EOD Thoughts: 11.27.2020

Dylan usually has the Friday after Thanksgiving off of work, but since his company was behind on orders since they had to shutdown due to the pandemic, his boss told them that they still had to get 40 hours in this week.

I turned in my request to use a vacation day today like a month ago because I figured Dylan would have the day off because he usually does and I never do.

So he worked 4 hours on Thanksgiving and some 12 hour days just so he could have the day off with me since I had already gotten it off.

We pay for the babysitter for every day, even if we decide to keep Della home. So we didn’t want to pay for a day she wasn’t there, so we took her to daycare and Dylan and I spent the day in the woods at our good friends’ place. He has about 80 acres of wooded land, so we went out in a secluded part of it and started “bush crafting.” (If you can even call it that) The boys have a purely wood shelter that they built from trees that they cut down and set up. They then collected creek rocks and clay from the earth and built a clay oven!! They truly love playing out there. We even camped out there last weekend.

I spent a lot of the day raking a path from our shelter to the creek that’s nearby.

It’s amazing how just a bit of time out there can make me forget all of what’s going on in reality.

The sun felt clean and refreshing on my face. It was about 45°, so it wasn’t too cold and the sun came out to make it warm enough that I didn’t even need a coat. We were all working anyway, so our body temps were up.

It was nice to have a care-free day out enjoying nature with my man. It’s something he’s really passionate about and I am too. We camp and hike a lot.

We were talking about how we were pretty blessed with some nice weather this fall/winter. The pandemic keeps us home, but with the weather we’ve had, it’s allowed us to enjoy the outdoors too.

I’m thankful for so many things in my life. A loving family. Nature’s power to renew. Good health.

We have to learn to make the most out of what we’ve got. Adjustments are hard, just make sure you’re taking time to do the things you love.

Alexander’s Alaska

My name is Alexander. I don’t go by Alex because it doubles as a female’s name and that bothers me.

I am 24 years old, but I feel a lot older. I’ve been alone for a long while and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

I got out of high school and didn’t know where my place in society was. I didn’t belong anywhere within the traditional realm of life. I didn’t want to join the military because I didn’t care to fight in the name of a government. I didn’t go to college because I didn’t know what to pursue and the price of school is way more than what a degree is actually worth. I didn’t want get a job because I thought that there is more to life than slaving at a nine-to-five job just to barely pay the bills.

So I left.

I went off the grid.

I gathered every penny I had saved, bought a plane ticket, and moved to Alaska. I bought ten acres of land south of the Yukon River and started a new life. When I first got there, all I did was cut down trees. I cut for days. I had a tarp tied to a tree that I slept under, and when the sun rose in the mornings I had already been up for a few hours. I got to Alaska in late July, so it was still in the mid-70s during the day time.

I had a small cottage built by the time the temperatures got too low to sleep under my tarp. It took a lot of work and was lonesome to do solo, but it is something that I still feel immense pride in accomplishing.

I’ve been here just over a year, and I’ve basically got life in the wilderness put on a daily schedule. The routine is monotonous, but there are always things that must be done.

Now I sit here with this pen in my hand knowing that no one will ever read my writing. It takes a great deal of effort to swallow the loneliness that I feel on my worst days, but most of the time I interact with Mother Nature and spend time appreciating our great earth.

I wish I had someone to share this land with. Someone to talk to. Someone to feel something for. Instead of wallowing in my own stubbornness and insecurity, I cut trees, hunt, and fetch water so that I don’t have to acknowledge just how lonely I am. My soul isn’t fulfilled and it makes me wonder if I messed up somewhere down the road. I never imagined I’d yearn for a life partner, but the singing birds and crunching leaves under my feet no longer sound as comforting as they once did.

The Ants

I wandered out to the garden and sat with my back against the fence. I could feel the warm sun beat down on my face, I closed my eyes and soaked in the rays with my head pointed upward. I should do this more often, I thought to myself. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes again.

What a beautiful life this is. I can sit here and feel the warm sun, enjoy the slow breeze, and fill my lungs with clean air. Too often I take for granted the beautiful easiness of nature. It’s slow and quiet, but will continue to exist whether I am taking the time to enjoy it or not. The river will continue to run whether or not its existence is acknowledged.

I looked over at the tree and noticed a trail of ants going up and down its bark. They work so well together, traveling in a line and gathering food for everyone to enjoy. I wish humans existed in this way more. We focus too much on ourselves and making sure that we are doing better than our neighbor. Why do humans flourish in the idea that life is a competition between us and those we are surrounded by?

I’ve never understood how more people in this world don’t care about the well-being of everyone collectively.

