The silence

Being alone

Is nice sometimes –

But other times,

The silence

Gets way too loud

It’s wedding week!

I’ve been casually MIA- for good reason.

6 days until “I do.”

I have planned our entire wedding in less than one year and under $10k dollars (which is nearly unthinkable today).

And did I mention… vacation?

Thursday morning at about 4am we will head to Pigeon Forge, TN where we will be married in the Smoky Mountains on Saturday. Send good thoughts, as the long travel (10-12 hour drive) we are asking of our families is what brings me the most worry.

I’ll be sure to update with plenty of pictures after the big day, but here is some of what we have been up to lately!! (Other than full time jobs, college, and wedding planning!

And even time for a date night here & there!

Now for final preparations and packing!!! 🤍💍

A Good Mom

A Good Mom never believes that she is a good Mom.

Perhaps, I suggest to myself, it’s just how I stroke my broken ego after a long day of chasing children around the house.

Who knew a three year old could push my buttons so quickly? No one warned me of this!

Or, maybe they did. I just didn’t listen.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m supposed to be the adult and parent two children. I mean, I don’t even want to call to schedule my own appointments, let alone be responsible for a tiny person?!

Seems bizarre, but I seem to be doing okay at it.

When I was pregnant the first time, I remember several women telling me, ‘It’s instinct. You’ll know exactly what to do.’

Oh? That’s your idea of good advice? I have no idea what I am getting myself into and I’m supposed to just trust that I will instinctively know???

But I think I am beginning to understand that they just might have been right all along.

It is easy to love wholeheartedly and be tender loving. It’s easy to want to be everything for your child. We worry because we care so immensely that we just beat the hell out of ourselves when we forget, or worry too much, or be too bold, etc etc. The list of things we beat ourselves up over really could go on and on and on. It’s so easy to be the person your children need. You may not be perfect, but I believe the love and care comes instinctively.

But, I digress.

We were made to do this. Motherhood often feels lonely and the unknown journey can be paralyzing, but we really are just all flying by the seats of our pants. No one reaaaally knows what’s going on, and if they claim to, run… Because those are the people that are waaaayyy too comfortable relying on the comfort of a world we longer live in.

The times are changing, but you are a good Mom. You possess the tools you need to make it through anything. Mothers of the world, we got this.

EOD Thoughts: 06.19.2022

Perhaps today isn’t the day to write what I feel

Maybe I should give a shout-out to the men in my life that are wonderful fathers

Or acknowledge the importance of the celebration of Juneteenth

But instead

Tonight I feel sad and that’s all I want to put on this page

Tomorrow will bring a new day

But I know that a new day will not result in a “parent” choosing to accept you

Or congratulate you, or hell- even wish you the best

Tonight I’m sad because I believe she very actively, possibly subconsciously (but doubtful), hopes that I fail

All while publicly loving and admiring a few of her other (favorite) children all over Facebook

Maybe it shouldn’t bother me

I guess it hurts knowing I’ll continue this world without a mother figure

She was supposed to be “the replacement”

She was supposed to fix me

But instead, she’s another woman that continues to break my heart and fails to love me the way a mother should

Or, I suppose, the way I believe a mother should love their daughter

I just imagine the future with my daughter…

And I know it involves tons of phone calls, adult cuddles and day dates, and one day… the involvement with her children should she ever have her own…

I don’t know what a relationship with a woman is regarding these important memories a mother and daughter should share

But then again… how would I know what mothers and daughters should do???

Tonight I’m sad, that’s all

Just a taste

Sometimes I feel like I’m the one that always has her shit together

But sometimes I just wanna lose control

I don’t wanna be responsible

I wanna be wild

I wanna be reckless

I’ve spent my whole life working my ass to prove to everyone that I’m not what I came from

That I’m put together

Accountable

Competent

Rational

But for just once

I’d like to make a little noise

Say what I think

Do what I want

Make messes

Not show up

Just be alone

But what does this say about me?

What does this mean?

I can’t help but wonder what I’ve been missing out on

I hardly learned lessons the hard way when I was young

I’m beginning to think I don’t know myself at all

Who is this woman who yearns for disruption

Yearns the chase

The uncertainty and unpredictability

For she is on the edge of a reckoning

And just wants a taste

Tidal Wave

Life is full of brilliant surprises –

both wonderful and painful;

but it’s really hard to see the bad when things are good,

and even harder to see the good when things are bad

I think that’s why we have such a hard time

feeling truly alive.

One moment

we are on top of the world,

shining,

smiling,

superior.

And then the next we are

stumbling,

curled up,

broken.

Life comes and goes in tidal waves

You gotta just keep riding it out

Because one day,

I promise you

Your soul will awaken with appreciation for life,

You will notice the smile of a stranger;

or the fresh smell of the rain;

or the warm sun on your skin

and you’ll know

you are here for a reason

Kayla

I don’t have closure with the way you left

I probably never will

I thought I’d write a poem in honor of you,

But I’m not sure the words are going to flow

You told me several times that I was a good writer

It empowered me and made me appreciate the craft

Now here I am – writing with a broken heart about something I never saw coming. Something I cannot explain. Something I’ll never understand.

I’m losing my poem format, but my thoughts are jumbled and you taught me that sometimes I need to step outside of my comfort zone

You were my manager

For nearly fours years

I know we don’t always appreciate coworkers

But I can honestly say you had a light in you

That I’ve never seen

Bubbles and sunshine in the form of a human

Many of the thoughts and interpersonal conclusions I came to about myself and then wrote about on this very blog were because you pushed me to ask the deeper questions about why I act the way I do, how I appear to others, and perhaps most importantly how important it is to ask why.

Why did you react the way you did?

What were you feeling? Why did that upset you? What was correct in your reaction, and what do you need to work on next time you encounter the same feelings?

Yes, it often had to do with work

But you shaped it to apply to my life

And I’ll never forget it

Or you

My heart hurts

Every time I’m in the office

Or on a zoom call

I think of you and miss you

It was a simple relationship, but a very impactful one. The thing about loss is, you don’t realize that impact until it’s gone. Our team is slowly moving forward, but many of our hearts are shattered.

We miss you, Kayla

Her shirt 🥲🥺 and beautiful, infectious smile

The Treasure of Memories

Smartphones have absorbed our entire world. Our society runs through them in a lot of ways. They have single-handedly both destroyed the world we live in while also bringing the world closer than it has ever been before.

But I like to think of my phone as a tool.

Yes, I get on social media and play games and spend way too much time being unproductive on it… but today I’m thankful for my phone’s little tool called the camera.

There is a constant battle in motherhood. Loving your life, just as it is, right where you are at. But also hoping it gets easier, looking forward to tomorrow, and looking for the days when your life is no longer a constant sprint everywhere you go.

But the camera allows us a glimpse back into the moments we treasure. Memories no longer have to live in our minds. They come to life when you watch the video of your daughter’s first steps, or when you watch yourself become a wife. Photos let us step back into a moment and relive the happiness that we felt. All captured from this amazingly smart tool right at the tip of our fingers.

I’m thankful that these moments will be passed down and shared and relived for many years to come.

Life is too short to not enjoy. Turn off the noise, and focus on your happy. Groom your mind for positivity and live in the moment.

Check in on your friends!

We all have an old friend that we think about and say, ‘I should really hit them up sometime” but never do.

Life happens. We get busy. We don’t always prioritize relationships with our friends like we should.

Well, here’s your reminder: Check in on your pals. Even if you don’t know what to say. Even if it’s hard. Tell them you think about them. Tell them you love them.

You never know what someone is going through and life is too short to live quietly.