christmas is right around the corner so I’m trying to budget the best I can. Not to mention, I hit a deer on my birthday and I still have to pay the $500 deductible before I can get my car fixed.

With the holidays coming up, I’m also trying to figure out which Christmas presents I can make homemade.

Leon turned three weeks old yesterday, and I didn’t have the money to hire a professional photographer to take his photos… so I did them myself! I bought the hat and suspenders set on Amazon for like $15 and I already had the wicker basket. Add in a house built in the 1890s with beautiful natural woodwork, and you’ve got a perfect backdrop.

Here’s a preview of my work:

This is hard

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning

It’s 9pm and my daily to do list still has five things left on it…

Oh shit, the baby is waking up. Better make a bottle of formula since I suck and forgot to pump

It’s takes so long to sit down and put him to the breast

I wanted my breastfeeding journey to be much longer but I’m afraid it’s dwindling down

I’m trying my best but I’m in my head

I still have to do my college homework

What am I doing?

I take on all of these things and I have no one to take the kids to when I need some time away

I’m stuck here

In this world of everlasting responsibility

And there’s no clocking out

I’m tired. So so tired

But I’ll continue to rise