Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I wonder where you are

You hurt me bad and it’s left a scar

 

I don’t think you care and that’s okay

If there is a will, there is a way

 

I lock my heart in hopes of relief

But there is no escape for all this grief

 

I hate who you are and what you’ve done

This weight I bear feels like a ton

 

So many times that you have missed

I don’t know why I still get pissed

 

You weren’t there then and you’re not here now

You’ve broken every single vow

 

I remember the nights of fallen tears

For wanting all those broken years

 

I wish I could say it was long ago

I’m working on me and trying to grow

 

But I can’t shake this anger deep inside

“I love you, Chrissy Marie,” you lied

 

I should be big enough to move on

But my patience has been overdrawn

 

Someday I will tell her what you did

But I’ll be careful because she’s my kid

 

I won’t do to her what you did to me

Forever my baby she will be

 

I’ll hold her and raise her and never let go

And my love for her she’ll always know

Let Yourself Love

Love is weird.

Whether we want to believe it or not, love can make us give up bits and pieces of who we are and give them to the person whom we love.

Sometimes that’s a good thing, and sometimes it’s not.

You see, I’m the type of person to completely give myself away to the person that has captured my heart. A guaranteed ten times out of ten, I will put my lover’s needs, interests, and wants ahead of my own. That may be my biggest character flaw. I am so willing to go above and beyond for someone as an attempt to show them that I care. However, not everyone gives themselves away so freely. Others are much more rough, like rocks hanging onto a cliff as the wind blows against them. The wind can blow and blow, and some of those rocks will never release themselves to the ground below.

Sometimes the “ground” is scary. We don’t know what is going to happen once we let ourselves go. How far is the drop? How bad will it hurt?

I’ve always been quick to let myself fall. I see love as something you make; something you work at rather than coast through. When you coast, sometimes you forget the things that are really important and disregard how your actions are affecting those around you. I don’t believe love stays once you’re in it. I think it takes continuous reflection and change.  I don’t think once you fall in love that you will always be in love, unless you are willing to give bits and pieces of yourself away.

I know it sounds scary, but I see it differently.

Of course, trusting someone with the depths of your heart is frightening.

However, I have had the love that has shown me that it is not always that way.

I have had the love that makes me yearn for morning light so that he will awaken and we can start a new adventure. I have had the love where he knows the instant something is going to break my heart. I have had the love that not only fulfills me, but also betters me. I have had the love that makes complete silence not so lonely.

None of that amazing, lightning-fueled love would be possible without giving parts of myself away.

I’m not saying giving yourself away is all roses and butterflies, either.

I have had the love that makes me want to bury my face into a pillow and scream for hours straight. I have had the love that makes me lose all motivation to do anything with anyone. I have also had the love that leaves a horrible pain in my chest; so bad I can barely breathe.

None of that hurt makes me believe it all wasn’t worth it.

Yes, it’s hard to love. It’s hard to trust. It’s hard to rely on the hope that love will never end.

Sometimes love does end…

But if you love hard enough, sometimes it’s all worth it. 

I think back on some of my happiest days. I see tents and bonfires and football games and roadtrips and lakes and sunsets. The list goes on and on…

I have had some incredible memories due to the fact that I jumped on the horse and let myself love HARD. I’m not saying that everyone deserves a chance at your heart. All I’m saying is that you deserve, YOU DESERVE, a chance to find crazy, beautiful love. Don’t let the idea of giving yourself to the wrong person take that chance away from you.

You deserve love where your partner completes you. I can think of so many instances where he was just better than me. I could be doing something as simple as cleaning out the fridge. He would come in and ask to do it instead, leaving me to wonder what I could have possibly been doing wrong while rearranging the fridge. And sure enough, there he was doing it just… better. For everything I couldn’t do, he was just better. And that completed me!

