EOD Thoughts: 11.03.2020

I don’t have a whole lot to cap on tonight.

Work was uneventful, like most days.

I did go and cast my vote today. My anxiety is high waiting for today to be over. I’m sure we won’t know the real election results for a few days, which means the country’s tension is here to stay for a bit longer.

I hope I have more to add tomorrow, but today I just feel beat.

………………………….

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

Overthinking

I’m an overthinker.

I can be sitting in a room full of friends and still wonder if I’m alone.

I can be held in the arms of a lover and still wonder if I’m loved.

I can be offering advice to someone in need and still wonder if I’m a good person.

I’m a person that yearns for reassurance.

I like hearing ‘I love you’ and I love being invited to do things.

Maybe I’m greedy but I don’t feel like I hear those things enough.

Am I still overthinking?

Maybe I am.

All I know is that I feel so alone and so unloved and so unwanted sometimes that I think my head is going to explode.

How do I stop thinking that the world is out to get me?

Why do I set myself up to feel a heartbreak that isn’t really there?

Overthinking is my character flaw.

Amidst all of it, I know in my heart that I’m a good person and that I’m loved and wanted,

But when is the voice in my head going to stop telling myself otherwise?

Day On, Day Off

We are currently working one day on and one day off at the Coronavirus testing site. That may change in the coming days as we are opening a new site tomorrow.

So today is my day off and on these days I lay in bed, watch TV, workout, and miss home. I don’t feel so lonely on the days when we are working at the testing site, but these days off really get me. So much time alone to sit and think about home. I try to read and I sit and try to find inspiration for another blog post. Most days I don’t come up with much.

I’ve been away from home for 10 days now and it is beginning to feel like an eternity. I’ve done okay considering this is the longest I have been away from my daughter, but I recognize that my mental health is declining with every passing day.

I got up and did my hair and makeup to pass time. I feel good when I look good, but now I’m just sitting here wondering what the rest of the day is going to bring. I have friends here, but for the most part I just feel alone.

This is the family that I so dearly miss…

The Power of 1 Year

One year passes fast.

One year with a child? Way faster.

We never know what to expect when we start the journey of motherhood. For me, it felt like I’d never be ready to take on the responsibility of caring for another life besides my own.

The unknown is scary, but to me, the fear of failing was much greater.

I had nieces and nephews and had seen the graceful care that my sisters had given their children. I knew that changing diapers would get old really quick and I knew that formula was expensive. I knew that skin to skin contact was helpful in comforting a newborn and I knew that being a mom would be really hard, but rewarding nonetheless.

But I still didn’t know if I would be cut out for the job.

I’ve always struggled when it comes to showing others the softer, more gentle side of my personality. I’m sarcastic and rough around the edges. I grew up with a lot of anger and resentment towards my own mother that I wondered if I could ever be the mother that I wished I would have had when I was young. I teeter tottered with anxiety and fear the entire nine months that I was pregnant.

But now I have made it ONE ENTIRE YEAR as a mom, and there is just something about that milestone that pushed me to write this post.

One year ago I was sitting in a hospital with a six inch incision in my abdomen, holding a life that I had just brought into this big, scary world. My pain meds had me in and out of consciousness, but I was trying my best to stay awake to stare at this precious child that was just inside of my body just a few short hours prior.

I looked at her cheeks and grasped her little fingers and wondered why I ever worried about becoming a mom in the first place.

We were in the hospital for five days, and then we took our little Della Rae home.

I sit here now thinking about the person I was one year ago compared to the person that I am now.

Strength and confidence now fill the spaces that were once laden with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Others will swear by your beauty, but until you see your smile resembled from the lips of your child, you may never believe that you were ever beautiful at all. I promise you, it was always there. And your child will convince you of it every day.

I now know that my heart knows no bounds. Every time I look at her I feel as if there is no possible way I could love her any more than I do in that moment, and then the next day comes and I’m surprising myself with even more love and joy in my heart that I am afraid it may just explode right out of my chest.

I went to work two months after I had her. I’ve learned a different meaning of working for everything you want. I’m a provider. I’m a learner.

And I’m still just trying to find the right balance.

Motherhood is hard, but in ONE YEAR I’ve become a woman that FEELS powerful, strong, and worthy. I FEEL proud, gentle, and fierce when needed. I feel an immense amount of love, support, and gratitude.

The power that one year can have is something you won’t understand until the year has passed and all you have are the memories of who your baby once was.

Gallstones SUCK!

I had surgery to get my gallbladder taken out yesterday!

I’ve been dealing with terrible stomach pain off and on for the last few months. I went to the ER a few months back and they told me that there was “a 70% chance that it’s your gallbladder, but it’s up to you if you wanna see if taking it out works.” So I was like ummm no, I don’t want a surgery if you aren’t sure that it’s going to help…

The worst night I ever experienced with these “stomach pains” I went to the kitchen and sat on the floor screaming onto a towel so that I wouldn’t wake my sleeping eight month-old baby. I’m tellin ya, that pain was worse than my c-section recovery!