There is one earth.

And we all share it.

The ants keep working and I keep watching in admiration.

Mending My Crushed Ego

Okay. This almost pains me to write, but I always think it is important to reflect on who we are. So I’ll say it:

I am a jerk sometimes. And I lie to myself so that I don’t feel bad about it.

For some reason, today’s society tries to make us hard, cold individuals that classify all of our feelings as the same. In reality, everyone has their own traumas and experiences that shape their personality and language differently. Since when was it so normal to openly exclaim how much we hate our lives and how we don’t deserve for people to treat us in ways that we don’t like?

Don’t get me wrong.

Yeah, sometimes life just blows. And yes, you shouldn’t let people walk all over you… But for pete’s sake… I’m so sick of seeing everyone try to morph their own feelings and thoughts into the mold that they think that everyone else feels too. Feel your own feelings, take responsibility for the things you do, and do your best not to be a shitty person!

My fiance called me out today. He said, “Nobody can tell you anything! You always go straight into defense mode. Sometimes you’re just plain hard to be friends with. You say things that you shouldn’t, and sometimes you’re just plain mean!”

I opened my mouth to argue, and then I realized… If you argue, you’re proving his point. My mind was totally in the defense mode that he had just accused me of being in all the time. I sat there and pondered his words in silence as I stared at the ground. I was embarrassed- He was right. And the worst thing was… at that moment, I realized I had a shitty way of talking to myself. After I thought about his words, it made me think about how I put myself above others when I think to myself during conversation. For example, he told me, “You always think you’re right about everything.” And I immediately thought to myself, ‘Well I usually am!’

Wow.

How egotistical of me!! I actually thought that exact thought in my head. And I am extremely ashamed to admit it!!! So that is what led me to writing this for you guys today. Because let’s all be honest… We like to think that we are joyful, humble people, but are we really???

Later on in the afternoon, I grabbed him by the shirt and said, “Will you help me? I don’t want to be this nasty person that spews hate and anger, because I don’t think of myself that way.” When I think about qualities to describe myself, I lead myself to believe that I could never behave in such a way. It’s so incredibly hard to manage child rearing, full-time work, household chores and bills, a loving relationship, and making sure your mental health is in tact. I lost sight of my values and got enveloped in the stress of everyday life. I am not quite as great of a person as I sometimes like to think I am, and I can definitely improve. I’m just lucky I have someone that loves me enough to tell me when I’m wrong and willing to help me be the very best version of myself.

Dylan hurt my ego today. And I am sooooo thankful for it!

In the Morning

I wake up in the morning

Feeling like an absolute star

I’m motivated to start the day

And conquer all that lies before me

But then I get out of bed

And start thinking about

All the ways I’ve let myself down

Too clingy

Too chubby

Too shy

Too busy

Too self-conscious

I look in the mirror and

Run my fingers through my

Wavy long hair

I like the way it falls against my back

And frames my face

I layer on mascara and

Study the freckles

That cover my nose and cheeks

Maybe I am beautiful

Then I begin to realize

I’m not as bad as I think I am

I don’t give myself enough credit

For I have strength in so many ways

I am fierce

I am determined

I am smart

I am reliable

And I am out of bed today

And that is a feat

That not all can achieve

June Blogging Challenge: Day 5

Day FIVE of my June Blogging Challenge! Today’s prompt is very simple.

Home.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure what to think of today’s prompt. Home. What about home? Is it asking where I live? Does it want pictures of my house? I decided I’d go with something a little less boring……. Maybe.

I live in midwestern Illinois in a small town called Mount Sterling. There are two stoplights and three gas stations. That is where I call HOME. But that isn’t very fun to talk about. Instead, I’d rather talk about where else FEELS like home.

We all have places where we feel the most comfortable. Places where all worries cease to exist and we can let our souls free. This could be at grandma’s house, or even with a certain person.

For me, one of the places that I truly feel relaxed is out in the woods. My fiancé and I love to go camping- it’s kind of what we do for mini vacations throughout the summer. Last summer we went probably ten or more times all over Illinois, Iowa, and Missouri. We’ve actually talked about and agreed that camping is what we would like to do on our honeymoon!

I just love being in the trees, breathing in the fresh air. I love cooking over an open flame. I love playing cards at night with the campfire as our only source of light. It’s just an all-around homey feel for me. The rain needs to go away so we can get out and camp soon!!

Another thing that makes me feel at home is holding my sweet girl. There is just something about holding your child that makes your walls collapse and nothing else matters. She has stolen my heart! It seems that every time I leave her, something within me is just missing up until the second I see her again. I often wonder if that will ever go away. I doubt it.