Mental Health Check-In

Hey there, friends. It has been a minute since I have posted on Between the Lens, but I think it is time for a refresh. So many things have happened in the last few weeks, so let me catch you all up.

Last week, I finished up classes for GOOD and walked across the stage to celebrate graduating COLLEGE! For those of you that have been following my page for a few years now, you know how long and hard I have worked on my Bachelor’s degree. I did it completely online, as a mother, working full-time, and also serving in the military. I hope to some day encourage other Moms that they can do it, too!!

Aside from school, I am also about a month into my new job. I am still learning and meeting new people, so I am not totally sure what to think. I will just keep trying to do my best and see where life takes me. Currently, I am working as a Caseworker in Career & Employment, working with underemployed or disadvantaged adults and assisting them with career and schooling opportunities. It can be rewarding, yet frustrating work.

Outside of work, my husband and I have began the 2023 garden! You can find more of that content at Ruble Gardens – so go give that page a follow if you haven’t yet! You can also follow us on YouTube or Facebook at @RubleGardens!

It’s also Mental Health Awareness Month, so I’m spirit I’m happy to announce that I found a therapist and had my first session earlier this week! It seems like a really good fit and I’ve never had the opportunity to internalize my past and how it’s affecting my present in a professional setting. I went one time in 2019 and couldn’t fit the bill, so I never returned. I did some research online about teletherapy that was affordable and invoiced by the session. So many sites offered a relatively affordable monthly rate, however I didn’t feel like therapy was something that I could necessarily commit more than one day a week to. Luckily, I found OpenPath Collective and was able to find therapists in my state and filter it to my specific issues and needs. The entire process was so easy and I’m paying a very affordable rate that doesn’t feel like the price tag would burden our family finances. I highly encourage that site!!!

My first session was already so eye opening. I guess I never realized that I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and never labeled my experience as real “trauma.” Now I’ve identified that, and it’s saddened me but rooted me into something that I already knew but hadn’t yet worked through its impact on my behavior, personality, and mental and physical health. I am really diving inward and will most likely use this as my outlet as I take notes towards my future book. Now that I am done with schooling and able to focus more on what I want to do, I think it’s time to finally invest time into something that’s been on my bucket list for quite some time – to publish a book.

So it’s an exciting time for me right now, despite the ongoing stress from raising two kids and working full time ! Hah, but I’m enjoying the ride and hopeful for the future. So here’s to really tuning into my own interests and see where those paths lead me!

Six Years on WP!

Today marks my six year anniversary on WordPress. This site was my beginning journey into sharing my writing and life experience with the world. Since then my content has been viewed in countries across the world tens of thousands of times.

I’m thankful for my blog friends here & the journeys we have shared together. Some of the darkest moments of my life are reflected in the poetry and writings that I upload here. It’s a very personal and honest reflection of my life that I will leave behind for my children and possible descendants to dig out. I’m currently writing a book about my family’s lineage that I hope to print and give to my siblings for Christmas to be passed to do future generations.

Not only do I share my poetry and creative writing here, WP is also my outlet to photography, gardening, vent sessions, personal interests, and self-reflection.

It’s really a catch-all.

So I appreciate the follow & engagement. Drop some love in the comments!

Thanks for a great SIX years. Here’s to another!

EOD Thoughts: 01.24.2023

I find it crazy that we are already a week away from February. I think life goes by faster the older I get. That concept frightens me sometimes.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight. It’s not even 9 o’clock yet and I’m in bed. I’ve noticed that my productivity levels are up and down here lately. Some nights I find myself cleaning the entire house after I put the kids to bed, and others I am in bed before my daughter (we give her free reign to put herself to sleep as long as she is quiet in her room, this works remarkably well for our family).

The kids are seemingly better better this week. The coughs are slowly waning. I’m exhausted and in need of adult conversation that occurs outside of work. Is it embarrassing that I don’t remember the last conversation I had outside of work, or that wasn’t in passing with the cashier at the gas station?

I wonder if I will ever feel like more than a working mom. Wake up to screaming kid, get both kids up and ready, drop off kids, go to work, pick up kids, go home, cook and feed kids, bathe kids, put kids to bed. Repeat.