As it turns out, gallstones SUCK! I was in the ER from 11am yesterday to about 11:45am today. When I went into surgery yesterday it was exactly 17:00 (5pm). When I got out of surgery, it was 18:15 (6:15pm). I’m finally home and really sore!

How has everyone else’s week been? (I feel like I was in another world the past two days!)

Finding Myself

I start therapy on Friday. I’m very excited, actually. I feel like the stigma against mental health is kind of diminishing and more and more people are trying their hand at therapy. In all reality, everyone just wants to feel better. I’ve always wanted to talk to someone about all of the feelings I have, but I’ve never been so lost that I felt that there was no other option.

That is how I feel now.

I am on an unexpected, anxiety-ridden rollercoaster of emotions right now. I have hit rock bottom and I scheduled the appointment without even hesitating. I need this.  

Yes, I am a daughter and a friend and a mother and a partner… but who am I when it’s not based upon a relationship with someone else?

Who am I?

I want to strip down and view myself in a completely vulnerable and open way. I want to look at why I do the things that I do. I want to find the meaning of all the pent-up emotions that never address. Why haven’t I addressed them? Am I a complete narcissist and have no clue? What can I do to make sure that I am focusing some of my energy on ME? What in my life has happened that has changed the way I form relationships with others? What can I do to improve the way I carry myself around those that love me? 

There is so much that I want answers on.

So much to discover.

So much to solve.

I am so ready.

To all the MOMS on World Mental Health Day 🌱

Since the birth of our children, nearly every decision we make will bring us a sense of guilt. Put your baby to bed too early and you feel guilty for not enjoying your time with your baby while they are little. Keep your baby up too late, and you feel guilty that they aren’t getting enough rest. I have struggled with this immensely in the short stint of my experience with motherhood, and I know from many conversations I’ve had with other mothers of children of all ages, it is something that is never going to go away – as much as we wish it would. As mothers, we are under constant scrutiny and watchful eyes from everyone around us. We are criticized on how we feed our child, rather than the fact that the child is being fed at all. We feel the heat of dirty looks in the supermarket when we have a wailing child that we can’t quiet.  We take showers and look down at a body that looked very different just a few short months ago. We smile when you happily say hello to our children, but still feel the pain when you don’t acknowledge our presence with an equal amount of excitement. Do you care about me? Or do you only care about me enough to scrutinize who you think I am as a mother?

Well I will tell you who I am as a mother.

I am now devoted to life of selflessness. I have ran to the bathroom, cried out in overwhelming frustration, wiped my eyes, and returned back to my family with no one even noticing the crack of defeat I have hidden from my face. I have spent late nights worrying, planning, anticipating, and preparing. I love selflessly and whole-heartedly.

On my toughest days, I close my eyes and face the sky waiting for nature to give me strength… She always does.

I am persistent and I am determined. Even though there are times I feel like I might break under all of the pressure, the sun falls and rises, and so do I.

I am passionate. Passionate about my child. Passionate to build up the family that I have created. Passionate about the joys life has so graciously given me.

I am forgiving. I am consistent. I am fierce. I am patient.

Through the guilt that I so often face, I have come to understand that there are so many things that make me the best mother in my child’s world. Forget the pain you feel when you choose to do something that is in the best interest of you. We deserve some of our free will to be made solely in regards to our own wellness.

Because it’s hard being a selfless, persistent, determined, passionate, forgiving, consistent, and fierce MOM.

Mending My Crushed Ego

Okay. This almost pains me to write, but I always think it is important to reflect on who we are. So I’ll say it:

I am a jerk sometimes. And I lie to myself so that I don’t feel bad about it.

For some reason, today’s society tries to make us hard, cold individuals that classify all of our feelings as the same. In reality, everyone has their own traumas and experiences that shape their personality and language differently. Since when was it so normal to openly exclaim how much we hate our lives and how we don’t deserve for people to treat us in ways that we don’t like?

Don’t get me wrong.

Yeah, sometimes life just blows. And yes, you shouldn’t let people walk all over you… But for pete’s sake… I’m so sick of seeing everyone try to morph their own feelings and thoughts into the mold that they think that everyone else feels too. Feel your own feelings, take responsibility for the things you do, and do your best not to be a shitty person!

My fiance called me out today. He said, “Nobody can tell you anything! You always go straight into defense mode. Sometimes you’re just plain hard to be friends with. You say things that you shouldn’t, and sometimes you’re just plain mean!”

I opened my mouth to argue, and then I realized… If you argue, you’re proving his point. My mind was totally in the defense mode that he had just accused me of being in all the time. I sat there and pondered his words in silence as I stared at the ground. I was embarrassed- He was right. And the worst thing was… at that moment, I realized I had a shitty way of talking to myself. After I thought about his words, it made me think about how I put myself above others when I think to myself during conversation. For example, he told me, “You always think you’re right about everything.” And I immediately thought to myself, ‘Well I usually am!’

