Last night was the bright harvest moon. Today I’m looking out at this soybean field that stretches across the street from my front porch, and I’m thinking, ‘Look at the beautiful and gradual change of color within this field. How lucky I feel to have had my hard work pay off and to purchase my own home. And one with a view like this, at that!’
‘A lot of pain, sweat, and tears was shed before I got here. I remember the days dreaming of what I’ve got now.’
Today I’m especially stricken with pride as I enjoy the beautiful day’s views from a front porch swing.
I’ve been sitting here for the last few hours trying to think of something to write about. I had a few lines of poetry flowing in and out of my head, but I don’t like to publish forced work. So instead, I’m just going to reflect on some things in my life that I’m thankful for. I haven’t made one of these lists in awhile, but it’s good to reflect on the good in our lives while in the midst of so much going on.
These are in no specific order.
1. I’m thankful for my beautiful daughter, Della Rae. She is going to make an excellent big sister and she makes being a mother the greatest title ever.
2. My loving fiancé Dylan. He is the best father and BEST pregnancy partner I could have ever dreamed of. Always thankful for our many adventures and how we support one another and learn together through parenthood.
3. I have only two more drills left in the US Army! I’m counting down the days until the end of my contract in August.
4. We are buying our first home! Something that we can call and create our own! We have finally reached the point where we can provide ourselves and our children with a place that seems to have been built for us. It’s exciting to provide for our family in ways we’ve only dreamed of for so very long.
5. Good health. Our friends and family are healthy and that’s always something that can change in an instant.
6. I’ve still got a full time job and bi-weekly paychecks coming in. I’ve got health insurance and paid time off that I can use – a blessing many cannot claim in today’s economy.
7. A healthy pregnancy. We find out the gender next month and thankfully the nausea that wrecked me for weeks has seemingly subsided. We are excited to complete our family!
So much more comes to mind, but that would be listing the many people in my life that mean so very much to me. I’m thankful for all of my friends and family.
I would like to consider myself an expert when it comes to experience as a victim of addiction. Not that I am the addict, but I am the victim of guilt, anger, embarrassment, and shame. All of these feelings I have experienced solely because of the addiction of someone else. I don’t always think that’s fair, but it is the way it is.
I have had amazing, soul-freeing days. Days where I flourished in love and joy. But I’ve also had dark, sinister days where I didn’t care if the sun ever rose again. And I am proud to say that the good days have always outweighed the bad.
Even though my life isn’t the way I want it to be sometimes.
Even though there is a gaping hole where the presence of my mother should be.
Even though I have so much anger and sorrow.
There is still so much to be thankful for.
My mom missed out on every prom I ever went to. Every basketball game I ever played. Every boy I ever cried over. And every tribulation I faced through pregnancy. Those are things that she will never get back, and that is a pain that she and I will have to bear for the rest of our lives.
But I’ll tell you what… I did have people there.
Even though my mom wasn’t in the bleachers at every basketball game, I had family and friends thatwere. Even though my mom didn’t help me unpack the car when I moved into my dorm room when I first went off to college, the man that raised medid. Even though my mom wasn’t there for nearly every single significant moment in my life,I had people there.
I was never alone, and I always felt supported and loved. So even through addiction, there is still so much to be thankful for.