EOD Thoughts: 01.06.2021

I live in a really small town, like the population is under 50. I pay $110 for crappy wifi currently because there was no other option, but a new company with fiber optics has come to town to install better wifi. I got a flyer on my porch and instantly hopped ON IT

I emailed the guy whose name was on the flyer and he replied saying he would make a trip out to our town to get me signed up and ready to go once the installation in town was finished.

Usually I’m nervous in these situations because I feel like I’m totally socially awkward, but this guy (his name was Brad) was SO NICE – like above and beyond nice.

Dylan and I once went to a concert and when we got back to the hotel room afterwards, we decided to order pizza (doesn’t everyone?). I was online and the pizza place was offering a deal IF you ordered online. Of course with my luck, the online ordering wasn’t working so I called the store to see if they’d still honor the online price (I still very much wanted the pizza). They did honor the price and the guy I spoke to on the phone was really polite. I asked his name and went on their website again to tell their corporate office that they had a very respectful employee.

I think it’s SO important to acknowledge and show appreciation for people who excel in customer service. It’s just one of those jobs that isn’t always easy. I have a lot of respect for anyone who has to deal with other humans all day long 🤨

That’s the same reason I always try to make eye contact and smile at whoever is working the fast food drive up window.

We all know how exhausting work is and how we often feel like we don’t get any appreciation. It’s nice to be complimented and I think it means even more when a STRANGER goes out of their way to recognize your efforts.

So Brad… if you’re reading this, I sent your corporate office a message about how amazing your customer service was. I hope they relay the message back to you and it makes you smile 😊

…………………..

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

30 Miles

Tonight I want to get vulnerable with myself. I want to examine reality and determine what parts of it aren’t real. 

And since it’s part of my story, I think it’s important to share it all with you. I consider myself a writer. It’s something that I feel proud of myself as. But I’m not just a writer. I am a sharer. I am a personal, stretch-the-limits kind of writer. I share the deepest, scariest, and most exposing feelings of my life and I think it’s why I always receive messages from people saying that my story helped them, or inspired them, or intrigued them. 

So I won’t stop. 

I can’t stop.

I have a story to tell and it’s important for me to share so that people like me know they aren’t alone. 

Growing up, I lived about 30 miles from my mom. Just a short 25 minute cruise away. It wasn’t necessarily hard for me to search for her if I wanted to, and I think that made our separation feel deceiving. We weren’t really that far away from one another, yet we were living in completely different worlds.

In high school and even a short time in college, success was hard for me to feel appreciation for. I’d hit one milestone, feel the warmth of victory, but then put my nose right back down and focus on what was coming next. What was the next life trophy I can knock off the list? 

The thing that made success the hardest for me was that every time I hit a moment of pride, I knew my name would be in the paper, or on the news, or on the radio. 

And my mom was only 30 miles away.

Surely, she saw what I did? 

Surely, she is proud of me?

With these wonderings, I quietly held onto the hope that only being 30 miles away gives you… 

She probably knows where I’m playing basketball this week because she watched the news last night.

She might be at the next game. 

Maybe.

OR

She probably read my name in the newspaper for my good grades last week.

I bet she was proud when she saw my name.

30 miles. I mean, how is that all that separates my mom and me?

30 measly miles?

It was enraging and sanity-deteriorating because I drove myself crazy looking for her every time I left my house. I’d walk into Wal-Mart and stare at the backs of any blonde-haired woman, daring it to be her when she turned around. I’d run across the river for gas and look at every pump. 

I scanned the bleachers of every game of every sport I ever played. 

Because she was only 30 miles away.

It was damaging in so many ways because I didn’t know how to release the pressure that built up in me and I didn’t know how to live a life where I felt like I always had to search for her. But then I got old enough to roam the world when and how I wanted to, and suddenly the clouds parted, and I was no longer searching. 

I was suddenly only 30 miles away if I wanted to be.

And that had nothing to do with where I lived.

I accepted what was and quit being infatuated with any short, blonde woman that had her back to me. I knew that if I ever did find myself in a room with her, I was finally in a place to remain in control of my emotions. And that was something I never felt throughout all my high school years.

30 miles apart and I had no idea if she was following my growth or completely oblivious to the person I had become. Earlier, I stated that success was hard to appreciate, but it was still something that I was dedicated to and worked very hard at. 

I wanted her to feel bad about missing out on supporting me while I followed my dreams.

I didn’t want to give her the easy way back in because I was doing just fine without her. 

I became educated.

I got stronger.

I chose to serve my country. 

I grew independent and caring and gentle.

I rose above every situation that was designed to set me back.

I made it to the other side.