Wow.

How egotistical of me!! I actually thought that exact thought in my head. And I am extremely ashamed to admit it!!! So that is what led me to writing this for you guys today. Because let’s all be honest… We like to think that we are joyful, humble people, but are we really???

Later on in the afternoon, I grabbed him by the shirt and said, “Will you help me? I don’t want to be this nasty person that spews hate and anger, because I don’t think of myself that way.” When I think about qualities to describe myself, I lead myself to believe that I could never behave in such a way. It’s so incredibly hard to manage child rearing, full-time work, household chores and bills, a loving relationship, and making sure your mental health is in tact. I lost sight of my values and got enveloped in the stress of everyday life. I am not quite as great of a person as I sometimes like to think I am, and I can definitely improve. I’m just lucky I have someone that loves me enough to tell me when I’m wrong and willing to help me be the very best version of myself.

Dylan hurt my ego today. And I am sooooo thankful for it!

 

 

 

Finding the Happy Medium Between Caring For Others & Caring For Yourself

I have a hard time making sure that I take time to do things for ME. I am totally the type of person to give and give and give myself away to everyone else in order to keep those around me happy. I truly believe that giving is better than receiving, but let’s be honest… It does feel good to receive!

You owe it to yourself to not feel shame about doing what makes you happy. I used to think that doing so much for everyone else was simply me wearing myself down and not taking exploring the things that I love. But then I changed my perspective. I love to comfort people. I love to take weight off of people’s shoulders. Ilove making people feel welcome and at home. And just because I go out of my way to make those things happen, doesn’t mean that I care any less about myself. It makes me happy making others happy, and I shouldn’t feel shame or regret about the fact that caring for others (sometimes more than myself) brings me joy.

Find a happy medium. So… yeah. I like to make others happy. Most people do. But what you have to keep in mind is that you can’t truly be happy unless you are happy with yourself. You can give endlessly for those around you, but if you aren’t giving yourself even half of the attention that you are giving to everyone else, there is no way you can possibly be happy. I can’t stress just how important it is to spoil yourself every once in a while. Sometimes I forget that my happiness and mental health matters too, and it always end in a crying fit of rage and jealousy. So find a happy medium. It’s good to care for others, but do not forget that YOU MATTER TOO!

Spoil yourself! Believe it or not, but I am not the typical girl. I would much rather go hiking or fishing than going to get my nails or hair done. The point is, it’s important to identify the things that bring your mind and body peace and do those things! If you’re not sure what things you would enjoy to do for yourself, there is nothing wrong with exploring to find what works best for you and your schedule. You deserve to be spoiled because YOU ARE AN AMAZING, LIVING CREATURE! Life is hard! Make the most of it!

Here are some ideas of activities you can do to make sure you are caring for yourself:

  • Play an instrument
  • Read a book
  • Wash your face or put on a face mask (I tried this for the first time the other day, and even though it was a quick and subtle fifteen minutes, I couldn’t believe how refreshed I felt afterwards!)
  • Ride a bike
  • Paint your nails
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Go for a walk or drive alone
  • Put lotion on (I have recently made this a habit after every shower. It sounds silly, but that extra 5-10 minutes I get alone to myself after a shower really makes a difference! Plus, who doesn’t love soft, smooth skin!)
  • Take yourself on a date
  • Paint, write, or draw
  • Listen to music

Whatever activity or hobby you decide to take part in, make sure you are doing it without distraction and focusing on reaching a peaceful and happy state of mind. What do you do to rejuvenate your mind and body? I’d love to hear some of your ideas or recommended products!! Drop a comment and let’s chat!!

Taking care of YOU

Today has been the first day since the birth of my beautiful babe that I have had practically an entire day to myself. It has been full of rejuvenation, self-reflection, and being able to finally catch up on laundry!!

I have days where I feel completely obliterated. Days where I feel like I have nothing; even though I am surrounded by love, happiness, and a beautiful family.

Days like today help me realize how important it is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I haven’t had this great of a day in I don’t know how long, and I thought it was important to remind you all of how important it is to make sure that you have a healthy state-of-mind and to pursue the things that you love.

What makes you love you?

What are the things that you love the most about yourself?

What hobbies do you enjoy that you haven’t pursued in awhile?

What enjoyable actions have you been overlooking because you’ve been “too busy?”

MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF, FRIENDS. Make sure you are continuously in pursuance of the things that MAKE YOU… YOU!!!

Often times we find ourselves SOOOO infatuated with the idea of caring for everyone else except for ourselves. 

Change that.

Do the things that set your soul on fire.

Chase your dreams.

Be yourself.

Always remember to take care of YOU.