Just a taste

Sometimes I feel like I’m the one that always has her shit together

But sometimes I just wanna lose control

I don’t wanna be responsible

I wanna be wild

I wanna be reckless

I’ve spent my whole life working my ass to prove to everyone that I’m not what I came from

That I’m put together

Accountable

Competent

Rational

But for just once

I’d like to make a little noise

Say what I think

Do what I want

Make messes

Not show up

Just be alone

But what does this say about me?

What does this mean?

I can’t help but wonder what I’ve been missing out on

I hardly learned lessons the hard way when I was young

I’m beginning to think I don’t know myself at all

Who is this woman who yearns for disruption

Yearns the chase

The uncertainty and unpredictability

For she is on the edge of a reckoning

And just wants a taste

Our garden: Year 2

Today marked the real start of planting for our 2022 garden. You may remember, I wrote about this last year– we had to plant all of our tomatoes and jalapeños in a pot since we were renting and couldn’t till our own true garden.

2021 actually brought us a pretty decent yield considering we grew everything in containers and kept them alive through the move into our new home.

But this year, we’re excited. We are making our plans to start a real garden sown outdoors since we finally own our own land. FINALLY we own a home and can do as we please, and a big part of who we want to become is becoming more self-sustained; which will be improved with the bearings of fresh, real food harvested from a garden less than 25 yards away.

We have big plans, but also understand that we are new to this ( and any advice is highly appreciated). We have plans for tomatoes, jalapeños, corn, bush beans, snap peas, onions, strawberries, cilantro, spinach, cucumbers, radishes, asparagus, carrots, mint, basil, and possibly more that I can’t think of right now. We also have an apple tree. I’d like to get some berry bushes and a couple more fruit trees planted this spring.

Now, if we actually get all of these to harvest? Who knows. We are new to this, so our expectations are in line with some disappointment but also some great fresh produce. I’m particularly interested in growing the spices and seasonings, and also hoping we can finally get some onion to harvest. We’ve failed with onions before, but I’d really like to venture into making homemade salsa, pickles, and spaghetti sauce!

Today I started the jalapeño and tomatoes seeds so that they can germinate indoors and eventually be transplanted out in the yard in 6-8 weeks.

Dylan has started with putting some stakes in the yard so that we can fence in the garden. The other night we woke around 3am to notice eight deer roaming our backyard. We watched them for a bit, as it was fun to watch them simply roam.

More to come on the garden front – we are so excited! I will update as the garden season progresses!

My heart can’t rest

I just put my three year old to bed. Once I closed her door, I leaned up against the wall and sighed.

I’m disappointed with the lack of patience I had with her tonight.

I could have done better. I raised my voice.

Our son is four months old and just had his first two teeth pop through, so he cried a greater portion of the entire day. And no matter what I tried, nothing really seemed to soothe him.

I’m exhausted. Tonight is one of those nights where I miss life before kids. I know that’s a bold statement, but cmon. Every mom would admit thoughts like those if they were honest enough.

I’m fragile tonight.

Not to mention, I’m trying to mend my broken heart from the tragic and sudden loss of a dear coworker I shared nearly the last four years of my life with. There are no words to describe the pain of losing someone so brilliant and bright and bubbly. The speculation is killing me, as this happened Monday night and we are still waiting for an obituary and services to be announced. This was a very tragic and traumatic situation, so I do ask for all good vibes, prayers, whatever you do – to be sent to their family at this time. Work will never be the same. I’m in shock and disbelief and this whole week just has me feeling broken and damaged. My heart is wrapped in wire.

We’re all just tryin to make it through. This shit is hard, and that’s a fact. We never know the battles, regrets, and demons that people carry with them everyday.

All being said, try your best not to be too hard on yourself.

Rest In Peace, sweet Kayla – Thank you for being someone that pushed me and helped me see deeper into myself. I will take what you taught me and continue to remember the light you lit for our entire team 🕊🤍

Check in on your friends!

We all have an old friend that we think about and say, ‘I should really hit them up sometime” but never do.

Life happens. We get busy. We don’t always prioritize relationships with our friends like we should.

Well, here’s your reminder: Check in on your pals. Even if you don’t know what to say. Even if it’s hard. Tell them you think about them. Tell them you love them.

You never know what someone is going through and life is too short to live quietly.

EOD Thoughts: 01.19.2022

I’ve had to take 6 of the last 8 work days off because of lack of daycare 😩

Needless to say, this much time with my littles has me losing my head…

I love them so (mainly my 3 year old has me losing my temper), but sometimes I just want to escape motherhood. I could really use a break. But babysitter and her family has covid and my backup sitter has covid, so I had no choice but to burn all my sick time and some PTO time up. It sucks, but I guess that’s reality when your workplace offers to relief to parents regarding the society we live in.

