Drug Courts & A Failed F*cking System

I wrote a few weeks back that my mom was getting out of jail and going to rehab. I was excited, but I tried hiding it. Part of me knew something was going to fall out. The thing about hope is that even though you can prepare yourself to be let down, you can’t prepare yourself enough to not feel the hurt of failed expectations.

She went to rehab for five days.

Five days.

Five. 

Days.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t heartbroken, but how I feel is much more than just a heartbreak.

I am furious.

 

I am furious at the system. I am furious at our courts. I am furious at the people that turn a blind eye when they know that someone needs their help.

SHE COULD BE A MOTHER. She could have been our mother for YEARS now if someone would have taken even a SECOND to pay attention to what the hell was going on in our situation.

It all started in the early 2000’s. The first time she was arrested for possession and fighting. I would have been around five years old. So you arrest a young mother for fighting on the streets while high on who-knows-what, and you’re not going to do anything to make sure it doesn’t happen again? What about the second time? Third time? Fourth time?

Oh, right. THAT’S when we finally take the kids.

But she should have been provided the rehabilitation and help she so desperately needed WAAAAYYYY before it ever got that bad. It has been eighteen years since this all started and nothing has been done to help her. I am furious because in this country drug addicts can relapse and relapse and relapse and get locked up several times without getting any help! By now, we should all be aware that it is cheaper to rehabilitate addicts so they don’t relapse than it is to lock them up over and over and over again…

When did we stop caring about people? Or rather, why don’t we care more about people? It is unfortunate that many addicts’ stories are just like my mother’s. An endless cycle of drug addiction, arrest, lengthy prison sentence, release, and then it starts all over again. And again. And again.

I lost my mother because our court system is designed to allow addicts to fail. 

She was arrested this last time for possession of meth. She was sent to a rehabilitation facility for FIVE DAYS after a twenty year-long span of drug addiction. Do you want to know why? Because they release those that aren’t seen as a risk of relapsing. 

ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS???!

She has been an addict for twenty f*cking years and you’re gonna tell me that after FIVE DAYS in your facility, you think she isn’t going to go right back to the drugs?! WHAT. A. JOKE.

This is what I mean when I say that the system is designed to let people like her fail.

I am heartbroken. Outraged. Furious. Disgusted. Appalled.

If she would have gotten help the first time she was seen as having a problem, I could have a mom in my life right now. But instead I’m sitting here pissed off, writing a blog about how the government helped in making my life a living hell.

Mental Health Awareness Month

I’ve never talked about mental health on my blog before, but I figured it’s a great topic to talk about, and since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, there’s no better time than now!

When I think about words that describe myself, I first think about words like happy, energetic, motivated, determined, etc. But the truth is, there are more times than I’d like to admit where I feel the exact opposite of those. There are days I want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep the day away. There are days where I feel sad, have no energy, no motivation, and no patience.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. (46.6 million people) experience mental illness in a given year. Also, mood disorders, (including major depression, dysthymic disorder and bipolar disorder) are the third most common cause of hospitalization in the U.S. for both youth and adults 18–44 years old.

So if so many people are affected by a mental illness, why do I feel so alone when we realize that I may be suffering, too?

When I look back on my life, my darkest time was definitely throughout my junior high school years. I remember talking to the school counselor a lot during my 6th, 7th, and 8th grade years. It was the time in my life where I most struggled with the absence of my mom. I think it was when I first started to fully understand what had happened to me and began to realize that my life was much different that those of my classmates. I was angry a lot of the time. I grew up in a family of six siblings, and at this time I remember I would get in trouble a lot for hitting on them. I don’t consider myself a hostile person, but at that time I was looking for an outlet of my emotions that didn’t involve talking about or dealing with the severity of them. I resented my mom and the fact that she chose drugs over my sister and I, but my sister was years younger than I was and couldn’t fully understand what had happened. She was only 3 when DCFS took us from our mom. So I was dealing with all of those demons completely alone- even the person that I went through this with couldn’t help me.

It was my eighth grade year when I hit rock bottom. I had a bedroom in our basement, and my bed was one of those bunk beds that had a desk under it instead of a second mattress. I was sitting at that desk listening to some of Eminem’s darkest songs and thinking about how much I hated what I was going through. I got up and searches the medicine cabinet for any and all pills I could find.

I went back to my desk, laid the pills out, and started writing goodbye letters to my loved ones. Before I got through the last letter, I was bawling and starting to realize that this wasn’t something I could go through with. I imagined what my family would be like as they read these letters, and I realized I loved them WAY too much to put them through something like that.

I went to school the next day. During PE hour, I gave my best friend the letter I had wrote her the night before and explained to her what I was feeling. We cried together in the locker room and she took me to go get help from a teacher.