That’s all.

An endless cycle of monotony with no exciting plans for the future. Maybe someday I’ll have more to write about other than my sadness and exhaustion.

Perhaps not!

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: 01.18.2023

Sickness has been running through our home off and on for the last two weeks. Seems like the Mom is never the one that gets to rest when illness runs it’s course.

The kiddos aren’t sleeping, battling fevers, but no puking so far (fingers crossed).

I am exhausted- still trying to work when I can while toggling sick children and a husband, I finished up my intermission college course and started a new semester, and if I have to change one more bedsheet I think I might faint… all on less than desirable rest. I have now forgotten the last time I slept through the night without being wakened by the needs of a crying, snotty-nosed child.

But I’m holding strong. Like all mamas do.

I will continue to wipe the noses, hold them in my arms, and look for the light of a new day.

An Ode to Myself & My Family

I just wrapped up my last assignment for my final fall semester of college. I am now one semester away from having my degree – a feat that no one in my family has accomplished. But that’s not why it’s important to me.

I have fought for every inch I’ve gained in this life. I want something, I go get it.

I am power.

I have worked through my school work all while actively serving my country (also a first in my family), working full-time, bearing and raising two children, and managing to stay (half) sane. Next spring I will have my Bachelors in Public Administration with a Minor in English to accentuate my honorable Military discharge and Associates of Arts degree.

None of this has been easy. I have progressed and succeeded without the help from any parents, but instead leaning on my husband and into the love of my children. I do it all for them. I yearn for the day where my family can see in the impact I have on our world, using the knowledge, skills, and experiences learned from my education and service to others. I want to be the good in the world that they never give up on.

Life is a challenging and messy road. Right now, so many aspects of our world feel hopeless, lost, and unnerving. I hope my family always finds stability, passion, and a strong foundation in the woman I am; for I am constantly in a state of construction, looking for ways to repair, build, and amend the pieces of me that are broken.

I hope they grow to notice and appreciate the values I try to live my life by. I hope they subliminally and intentionally adapt these values on their own, as being an honest and hardworking and appreciative person goes a long way in this world. I hope they never give up on their dreams, even if they feel unobtainable or of great lengths to reach. I started this journey in 2015 and will finally reach my goal in 2023. Many times it felt like I was on the wrong path or in the wrong place, but it has always played out in a manner that was better than I expected or anticipated. Life can feel so gloomy, but it can also bring the uplifting wonder of glorious surprise. I hope they never lose their sense of hope, for I too have been guilty of falling into the treacherous depths of depression and lack of understanding. I hope they choose not to lean against the feeling secured deep in their guts; the feeling of intuition and trust that is nearly always accurate in guiding us to the right path. Trust it. Lean into it. Let it guide you to the life you deserve.

Phases

Who I am today

Is not who I was yesterday

It’s not who I was ten years ago

And the person I am today

Is also not the person I will be

Ten years from now

Evolution of self is a cycle

It’s a long and constant journey of

self-examination and the decision

to either change with the world

or let the world consume you

Most would argue that they

are creatures of habit

and feel more comfort when

they know what is coming next

But you never truly know

what’s in store

Everything is changing –

even the things that you do not think are

That flower will grow, yes,

but the angle that the sun hits it

is never the same on any given day

Like the angle of the sun,

I am always in alteration

Sometimes I am more direct,

like the hot summer rays

And other times I am so cold,

you’d wonder if I even exist

Who I am today is not who I always will be

I have phases

I am still in development

Ever-changing and complicated

EOD Thoughts: 01.16.2021

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on WordPress. Not because I really needed a break, but because I’ve just been so busy and tired to sit on my phone and really put some thought into writing. I’d like to get back into more of a routine, but life is crazy and you never really know what your attention is going to be focused on.

On a positive note, I did end up deleting some social media apps – so that usually results in less of my time being wasted scrolling mindlessly through feeds full of politics and division. I was so tired of getting on Twitter and reading through tweet after tweet about the coronavirus and politics. It’s exhausting seeing everyone arguing and pushing conspiracies about every little thing.