I’m so sick of covid. I’m so sick of feeling so alone in parenthood. I’m just so tired of feeling stuck.

This too, shall pass. But ughhhh, I’m hoping sooner rather than later !

Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

Enough is enough.

Today I want to touch on a topic that I have not yet written about on Between the Lens.

And unfortunately, a sad series of events has tugged on my heart enough to compel me to write this to all of you.

In May of 2021, a young woman attended a graduation party, where she drank alcohol and swam in a pool in her underwear before passing out. She woke to a pillow being pushed in her face while being sexually assaulted. You can read more of the details here.

This case is from my hometown, so this hits very close to home.

On January 3rd, Judge Robert Adrian reversed his previous guilty verdict and gave the following statements in open court:

“Mr. Clinton has served almost five months in the county jail, 148 days. For what happened in this case, that is plenty of punishment.”

Let us note that the defendant in this case openly admitted to intercourse, claiming that he had consent. At the time of the incident, he was 18 and his victim was 16. By Illinois law, the legal age of consent is 17. So what I don’t understand is how this is statutory rape at minimum!

Judge Adrian went on,

“By law, the court is supposed to sentence this young man to the Department of Corrections. This Court will not do that. That is not just. There is no way for what happened in this case that this teenager should go to the Department of Corrections. I will not do that.”

“The court is going to reconsider its verdict, is going to find the Defendant not guilty on Count 3. And, therefore, the case — the Defendant will be released from custody.”

I also wanted to add that this young woman immediately went to her friends and told them what had happened, and the next morning they all went and reported it to her father who then called the police. This just backs up the fact that she was telling the truth. What young teenager would want to go through that just for attention?

But all of this is beside the fact.

People will bring up the fact that she was underage drinking.

They will bring up that she was swimming in a pool in her underwear.

Your outfit does not determine your consent.

Period.

So this case is infuriating, disgusting, and an abuse of power. It’s gaining national coverage for good reason. People are outraged.

As they should be.

Verdicts like this silence survivors of sexual assault. This is detrimental in giving victims their voice and power over their abusers.

I want to encourage all people, men and women, to have the courage to speak your truth. And even if you never gain that courage, you still matter and you need no validation. Do what is best for you and your healing. My heart goes out to all that have ever been in this situation. May you get the closure you need. We are loud in instances like this because ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

The judge may not have held him accountable, but the public is. And I love to see it.

I’m curious as to what you all think. Drop a comment & let’s discuss.

………………………………………………………………………………..

Read more about this story here:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/judge-robert-adrian-drew-clinton-sexual-assualt-conviction-reverse/

https://nypost.com/2022/01/13/illinois-judge-robert-adrian-slammed-for-reversing-teen-drew-clintons-rape-conviction/

Read more about Judge Robert Adrian:

https://www.newsweek.com/judge-kicks-prosecutor-out-court-liking-facebook-comment-critical-him-1668868

Sign the petition to file charges against Judge Adrian for abuse of judicial discretion here:

https://www.change.org/p/illinois-courts-commission-file-charges-against-judge-adrian-for-abuse-of-judicial-discretion-and-power

#JusticeforCammy

Goodbye, sorrow

Goodbye, sorrow,

I lie to myself.

Why do I feel the need to not feel what I feel?

I’m allowed to be angry

And I’m allowed to feel that anger as long as I need to.

There is no time limit on healing.

It comes in waves.

I’ll feel overwhelmingly fine,

And I’ll be unresentful.

But then sometimes I feel so full of anger

And wonder.

How did this happen? Why did it have to be this way?

Sometimes I feel guilty for having an understanding of the word hate.

And then I’ll be okay again, feeling guilty for living like it doesn’t matter.

But it does.

I’ll just whisper to myself,

Goodbye, sorrow

The Thorned Rose

It’s easier to let go

of an expectation

Than it is to

Hold someone accountable

for letting you down

The world will crumble

And won’t think twice

about taking you with it

Much like a thorn

Who softens it’s prick

for not one soul

You’ll work around it

Ignore the pain

And keep growing

But that failed expectation

Will devastate even

the strongest of forces

This is hard

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning

It’s 9pm and my daily to do list still has five things left on it…

Oh shit, the baby is waking up. Better make a bottle of formula since I suck and forgot to pump

It’s takes so long to sit down and put him to the breast

I wanted my breastfeeding journey to be much longer but I’m afraid it’s dwindling down

I’m trying my best but I’m in my head

I still have to do my college homework

What am I doing?

I take on all of these things and I have no one to take the kids to when I need some time away

I’m stuck here

In this world of everlasting responsibility

And there’s no clocking out

I’m tired. So so tired

But I’ll continue to rise