EOD Thoughts: 07.31.2021

This has been the longest and most boring July of my life. Of course our luck would result in us moving during the hottest week of the entire summer.

I’m so tired I swear I could sleep for a week straight.

I’ve lost the drive to even be on my phone. As in- I will not respond to mostly everything for days. Situations vary, but I’ve just been feeling so antisocial. I feel like I get like this in spurts, and often times randomly. Maintaining good mental health is hard and sometimes life is so overwhelming I feel like I just need to stick in my own little bubble sometimes.

So I’ve been deep in my head and in thought.

My body hurts. Everywhere. Specifically my back and hips, and my FEET. Swollen ankles galore. And I swear I’ve been a sweaty working mess for a week straight.

But we’re finally moved. We still have tons to do, but none of it requires me to be in 90° heat – YAY!

We’ve put some pieces of the home together, and I’m already in love with what we have done.

Someday I’ll enjoy this home while I’m not so exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Still feels like home, though 💓

EOD Thoughts: 07.06.2021

I reflect a lot. I write about my reflection and devotion to that on here often.

But one thing I’ve noticed about the last year:

It’s changed my methodology around reflection.

I used to rely a lot on the feedback I received from others. I naturally surround myself with honest people that will tell me when I’m not acting myself or when I’m wrong. I like that. I try to take that advice seriously.

That was a life we knew before the pandemic forever changed the workplace and how we conduce relationships with others.

I work from home three days a week and on the two days I’m actually in the office, there is hardly much conversation. No interaction other than Zoom for the most part.

So now I’ve got to try to internalize a true perception of myself while also taking account of how I make look on someone else’s screen.

Did I mention, with no feedback for reference?

Business in this manner makes me feel like I’m only going through the motions and don’t have much control over my own career.

So I think both personally and professionally, I need to really sit down with myself and think about how others may feel when we interact. I know I can do better at home; I’ve let a few too many curse words slip now that we’ve got a talking and brilliant toddler. And I can always do better at listening to understand Dylan, rather than thinking of my response to what he’s saying. We’re pretty upfront about everything when needed.

Anywhooo, the overall gist is that self-reflection is hard, especially after feeling the effects of a global pandemic. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself when thinking about how much better you could be, but rather consider how many things you are ROCKIN. Cut yourself some slack – EVERYONE is under their own form of stress right now. We’re all trying to adjust to something new. We’ll make it through it.

-EOD Thoughts-

Phases

Who I am today

Is not who I was yesterday

It’s not who I was ten years ago

And the person I am today

Is also not the person I will be

Ten years from now

Evolution of self is a cycle

It’s a long and constant journey of

self-examination and the decision

to either change with the world

or let the world consume you

Most would argue that they

are creatures of habit

and feel more comfort when

they know what is coming next

But you never truly know

what’s in store

Everything is changing –

even the things that you do not think are

That flower will grow, yes,

but the angle that the sun hits it

is never the same on any given day

Like the angle of the sun,

I am always in alteration

Sometimes I am more direct,

like the hot summer rays

And other times I am so cold,

you’d wonder if I even exist

Who I am today is not who I always will be

I have phases

I am still in development

Ever-changing and complicated

Breathe

In…

Fill your lungs with air to capacity

And exhale

Close your eyes and force the negative energy out

Smile as you feel the weight get loaded off

You’re free

Free of the streas

Relax your jaw and release the furrow in your brow

Those worry lines are starting to become permanent

Life is happening fast

And the lines on your body tell that story

Take one moment to slow down

Release the tension

EOD Thoughts: 11.25.2020

I worked two hours this morning and then took the rest of the week off.

I’m so often cautious of using PTO and Vacation hours because of, uh, LIFE. But hey! I needed a break so I finally took some time.

Didn’t do much after work but pick up the house and workout. So I didn’t accomplish a lot of my to do list today, but I did take a short nap, did some yoga, snacked on some foods I enjoy, watched my favorite TV show, and had a margarita.

Self pampering is refreshing. And although I still have some chores to finish, I feel so much tension (physically) released from my shoulders and back. I was able to spend time with myself.

No kids.

No hubby.

No work.

Just me, doing whatever I wanted.

So tonight I’m feeling good. I’m currently sitting at our candlelit table smiling and full of thankfulness. Dylan and I have been giggling all night. What a great night to bring in the holiday.

Goodnight, my friends. It feels good to leave this post with a steadily warm heart ❤️

…………………………..

Tonight’s Reflection Quotes:

My Empty Satisfaction

Sometimes I sit here and think and think and think about what to write about. It often seems like the times I get filled with inspiration and motivation to write is when I don’t have my laptop near or the time to get it put together on paper. I’ll be driving down the road and an idea will hit me and I tell myself ‘Don’t forget this idea… it’s GOLD’ and when I get home I realize that I can’t even remember the topic I was even thinking about.

Motherhood is a full-time job and on top of the full-time job that I have outside of that, I feel like I don’t have time to pursue the hobbies that I most enjoy, like writing. I wouldn’t trade motherhood for the world, but it means that I have to put the less important activities on the back burner. I still dream of having thousands of people read the words that I write, but for now that dream seems so far away and so unobtainable.

