Is nice sometimes –
But other times,
Gets way too loud
Thoughts of a Crazed Daughter
Is nice sometimes –
But other times,
Gets way too loud
I just put my three year old to bed. Once I closed her door, I leaned up against the wall and sighed.
I’m disappointed with the lack of patience I had with her tonight.
I could have done better. I raised my voice.
Our son is four months old and just had his first two teeth pop through, so he cried a greater portion of the entire day. And no matter what I tried, nothing really seemed to soothe him.
I’m exhausted. Tonight is one of those nights where I miss life before kids. I know that’s a bold statement, but cmon. Every mom would admit thoughts like those if they were honest enough.
I’m fragile tonight.
Not to mention, I’m trying to mend my broken heart from the tragic and sudden loss of a dear coworker I shared nearly the last four years of my life with. There are no words to describe the pain of losing someone so brilliant and bright and bubbly. The speculation is killing me, as this happened Monday night and we are still waiting for an obituary and services to be announced. This was a very tragic and traumatic situation, so I do ask for all good vibes, prayers, whatever you do – to be sent to their family at this time. Work will never be the same. I’m in shock and disbelief and this whole week just has me feeling broken and damaged. My heart is wrapped in wire.
We’re all just tryin to make it through. This shit is hard, and that’s a fact. We never know the battles, regrets, and demons that people carry with them everyday.
All being said, try your best not to be too hard on yourself.
I’ve had to take 6 of the last 8 work days off because of lack of daycare 😩
Needless to say, this much time with my littles has me losing my head…
I love them so (mainly my 3 year old has me losing my temper), but sometimes I just want to escape motherhood. I could really use a break. But babysitter and her family has covid and my backup sitter has covid, so I had no choice but to burn all my sick time and some PTO time up. It sucks, but I guess that’s reality when your workplace offers to relief to parents regarding the society we live in.
I’m so sick of covid. I’m so sick of feeling so alone in parenthood. I’m just so tired of feeling stuck.
This too, shall pass. But ughhhh, I’m hoping sooner rather than later !
Tonight’s Reflection Quote:
It’s easier to let go
of an expectation
Than it is to
Hold someone accountable
for letting you down
The world will crumble
And won’t think twice
about taking you with it
Much like a thorn
Who softens it’s prick
for not one soul
You’ll work around it
Ignore the pain
And keep growing
But that failed expectation
Will devastate even
the strongest of forces
I worked two hours this morning and then took the rest of the week off.
I’m so often cautious of using PTO and Vacation hours because of, uh, LIFE. But hey! I needed a break so I finally took some time.
Didn’t do much after work but pick up the house and workout. So I didn’t accomplish a lot of my to do list today, but I did take a short nap, did some yoga, snacked on some foods I enjoy, watched my favorite TV show, and had a margarita.
Self pampering is refreshing. And although I still have some chores to finish, I feel so much tension (physically) released from my shoulders and back. I was able to spend time with myself.
Just me, doing whatever I wanted.
So tonight I’m feeling good. I’m currently sitting at our candlelit table smiling and full of thankfulness. Dylan and I have been giggling all night. What a great night to bring in the holiday.
Goodnight, my friends. It feels good to leave this post with a steadily warm heart ❤️
Tonight’s Reflection Quotes:
I’m an overthinker.
I can be sitting in a room full of friends and still wonder if I’m alone.
I can be held in the arms of a lover and still wonder if I’m loved.
I can be offering advice to someone in need and still wonder if I’m a good person.
I’m a person that yearns for reassurance.
I like hearing ‘I love you’ and I love being invited to do things.
Maybe I’m greedy but I don’t feel like I hear those things enough.
Am I still overthinking?
Maybe I am.
All I know is that I feel so alone and so unloved and so unwanted sometimes that I think my head is going to explode.
How do I stop thinking that the world is out to get me?
Why do I set myself up to feel a heartbreak that isn’t really there?
Overthinking is my character flaw.
