For Years to Come

There is no handbook on how to deal with heartache

There is no medicine to cure the pain

How can the one you love most use words that pierce your heart like a knife to bare skin?

It’s not the first time

And won’t be the last –

Your words have such impact on someone who reads into every clue from your brow

I study you

My absolute favorite person

The one I know most about

The one I revolve my life around

Why do I feel I’m more in love with you than I feel like you’re in love with me?

You hide your true emotion behind words that sting like a hornet

Its harsh pain will eventually dissipate

But you’ll remember how badly it hurt in that moment for years to come

Heavy Feelings

I have heavy feelings tonight.

Ones I’ve had for awhile. They’ve been festering inside me. They aren’t that disruptive.

Except for when I sit alone with myself, only my thoughts to entertain me.

They have been tugging at me, these feelings.

But it’s easier to let you hide in your guilt than it is to initiate confrontation.

I think it’s taking so long because you know that the guilt belongs to you.

There is more than one instance of this in my life right now.

I don’t have the energy to plead what I’m owed.

I’m usually more stubborn about things like this.

But this time, I’m just tired and I have no fight left in me.

It is what it is.

I’ll carry these heavy feelings and hope that they resolve sooner rather than later.

I don’t have the time

I want to feel angry.

I want to.

But I don’t have the time,

I don’t have the mental capacity,

I don’t have the sanity,

I don’t have the self-control to

bring myself back in

once I start down that path.

It’s not something I can prioritize

anymore.

It no longer consumes me.

I push it to the back burner

because I have to.

I know I could feel better

if I let those emotions come

over me,

if I’d just let them go.

But I’ve got people

depending on me now,

that I didn’t have before.

Because my daughter is

watching me with a careful eye

and I don’t want the only

vision of a strong woman she sees

to be the one she sees on a screen.

Before, I could let

the emotions consume me.

I could fall apart and

nobody would know.

Before, I could hold the anger

until I was ready to release it.

I could reel myself in.

I could take my time sorting out

my feelings and

making sense of emotions.

But now?

It’s all different now.

I don’t have the time.

Seedlings

It’s so weird to think

that just a few months ago

this beautiful plant

was just a tiny seed.

It was hiding dormant

in a shell,

but then it emerged

and now it lives.

Growing, reaching

for the sun.

Reacting to stress and

its environment,

breathing

surviving

thriving.

What was once a seedling,

is now just trying to live.

I relate to the cycle.

Life is flourishing

all around us.

This is a jalapeño plant we’ve been growing this year. We’re new to gardening, but hoping to grow more every year!

This fresh sweet mint is going to be amazing! Super excited for this beautiful plant!