But what do I do?

I’m stuck in the middle of providing for my amazing daughter, keeping my relationship full of spontaneous adventures, maintaining success within my career, and trying to keep my own sanity. I truly do love the life that I’ve built, but sometimes I sit in a dark room drooling over the idea of a life where I am able to focus only on myself. I don’t know if that makes me selfish, but it’s something I’ve come to admit to myself within the depths of my consciousness.

I want to read more books. I want to write more words. I want to express my love for language and knowledge with more people, but I just don’t know how at this time in my life.

Is it possible to feel so incredibly happy and proud of the life I have, but also still fill a gaping hole of everything that I haven’t yet accomplished?

Will there ever be a time where everything I aspire to be comes together?

I am so full of satisfaction, but also still so empty.

The Label I Carry

The whole reason I decided to start therapy was because a coworker told me she was going to start going again. She gave me the name of her therapist and told me to go to her website and check her out. So I did. I immediately requested more info and before the day was over, I was set up for an appointment.

When I was talking about what I wanted out of therapy, I explained to my coworker that I wanted to find out who I was aside from being a MOM. As mothers, we lean so heavily on our label as “mom” and base a lot of our vision of our success on how well we feel like we are providing for our children.

Let me tell you why I think that SUCKS.

In today’s world, it is DAMN HARD to feel an absence of insecurity in what we are doing for our kids. There are so many conflicting ideologies on “what is best” for a child. When we feel the amount of success that we have accomplished is based upon whether or not people agree with our parenting choices, it’s sooo easy to feel like we haven’t accomplished much. As mothers, we can’t please everyone, but you can bet your bottom dollar that we sure do try. 

We are proud to be moms. We love our babies more than anything – it’s why we bend over backwards and dedicate our lives to making sure our children have everything. But that same dedication to our kids can result in a lack of dedication to ourselves. I struggle with this on a daily basis. My entire day is almost solely devoted to providing for my child; so much that I feel like there just isn’t enough hours in the day to focus on myself. I know it feels that way for a lot of moms too, so I think it is important that we are making not only our children and their health a priority, but also our mental and physical health a priority too. You can’t possibly be a good mom if you aren’t feeding your own flame every once in awhile. I think the issue here is that it’s so easy to fall complacent with only being a mom. And for some, that is all they want to be! Which is also totally fine!

But I want to be so much MORE. I want to be someone that is so much more than a mom. I want to love myself aside from the role my child plays in my life (Even though that role is huge!)

I want to indulge in all of life – not just the parts where I am providing for someone else. I want to provide for me, too.  

Finding the Happy Medium Between Caring For Others & Caring For Yourself

I have a hard time making sure that I take time to do things for ME. I am totally the type of person to give and give and give myself away to everyone else in order to keep those around me happy. I truly believe that giving is better than receiving, but let’s be honest… It does feel good to receive!

You owe it to yourself to not feel shame about doing what makes you happy. I used to think that doing so much for everyone else was simply me wearing myself down and not taking exploring the things that I love. But then I changed my perspective. I love to comfort people. I love to take weight off of people’s shoulders. Ilove making people feel welcome and at home. And just because I go out of my way to make those things happen, doesn’t mean that I care any less about myself. It makes me happy making others happy, and I shouldn’t feel shame or regret about the fact that caring for others (sometimes more than myself) brings me joy.

Find a happy medium. So… yeah. I like to make others happy. Most people do. But what you have to keep in mind is that you can’t truly be happy unless you are happy with yourself. You can give endlessly for those around you, but if you aren’t giving yourself even half of the attention that you are giving to everyone else, there is no way you can possibly be happy. I can’t stress just how important it is to spoil yourself every once in a while. Sometimes I forget that my happiness and mental health matters too, and it always end in a crying fit of rage and jealousy. So find a happy medium. It’s good to care for others, but do not forget that YOU MATTER TOO!

Spoil yourself! Believe it or not, but I am not the typical girl. I would much rather go hiking or fishing than going to get my nails or hair done. The point is, it’s important to identify the things that bring your mind and body peace and do those things! If you’re not sure what things you would enjoy to do for yourself, there is nothing wrong with exploring to find what works best for you and your schedule. You deserve to be spoiled because YOU ARE AN AMAZING, LIVING CREATURE! Life is hard! Make the most of it!

Here are some ideas of activities you can do to make sure you are caring for yourself:

• Play an instrument
• Read a book
• Wash your face or put on a face mask (I tried this for the first time the other day, and even though it was a quick and subtle fifteen minutes, I couldn’t believe how refreshed I felt afterwards!)
• Ride a bike
• Paint your nails
• Take a bubble bath
• Go for a walk or drive alone
• Put lotion on (I have recently made this a habit after every shower. It sounds silly, but that extra 5-10 minutes I get alone to myself after a shower really makes a difference! Plus, who doesn’t love soft, smooth skin!)
• Take yourself on a date
• Paint, write, or draw
• Listen to music

Whatever activity or hobby you decide to take part in, make sure you are doing it without distraction and focusing on reaching a peaceful and happy state of mind. What do you do to rejuvenate your mind and body? I’d love to hear some of your ideas or recommended products!! Drop a comment and let’s chat!!