Then I’d get on Instagram and scroll through pictures of models with “perfect” skin, hair, bodies, lives… I’d fall obsessed with everything I wasn’t. I’m bad at comparing myself to social media influencers. It makes my confidence plummet even if I do tell myself that social media stars get paid to portray a perfect life for their followers. Social media is truly detrimental to society.

A few months ago I watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix. It really goes into depth about how the creators of social media design their apps to hook you and bring you back. I highly recommend watching it – it’ll give you a better understanding of how they gather your information and use it to modify the app to better interest you. Social media apps literally keep track of how long you look at certain ads so that they can use more ads related to the ones they know you didn’t just scroll past. This documentary will make you question your internet usage and possibly even encourage you to delete your social media apps.

……………………..

Tonight’s Reflection Quotes (From The Social Dilemma):

I’m not always the best mom

I’m not always the best mom

Sometimes I raise my voice

Sometimes I just want to be left alone

Sometimes at 3am I mutter that I’m tired of being a mom

Sometimes I don’t pay enough attention

Sometimes I would rather go to a restaurant and not have to deal with a child that can’t still quiet and still for an hour

Sometimes I just want to sleep in

Sometimes I feel like there are others doing far better than me

But I’m trying

I’m human

I thank God every night that I’ve got a healthy, beautiful child that lights up my life

But it’s not always easy

Sometimes I’m easy to get hot headed

And sometimes I say things I don’t mean

But I hope she knows that she is absolutely the best thing about my life

I’m learning and I’m growing

I’m not always the best, but I do try my hardest to help you learn how to navigate this world that is full of emotion, heartbreak, lessons to be learned, and constant change

Summer popsicles ☀️

I Made It

I was promoted from a part-time gig where I worked 26 hours a week to a full-time position with benefits, PTO, quarterly bonuses, and a $3.50 pay raise. This job is usually open to those with a Bachelors degree, but I went for it anyway and ended up getting it.

I’ve been thinking about my career often here lately. I caught myself thinking about work on my drive home from a restaurant tonight. Thinking about work doesn’t sound so strange as it does to think about work in such a positive way. I’m currently in the pricing department of America’s largest food RE distributor, Dot Foods.

This job is different than any other job I’ve ever had. We focus a lot on goals in both a professional and personal sense. We put statistics and actual percentages to these goals which has always intrigued me. I think what most excites me is that I feel like I’m finally doing a “smart person” job. Although I’m still three semesters away from a Bachelor’s degree, I feel like I could really make a career for myself within the company. I often get praised for my work, and from my understanding, I’ve got the best performance when it comes to request turnaround and accuracy.

I don’t know, maybe I sound braggy, but for once I finally feel like I’m appreciated in the workplace. I finally feel like I’m doing a job that aligns with the intelligence that I feel I contain. I’m finally in a role that pushes me, makes me use my brain, and encourages me to be better not only in a capitalistic sense, but also in a way that betters my family, my friends, and my colleagues.

I finally feel like things are coming together and I can’t explain how special that feels after so many hours I’ve spent wondering when/if I was going to make it.

My takeaway: Never give up pursuing your dreams, and when you feel like you’ve finally made it, readjust those goals and set them HIGHER.

I’m happy now, but I’m not going to be complacent. No one changes the world in one day, right?

A Friendly Reminder

Here’s a little reminder to end your week on:

You are fucking awesome.

There is no one else out there like you. Your thoughts, movements, attitude, passions, and interests are exclusive to only you.

Everyone might not love you, but the right people do. Do not overlook those that struggle to express it to you. Sometimes showing compassion is harder than expected.

Never stop searching for your individual purpose. Life changes constantly, so it’s okay if you change along with it.

Loneliness does not last forever.

Use your desire as fuel to accomplish your goals.

Be kind to everyone.

Beauty is more than a skinny waist or perfect hair.

You have survived 100% of your worst days.

I’m at drill soakin up the rest of my weekend. I know I haven’t kept up-to-date on here, but I always want to do better! Stay safe out there friends! Always feel free to drop me some love 👇🏻💋💞