All while missing my mom

From 30 miles away

I’m not always the best mom

I’m not always the best mom

Sometimes I raise my voice

Sometimes I just want to be left alone

Sometimes at 3am I mutter that I’m tired of being a mom

Sometimes I don’t pay enough attention

Sometimes I would rather go to a restaurant and not have to deal with a child that can’t still quiet and still for an hour

Sometimes I just want to sleep in

Sometimes I feel like there are others doing far better than me

But I’m trying

I’m human

I thank God every night that I’ve got a healthy, beautiful child that lights up my life

But it’s not always easy

Sometimes I’m easy to get hot headed

And sometimes I say things I don’t mean

But I hope she knows that she is absolutely the best thing about my life

I’m learning and I’m growing

I’m not always the best, but I do try my hardest to help you learn how to navigate this world that is full of emotion, heartbreak, lessons to be learned, and constant change

Summer popsicles ☀️

Through My Eyes

You don’t see the way your face lights up with pride

When you’re following your dreams

You don’t see the way your lips draw a smile

When you’re looking into the heart of someone you love

You can’t hear the beauty within your bellowing laugh

When something tickles you so much that tears fill your eyes

You don’t notice the way your muscles are defined

When you wrap your arms around someone you love

You can’t feel the heat on my face

When I look at you and fall deeper in love

You don’t feel the way my heart patters in my chest

When you pull me closer

You can’t see the charm in your face

When a smile cracks on your tired face

You don’t see all of the worth that you contain

But when I look at you, I do

I see the beauty

I see the passion

I see the love

I see your smile

And sometimes I wish

You could see all that you are

Through my eyes

A Friendly Reminder

Here’s a little reminder to end your week on:

You are fucking awesome.

There is no one else out there like you. Your thoughts, movements, attitude, passions, and interests are exclusive to only you.

Everyone might not love you, but the right people do. Do not overlook those that struggle to express it to you. Sometimes showing compassion is harder than expected.

Never stop searching for your individual purpose. Life changes constantly, so it’s okay if you change along with it.

Loneliness does not last forever.

Use your desire as fuel to accomplish your goals.

Be kind to everyone.

Beauty is more than a skinny waist or perfect hair.

You have survived 100% of your worst days.

I’m at drill soakin up the rest of my weekend. I know I haven’t kept up-to-date on here, but I always want to do better! Stay safe out there friends! Always feel free to drop me some love 👇🏻💋💞

The Power of 1 Year

One year passes fast.

One year with a child? Way faster.

We never know what to expect when we start the journey of motherhood. For me, it felt like I’d never be ready to take on the responsibility of caring for another life besides my own.

The unknown is scary, but to me, the fear of failing was much greater.

I had nieces and nephews and had seen the graceful care that my sisters had given their children. I knew that changing diapers would get old really quick and I knew that formula was expensive. I knew that skin to skin contact was helpful in comforting a newborn and I knew that being a mom would be really hard, but rewarding nonetheless.

But I still didn’t know if I would be cut out for the job.

I’ve always struggled when it comes to showing others the softer, more gentle side of my personality. I’m sarcastic and rough around the edges. I grew up with a lot of anger and resentment towards my own mother that I wondered if I could ever be the mother that I wished I would have had when I was young. I teeter tottered with anxiety and fear the entire nine months that I was pregnant.

But now I have made it ONE ENTIRE YEAR as a mom, and there is just something about that milestone that pushed me to write this post.

One year ago I was sitting in a hospital with a six inch incision in my abdomen, holding a life that I had just brought into this big, scary world. My pain meds had me in and out of consciousness, but I was trying my best to stay awake to stare at this precious child that was just inside of my body just a few short hours prior.

I looked at her cheeks and grasped her little fingers and wondered why I ever worried about becoming a mom in the first place.

We were in the hospital for five days, and then we took our little Della Rae home.

I sit here now thinking about the person I was one year ago compared to the person that I am now.

Strength and confidence now fill the spaces that were once laden with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Others will swear by your beauty, but until you see your smile resembled from the lips of your child, you may never believe that you were ever beautiful at all. I promise you, it was always there. And your child will convince you of it every day.

I now know that my heart knows no bounds. Every time I look at her I feel as if there is no possible way I could love her any more than I do in that moment, and then the next day comes and I’m surprising myself with even more love and joy in my heart that I am afraid it may just explode right out of my chest.

I went to work two months after I had her. I’ve learned a different meaning of working for everything you want. I’m a provider. I’m a learner.

And I’m still just trying to find the right balance.

Motherhood is hard, but in ONE YEAR I’ve become a woman that FEELS powerful, strong, and worthy. I FEEL proud, gentle, and fierce when needed. I feel an immense amount of love, support, and gratitude.

The power that one year can have is something you won’t understand until the year has passed and all you have are the memories of who your baby once was.