It’s strange that I think of rearranging a fridge as a monument of great love, but I do. Because even simple things like that bring a smile to my face as I reflect on the incredible love that I have experienced. I hope you are willing to give yourself away to someone that is better at rearranging the fridge than you are. Because you deserve the love that makes you appreciate a simple life 😊

Drowning

I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this.

I go through the motions like I’m your slave.

So much is on my shoulders and

I think I’m drowning.

I can’t keep you happy and you don’t care if I am.

A misplaced shirt becomes an argument.

A rise in my voice becomes a battle.

A longing kiss becomes a plead.

I’m frustrated-

But I feel like it’s more.

Still, I say nothing.

Every responsibility that comes with a child has been placed on me

Every bill.

Every chore.

Every appointment.

I’m so tired, but I keep going for the sake of my beautiful girl.

I’m beginning to realize I can do this on my own.

I just hope you wake up before I have to choose to.

Open Your Eyes

There is so much beauty in the world

You just have to open your eyes to see it

Get off the phone

Go outside

Look around

Admire the way the leaves move in the wind

Watch the squirrels chase one another

Smell the cool, brisk air

Admire Mother Nature in all her glory

There is so much more to life

Than refreshing online feeds

Let’s converse deeply

Let’s seek understanding

Let’s love harder

Let’s open our eyes

She Was Supposed to be Their Grandma…

When I was younger, I imagined my life much differently. And I’m not saying my life is bad now, it’s just… harder. 

No matter how many times adults tell you to appreciate being young and that “adulting” is hard, you’re still not quite ready for the reality of life once you’re out on your own.

There’s one thing that I specifically remember thinking about when I was younger. My future family. Young girls love playing house with make-believe husbands and children, and most toddlers can be seen holding a baby doll around the house. I was no different. I imagined having a family surrounding me and my kids.

But now that I am actually starting a family, things are just a bit different than I imagined…

First things first, as a child you never really know how expensive it is for your parents to take care of you. I’m a lot more poor than I thought I would be when the time to start a family came. Now here I am wondering how the hell anyone can afford children!!

Second, I feel a lot more alone than I thought I would.

Growing up I always dreamed about the day I could surprise my parents with the news of them becoming grandparents. Becoming a grandparent is exciting to parents!

But with the history of my mom and I’s relationship, the story is a little different. I told her and she was excited… cool. But she failed to mention that she got caught with meth again and is now facing 20 years. There goes any hopes of her meeting or getting to know my children. I thought the news of her future grandchildren would be enough to keep her motivated to stay off the drugs and out of the streets.

I guess I thought wrong.

There’s been no one out there that’s given her more chances or believed she would change than me. Now my time has been wasted and my dreams crushed.

In the light of so much excitement, there is so much heartbreak.

She was supposed to be their Grandma…

 

 

 

Thoughts of a Lost Girl

My, oh my. I have so much running through my head every single day. That’s not so different than everyone in the world, I’m sure. We all have wandering minds, it’s human nature. What’s different about me is that I can’t get it to stop. I lay in bed every night worrying about so many things that I just end up staring into the dark abyss for hours before finally drifting into unconsciousness.

I wish it would stop. I’m tired of feeling like I have no confidence in who I am as a person, what I look like on the outside, and what others perceive me as.

To be honest, I don’t tell anyone about what I’m feeling. I spend a good majority of everyday alone, and I don’t know if that is a part of the problem or something that makes me feel better about my insecurities. I have a hard time being alone. I like the quiet atmosphere, but most times I just end up overthinking about all that’s going on.

My relationship is in a rough patch. He wants to move out of our home to live by himself. Where will I go? What does this mean?

I graduate from community college in May, and I still haven’t decided what degree path I want to pursue. Do I continue school or find work until I figure it out?

This is only a brief description of what I’m going through. I want to say more, but I cannot figure out the words to write. I’m completely and utterly lost in my own life right now.

I hope all of this cools down and I can figure things out.

xoxo *fingers crossed*

-Chrissy