I’ll never forget that moment.

We grew apart in the following years, but I have treasured that moment of love and understanding for all of these years. She was the one that picked me up without judgement and led me to the help I needed. I love her for that to this very day.

Many years ago!!

There is no shame in getting the help you need. I recently read a post on Facebook that said something along the lines of hoping that one day getting help for mental health would be as normal as going to the doctor for an injury, and that getting released from school for mental health would be as normal as leaving for a tummy ache. What a world that would be. Let’s end the stigma against mental illness and help those suffering get the help they need.

Being Blunt About Rumors

One of the worst things someone can say is: “So I heard something about you.” Long story short, this happened to me today. *face palm* *long deep breath*

Now I’m sure you’ve all experienced some sort of conversation starter like this one. Ya know, the conversation starter that makes your heart start to beat fast and forces you to wonder exactly what you might have done wrong in the past… It’s just a truly gut-wrenching feeling.

After I was told what the rumor was, I kind of chuckled to myself. Who in their right mind made this up? It’s almost relieving after you initially hear a rumor about yourself when you know that it’s not true.

I am 21 years old and I live in a small town away from where I grew up as a kid. So I am much older and don’t know anyone from the local high school, yet there seemed to be a rumor going around about me out there. What the haaaaiiil???

Let me be blunt. Rumors suck. Don’t start ’em, don’t spread ’em, don’t repeat ’em, don’t acknowledge ’em, don’t even listen to ’em! Just MIND YO BUSINESS.

When you acknowledge a rumor’s possibility to be true, you automatically determine the target of the rumor guilty. It doesn’t matter if they are or not. People aren’t interested in the possibility of innocence. Some people want a dramatic, juicy story, and they don’t care if it’s at the expense of someone else’s reputation or emotions.

I don’t care if you know the rumor to be true or not. If it’s not about you, shut the hell up! The world would be a better place if everyone would mind their own business and loved one another.

Moral of the story: “If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind or share it with your big mouth.”

Rant over. đź‘Ť

Why I Don’t Feel Bad About Abandoning Toxic People

I have always been the type to be easily angered. I will graciously admit that. What the “old me” would do when I saw something that pissed me off would be to confront the situation immediately. I’ve always thought that if you have something to say, say it. These days I’ve kind of abandoned that idea. One, I have grown up and gained a lot more knowledge on my place in society; and two, I have a new outlet that I can vent whenever I want and write about whatever I feel.

For starters, I think that most people are generally good. I think most people will make the right decision in a tough situation, and I’d even go far enough to say that most people don’t intentionally try to piss you off.

However,

there are people that will.

There are people out there that are rooting for you to fail. There are people that scroll through social media just looking for a life to bash on, and there are people that will never have your back, no matter what they may say while hugging you goodbye at family get-togethers.

This one’s for you.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Some stay with you for a lifetime, some teach you life lessons, some push you to become a better person. Most times you don’t realize what a person’s purpose is in your life until it’s time to cut them out.

But how do you know when the right time is?

When a person is no longer benefiting your happiness, success, or well-being, it’s time to cut them OUT.

You don’t have to allow a toxic person a place in your life. If there is no benefit to keeping you in my life… BYE! Let me promise you that it has nothing to do with anything other than if you’re a shitty person or not. I don’t discriminate on this. Haha. I have family I’ve abandoned simply because they serve me no purpose towards my success or goals. Here’s why I don’t feel bad about abandoning toxic people:

You don’t call and congratulate me when I succeed. Not that I need a pat on the back, but if claim that you want me to do well and are (oh I love this one) “there for me,” then picking up the phone every once in awhile goes a long way. I’m just going to assume that you’re secretly hoping that I mess something up.

You just assume things about my life.  If we don’t actively communicate, you don’t know what is going on. So why don’t you keep your name out of my mouth and quit making posts on Facebook about what you think. Because your assumptions are judgmental and well, just wrong. 🙂

I’m not part of your “in-crowd.” You can tell how important you are to a person. If you don’t fit their agenda or call them out on their bullshit, you can kiss your Christmas presents goodbye! I don’t live my life playing the puppet of what others want me to be. I am who I am, and if you don’t appreciate that, it’s not my job to try and change it. I’m confident enough in myself that I don’t have to give a damn about your in-crowd.

You don’t actually do anything for me. I think this speaks for itself. We don’t talk. You don’t call me and I really don’t see the need in calling you first. I don’t particularly like you as a person as it is. All I’m saying it, there’s really no need to have you in my life.

.

You are better than those that try to run you down.

 

Maybe you think you’re better than me, but I just really don’t have time to waste on people that only hold me down. And to be honest, I’m not sorry if that pisses you off.