Amidst all of it, I know in my heart that I’m a good person and that I’m loved and wanted,
But when is the voice in my head going to stop telling myself otherwise?
I love my scars and I love my skin
I’m not tight and I’m not real thin
The lines shine like silk in the dim of the light
It’s all a resemblance of a long, hard fight
I’ve got a great mind and an even bigger heart
So a mark on my skin is just a work of art
A whole bottle of wine
More drinks to follow
Still don’t know how to feel
The bottle is empty and so am I
Eventually someone will be as obsessed with me
As much as I am obsessed with my own insecurities
Music plays on the stereo
And here I sit
Hoping for silence
Hoping for acceptance
Hoping for a newfound spark of love and appreciation
The empty bottles help
But only in the sense of feeling alone
Because they are here and you are not
They’ve never let me down
But you have
Here’s a little reminder to end your week on:
You are fucking awesome.
There is no one else out there like you. Your thoughts, movements, attitude, passions, and interests are exclusive to only you.
Everyone might not love you, but the right people do. Do not overlook those that struggle to express it to you. Sometimes showing compassion is harder than expected.
Never stop searching for your individual purpose. Life changes constantly, so it’s okay if you change along with it.
Loneliness does not last forever.
Use your desire as fuel to accomplish your goals.
Be kind to everyone.
Beauty is more than a skinny waist or perfect hair.
You have survived 100% of your worst days.
I’m at drill soakin up the rest of my weekend. I know I haven’t kept up-to-date on here, but I always want to do better! Stay safe out there friends! Always feel free to drop me some love 👇🏻💋💞
One year passes fast.
One year with a child? Way faster.
We never know what to expect when we start the journey of motherhood. For me, it felt like I’d never be ready to take on the responsibility of caring for another life besides my own.
The unknown is scary, but to me, the fear of failing was much greater.
I had nieces and nephews and had seen the graceful care that my sisters had given their children. I knew that changing diapers would get old really quick and I knew that formula was expensive. I knew that skin to skin contact was helpful in comforting a newborn and I knew that being a mom would be really hard, but rewarding nonetheless.
But I still didn’t know if I would be cut out for the job.
I’ve always struggled when it comes to showing others the softer, more gentle side of my personality. I’m sarcastic and rough around the edges. I grew up with a lot of anger and resentment towards my own mother that I wondered if I could ever be the mother that I wished I would have had when I was young. I teeter tottered with anxiety and fear the entire nine months that I was pregnant.
But now I have made it ONE ENTIRE YEAR as a mom, and there is just something about that milestone that pushed me to write this post.
One year ago I was sitting in a hospital with a six inch incision in my abdomen, holding a life that I had just brought into this big, scary world. My pain meds had me in and out of consciousness, but I was trying my best to stay awake to stare at this precious child that was just inside of my body just a few short hours prior.
I looked at her cheeks and grasped her little fingers and wondered why I ever worried about becoming a mom in the first place.
We were in the hospital for five days, and then we took our little Della Rae home.
I sit here now thinking about the person I was one year ago compared to the person that I am now.
Strength and confidence now fill the spaces that were once laden with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty.
Others will swear by your beauty, but until you see your smile resembled from the lips of your child, you may never believe that you were ever beautiful at all. I promise you, it was always there. And your child will convince you of it every day.
I now know that my heart knows no bounds. Every time I look at her I feel as if there is no possible way I could love her any more than I do in that moment, and then the next day comes and I’m surprising myself with even more love and joy in my heart that I am afraid it may just explode right out of my chest.
I went to work two months after I had her. I’ve learned a different meaning of working for everything you want. I’m a provider. I’m a learner.
And I’m still just trying to find the right balance.
Motherhood is hard, but in ONE YEAR I’ve become a woman that FEELS powerful, strong, and worthy. I FEEL proud, gentle, and fierce when needed. I feel an immense amount of love, support, and gratitude.
The power that one year can have is something you won’t understand until the year has passed and all you have are the memories of who your baby once was.