Alexander’s Alaska

My name is Alexander. I don’t go by Alex because it doubles as a female’s name and that bothers me.

I am 24 years old, but I feel a lot older. I’ve been alone for a long while and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

I got out of high school and didn’t know where my place in society was. I didn’t belong anywhere within the traditional realm of life. I didn’t want to join the military because I didn’t care to fight in the name of a government. I didn’t go to college because I didn’t know what to pursue and the price of school is way more than what a degree is actually worth. I didn’t want get a job because I thought that there is more to life than slaving at a nine-to-five job just to barely pay the bills. 

So I left.

I went off the grid.

I gathered every penny I had saved, bought a plane ticket, and moved to Alaska. I bought ten acres of land south of the Yukon River and started a new life. When I first got there, all I did was cut down trees. I cut for days. I had a tarp tied to a tree that I slept under, and when the sun rose in the mornings I had already been up for a few hours. I got to Alaska in late July, so it was still in the mid-70s during the day time.

I had a small cottage built by the time the temperatures got too low to sleep under my tarp. It took a lot of work and was lonesome to do solo, but it is something that I still feel immense pride in accomplishing. 

I’ve been here just over a year, and I’ve basically got life in the wilderness put on a daily schedule. The routine is monotonous, but there are always things that must be done.

Now I sit here with this pen in my hand knowing that no one will ever read my writing. It takes a great deal of effort to swallow the loneliness that I feel on my worst days, but most of the time I interact with Mother Nature and spend time appreciating our great earth.

I wish I had someone to share this land with. Someone to talk to. Someone to feel something for. Instead of wallowing in my own stubbornness and insecurity, I cut trees, hunt, and fetch water so that I don’t have to acknowledge just how lonely I am. My soul isn’t fulfilled and it makes me wonder if I messed up somewhere down the road. I never imagined I’d yearn for a life partner, but the singing birds and crunching leaves under my feet no longer sound as comforting as they once did.

The Label I Carry

The whole reason I decided to start therapy was because a coworker told me she was going to start going again. She gave me the name of her therapist and told me to go to her website and check her out. So I did. I immediately requested more info and before the day was over, I was set up for an appointment.

When I was talking about what I wanted out of therapy, I explained to my coworker that I wanted to find out who I was aside from being a MOM. As mothers, we lean so heavily on our label as “mom” and base a lot of our vision of our success on how well we feel like we are providing for our children.

Let me tell you why I think that SUCKS.

In today’s world, it is DAMN HARD to feel an absence of insecurity in what we are doing for our kids. There are so many conflicting ideologies on “what is best” for a child. When we feel the amount of success that we have accomplished is based upon whether or not people agree with our parenting choices, it’s sooo easy to feel like we haven’t accomplished much. As mothers, we can’t please everyone, but you can bet your bottom dollar that we sure do try. 

We are proud to be moms. We love our babies more than anything – it’s why we bend over backwards and dedicate our lives to making sure our children have everything. But that same dedication to our kids can result in a lack of dedication to ourselves. I struggle with this on a daily basis. My entire day is almost solely devoted to providing for my child; so much that I feel like there just isn’t enough hours in the day to focus on myself. I know it feels that way for a lot of moms too, so I think it is important that we are making not only our children and their health a priority, but also our mental and physical health a priority too. You can’t possibly be a good mom if you aren’t feeding your own flame every once in awhile. I think the issue here is that it’s so easy to fall complacent with only being a mom. And for some, that is all they want to be! Which is also totally fine!

But I want to be so much MORE. I want to be someone that is so much more than a mom. I want to love myself aside from the role my child plays in my life (Even though that role is huge!)

I want to indulge in all of life – not just the parts where I am providing for someone else. I want to provide for me, too.  

Finding Myself

I start therapy on Friday. I’m very excited, actually. I feel like the stigma against mental health is kind of diminishing and more and more people are trying their hand at therapy. In all reality, everyone just wants to feel better. I’ve always wanted to talk to someone about all of the feelings I have, but I’ve never been so lost that I felt that there was no other option.

That is how I feel now.

I am on an unexpected, anxiety-ridden rollercoaster of emotions right now. I have hit rock bottom and I scheduled the appointment without even hesitating. I need this.  

Yes, I am a daughter and a friend and a mother and a partner… but who am I when it’s not based upon a relationship with someone else?

Who am I?

I want to strip down and view myself in a completely vulnerable and open way. I want to look at why I do the things that I do. I want to find the meaning of all the pent-up emotions that never address. Why haven’t I addressed them? Am I a complete narcissist and have no clue? What can I do to make sure that I am focusing some of my energy on ME? What in my life has happened that has changed the way I form relationships with others? What can I do to improve the way I carry myself around those that love me? 

There is so much that I want answers on.

So much to discover.

So much to solve.

I am so ready.