For Years to Come

There is no handbook on how to deal with heartache

There is no medicine to cure the pain

How can the one you love most use words that pierce your heart like a knife to bare skin?

It’s not the first time

And won’t be the last –

Your words have such impact on someone who reads into every clue from your brow

I study you

My absolute favorite person

The one I know most about

The one I revolve my life around

Why do I feel I’m more in love with you than I feel like you’re in love with me?

You hide your true emotion behind words that sting like a hornet

Its harsh pain will eventually dissipate

But you’ll remember how badly it hurt in that moment for years to come

EOD Thoughts: 09.14.2021

New phone finally!

You don’t realize how hard your life is without a smart phone until you gotta try to get by without one.

How scary it is to even get on the road knowing you don’t have a way to make an emergency call if needed.

Couldn’t access all of my work websites because I wasn’t able to two-factor authenticate my apps via text messaging codes.

I’m hopelessly phone-reliant

Even though I don’t wanna be

EOD Thoughts: 08.23.2021

Looks like I’m going to have to take a day off tomorrow.

Babysitter canceled for tomorrow at 9pm tonight. What can I do at 9pm?

Asked my back up, She couldn’t either. Was surprised she was still awake.

This is a prime example of how much it suckshaving no family to call.

I’m gonna have to burn PTO because I don’t have daycare. And I have no one to call.

Odd woman out

66 days until I anticipate we will be bringing another human into this world.

Just 66 short days.

And I haven’t even started the nursery or bought much of anything.

I feel so alone in this pregnancy. Like I have to pretend to be something I’m not. Of course this is an “exciting time” and no doubt I’ll love the lil guy… But I have been so damn miserable it’s hard to even force a smile. I’m supposed to sit up straight and put on my big girl pants and fake smile and act like I’m a proud, glowing woman flourishing in pregnancy.

But I’m not.

I am in the third and final trimester of this pregnancy and I am still throwing up almost every single morning. Last week I was puking so hard that I popped a blood vessel in my eye. I could feel the veins in my face bulge as I hugged the toilet.

I fell in the rain a few months ago and definitely did something to my hip/back. I’m sure I just need to go to the chiropractor, but I’ve always been nervous about chiropractors (especially while eight months pregnant). Doc prescribed some muscle relaxers that don’t do much but make me sleepy, so sometimes I’m limping through the house barely able to move. Putting on clothes is a pain that I don’t even want to talk about. The amount of pain that I’m constantly in is taking every bit of happiness I have anymore. It just sucks it all out.

I’m looking at my ankles now and I can’t even tell where the ankle ends and foot beings. Swelling is taking over all of me.

So yeah.

It’s hard for me to pretend that I’m so pleased to be doing this amazing thing (don’t get me wrong, pregnancy is beautiful and life is an fascinating cycle), but I am so sick and so tired and in so much pain that I don’t have any fight left in me. I don’t have the energy to put on a fake smile. If you ask me how I’m doing, don’t get disappointed when I don’t glow and tell you all of these amaaaazing things – because it’s just not going to happen. I’m going to look at you point blank and tell you that I am not doing well and I feel like sh*t.

Period.

I am alone in feeling this way. I am trapped in this body of pain and un-comfortability. I am alone in my head trying to talk myself into pulling my leg into my pants saying, ‘it doesn’t hurt that bad.‘ But it does.

Everyone out there sees a pregnant woman and assumes the best and absolute happiness. But on the inside, I feel like a failure because I can’t resonate with that mom. I’m not the mom that loves pregnancy. It feels sad admitting that to people. I feel like the odd (wo)man out.

I love my children, but pregnancy is for the birds.

It’s OK to evolve

I spend too much time on Facebook. But I also use social media apps to come up with new content to write about. I use a lot of quotes and read a lot of stories online that help me ground my beliefs into something that I can share in a progressive way.

This morning I was scrolling Facebook when I saw a photo that really hit me. It opened my eyes, if you will, to how much my life has turned out to be different than I ever had planned. I realized that what I once thought success looked like, isn’t what I would consider it to be now. My interests have changed, I’ve ended and created new relationships, and I’ve tested my own beliefs. I’ve overcome pain, welcomed new joy, and sought out different forms of happiness. Things I used to think I wanted are no longer even in the fore front of my life. I’ve evolved. Changed. Learned.

And it’s totally okay.

It’s okay to not stick to a plan. It’s okay to feel like you’re letting yourself down, because someday you may just find out that the old disappointment you felt was only a stepping stone to something that is much more fulfilling.

Life will work out exactly as it’s supposed to. Focus on being the happiest version of yourself and you’ll never have to worry about if you chose the right path. Life is about so much more than wealth. It’s about relationships and memories and happiness and so much more. It’s important to lead a life that you will be proud of. Even if your views change along the way.

EOD Thoughts: 03.23.2021

When we were kids, my uncle would take all of us out to the garage to watch a big storm roll by. We just so happened to live south of what seemed to always be the path of the storms. So we would get our lawn chairs and flip cell phones out and have a fun night.

Times were so much more simple back then. We would laugh from the adrenaline running through our bodies – being so close to a storm yet so far away, you never know what could happen. We would gather around the weather radio and listen to where the rotation of a tornado was spotted. The garage was facing the right direction to see the storm go by and not have rain blowing in on you. There were no true worries back then. Those were the nights we were the closest. Those were the nights we came together. I wish I could get those childhood memories back. Now we’ve all grown up, split apart, and started our own families.

Tonight my own little fam sat in the garage and listened to the radio forecasts and watched the storm roll in. It was nothing too serious, but it did make me feel happy to share memories like this with the family I made. It connected me to my roots, and I’m thankful.

“I wish somebody would tell you you’re in the good ol’ days before you’ve actually left them.”

The Independence Curve

My daughter is getting so intelligent that it’s beginning to pain me. She is no longer the small infant that we goo’ed over not so long ago. I remember when we first brought her home, I would put her swing right next to the couch and just watch her sleep all day long. I held those little fingers and toes in my hands and marveled over the idea that my body made hers.

“Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Yeah, right. Have you seen this perfect babe? And your advice is quite literally the advice that all parents get and CHOOSE to ignore.

I now enjoy the old pictures of how small and fragile she used to be, because it reminds me of how strong, capable, and smart she has become. We have so many wishes for our children, but they always somehow turn out better than we could have ever imagined. Where my daughter once cried for the things she needed, she is now belting out requests with confidence. Her vocabulary has expanded and I’m often wondering, ‘How did she learn that word? I didn’t teach her that word!’ It’s hard to grasp that she is learning from the world around her, and the world around her isn’t always with me.

Another thing about this time period, is that she is becoming less of something we own or have responsibility of, and more of her own little human with her own little human beliefs, wants, and interests. When you first have a baby, it feels almost like an object you own. You feed it and bathe it and take it with you wherever you go. It doesn’t do much, doesn’t say much. But then… Before your eyes, this little gift you lugged around with you is no longer helpless. It’s getting bigger and smarter and needing you less.

I have talked to my fiancée about this, because it’s probably one of the coolest things to witness firsthand. One day you are meeting them for the first time, and the next day you realize that they have developed favorite TV shows and favorite foods, they’ve met and loved people that you don’t know as well they do, and they even know what they do and don’t want to do! The amount of things that they are doing and feeling and learning that don’t rely on you teaching them is getting smaller and smaller. It’s scary and beautiful and amazing.

I’m on a learning curve. I am aware that her independence is going to make some things harder for me. I have learned that if she won’t put on her shoes when I ask, that all I need to do is grab another pair of shoes and let her choose which ones she wants to wear. All of a sudden, the decision to put on her shoes was completely her idea and I get to play along with my own wisdom. I did this with a shirt the other day too, and it worked. I’m learning – it may take awhile before I learn all of the cheats, but hey! Progress is progress, right?

EOD Thoughts: 02.09.2021

Motherhood tested me tonight.

I had really an overall okay day at work. The day seemed to go by fast, but I was in meetings from 10am to 1230, so days always seem to fly when I have a lot of meetings.

Everyday I get off of work and go pick up my daughter from daycare. This morning was rough when I dropped her off because she just screamed MOMMMYY when I tried to walk out the door. I hate mornings like that because I feel so guilty leaving her behind when she’s screaming for me, but sometimes that’s just what you’ve go to do.

When I picked her up today, her babysitter said she had been in and out of timeout all day because she was hitting and pushing down some of the other kids.

My daughter is definitely an alpha female. I can already tell she is a leader instead of a follower, but I’m beginning to wonder how in the world we are going to teach her the limit not to cross with her personality type.

Tonight putting her to bed was awful. She did not want to lay down so we had to just leave the room and let her soothe herself. It took her probably less than five minutes to quiet down, but the guilt of leaving her to cry always eats at me.

Parenting is hard. And the fact that it’s never going to get easier is exhausting to think about.

Regardless, I’m soaking in every moment we have together now- even if she almost pushes me to my breaking point sometimes. She makes my life better even on her worst days and I wouldn’t trade it for a second.

………………………

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: 02.05.2021

I am glad another week has come and gone. Hello, weekend.

Not that I have any plans, but it’s nice to not have to work and spend time with family.

Friends are few and far between when you’re a young mom.

I’m going to be 25 this year, so I’m not really all that young to be a mom, but it still shocks me how immature a lot of people my age are. But then again, I matured at a really young age.

I’m hoping with time, the people that are meant to stay in my life pop up. Because I’m tired of feeling like I have no friends that understand and accept the mom life. I can’t party every weekend and I don’t want to do that anymore.

I need some girlfriends that just wanna lay in bed with a bottle of wine and complain about how exhausting our kids are.

Because goodness, they are exhausting.

Tax season

It’s among us.

I’m frantically gathering all of these forms from all of these different websites and I think I may just lose my mind over it all.

But I’m really trying to get my sh*t together with my finances as a whole. I just this week decided to download all of the apps I should have had this entire time. They include Car Insurance app, Wells Fargo investments app, Credit Karma for credit scores, TurboTax, an app to track my medical visits at the hospital, CashApp, and PayPal.

Being an adult is hard.

I also just learned how my Health Savings Account works.

Insurance is not my strong suit. But hey! They don’t teach you this sh*t in high school!

Taxes get significantly harder when you have a dependent, student loans, medical bills, health insurance, and retirement plans.

I’ll be okay. I’m a fast learner and this is going to be my 5th year filing my taxes myself 🤞🏼