I’m an overthinker.

I can be sitting in a room full of friends and still wonder if I’m alone.

I can be held in the arms of a lover and still wonder if I’m loved.

I can be offering advice to someone in need and still wonder if I’m a good person.

I’m a person that yearns for reassurance.

I like hearing ‘I love you’ and I love being invited to do things.

Maybe I’m greedy but I don’t feel like I hear those things enough.

Am I still overthinking?

Maybe I am.

All I know is that I feel so alone and so unloved and so unwanted sometimes that I think my head is going to explode.

How do I stop thinking that the world is out to get me?

Why do I set myself up to feel a heartbreak that isn’t really there?

Overthinking is my character flaw.

Amidst all of it, I know in my heart that I’m a good person and that I’m loved and wanted,

But when is the voice in my head going to stop telling myself otherwise?

EOD Thoughts: 10.29.2020

I’m currently sitting on the couch next to my daughter as she watches YouTube Kids on my phone. I have mixed feelings about letting my daughter consume a lot of technology, but when it comes down to it… Sometimes I just need a break. And I did a bit of research on the topic of technology and our children last night because I want to publish something regarding it. I don’t really want to get too deep into the topic until I finish my other article, but it just seems fitting tonight because here we are… Both on the couch enjoying ourselves through the Internet.

YouTube Kids is actually a really great app if you have kids and are weary about letting them on your phone. When you first open the app, you’re able to create a profile for your child that includes their age, so all of the videos that show up are age appropriate. Unlike the regular YouTube app, YouTube Kids has no advertisements or pop-ups that are often frustrating to the average user. This ensures that they are unable to click on bait or advertisements that redirect your child to a potentially inappropriate website.

I don’t let my daughter on too often, but sometimes you’ve just got to pick your battles. The other night we had to run into the grocery store for a few things. I got her out of the car and as I tried to sit her in the cart, she stiffened her legs and refused to get in. I mean, I literally couldn’t even get her into the store, so I figured if I wanted to be able to shop in peace, I may as well let her win this round. I turned on YouTube kids and didn’t hear a peep out of her the whole time I shopped. I know it is a difficult battle – making sure your child doesn’t get too reliant on tech while also staying sane. My child gets maybe 20 minutes a night and that’s after she has played all day long with no screen time.

We are living in a technologically advanced world. There are certain battles that we no longer have to fight. If you are against screen time for your children, I urge you to consider this before you judge or shame mothers for not feeling the same. If 20 minutes of quiet is all I get in a day because my child is watching videos of nursery rhymes on a phone, I don’t feel bad for giving it to her in exchange for my own peace of mind.


Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: 10.28.2020

My work schedule is currently two days in the office and three days working from home. I went in to the office today and although I like working from home, going into the office is kind of nice because I get the chance to interact with people and I definitely am more productive when I’m in the office.

We must wear masks when we are up there unless we are at our own personal cubicles. There is a temperature check machine that we must use before we even clock in, and sanitizer is found all over the building. I appreciate that they are taking precautions and I really do feel like the entire company cares about the safety of their employees (Ignore the fact that the CEO and President of the company both went to a huge wedding and both contracted the virus).

I’ve pretty much been in the house since the end of June, so something as simple as going into the office to work gets me excited. I love my kid and all, but only hanging out with a toddler for four months can make a person go a liiiittle bit crazy…

I may as well get used to being at home because it looks like the region of our state will go back into regulation tomorrow, as our governor has mandated that three consecutive days of an 8+ percent positivity rate will result in curfews, no more indoor dining, and business closures at 9pm. I know we don’t always agree with those “in charge,” but I can tell you right now I would not want to be the one making these life and death decisions. It’s a tough place to be in. Families of small businesses are at risk of losing everything and others are losing their lives. How can you possibly make a decision that pleases everyone? I just ask that you all make sure you are doing your part to help. Wash your hands and wear your mask when necessary.

I hope you all are doing well and I look forward to hearing from some of you! 🙂


Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: Night Two

Happy Tuesday!

It’s been a busy week already. It’s only Tuesday and I’m already looking forward to Friday.

Sunday night Della painted her pumpkin. I really can’t believe how well she did considering she isn’t even two, but painting a pumpkin at her age is way easier than carving one. Dylan and I brought our pumpkins inside but we didn’t get the chance to carve them yet. What have you all carved into yours? I haven’t decided on what I want to do and I need some inspiration.

Della’s painted pumpkin

Fast forward to last night.

Dylan continued with his new shift at work this week, so I was at home last night with Della. This girl gives me a run for my money sometimes because let me tell ya… This girl can WHINE. That’s pretty much all she did from 5 o’clock until 7 when she begged me to put her to bed. I put her to bed and she still continued to scream. Let’s just say I ended the night with a bottle of wine sitting on the couch binging Grey’s Anatomy.

By 11 o’clock she was up crying again. We put her in our bed and tried to get her back down with no luck. But 2 o’clock this morning we were still pleading with her to go to sleep. I moved to the couch at about 4am so I could at least get some rest before I had to get up for work. When my alarm went off at 6:30, Dylan and her were both asleep and she was lookin reaaaal comfy laying in my spot on the bed (Go figure).

Tonight has been better. We didn’t put away the paint from painting her pumpkin so she begged to paint some more. I figured it would be easier cleaning the paint off of her than it would be to deal with a screaming child all night for the second night in a row. So I went to our basement, grabbed some bottles, and let her paint on them. I used to paint bottles and decorate them for homemade gifts, so I figured letting her paint some would be a cute gift we can give family. I always appreciate homemade gifts made by kids!

Now she is playing contently and I’m sitting in my nook writing away. I don’t have a lot to say besides that being a mom is overwhelming sometimes. I know I will one day miss these days, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes sulk when parenting gets hard. I just try to remind myself that tomorrow will be a new day. And really, that’s all we can do. Life is pretty crazy right now all around. I have so much anxiety about the upcoming election, the coronavirus pandemic, work, holidays, and Della. I’m wondering if there will ever be an end to all of the madness. I guess I should try to accept that life is going to be a bit different for awhile.

Hang in there, folks. Use this site as a platform to get your emotions out. We may not have the close contact relationships with friends like we used to, but we do have an amazing outlet for stress through writing. We will get through this stronger.


Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

EOD Thoughts: Night One

It’s sort of amazing how fast life can change.

And a lot has changed in the last WEEK.

Last week I was still laid off of work and spending every day at home playing with Della and living off of unemployment checks.

This week I am back to work and Della started at a new daycare.

Last week Dylan was working 6am – 4:30pm hating a job that he wasn’t appreciated at.

This week he was promoted to a supervisor position and his schedule is now 11am – 8pm. He earned $1 more and his entire attitude about work is different.

So now he will have mornings with Della while I work and I’ll have Della of the evenings while he works. It will be a change in routine, but now I may have a bit more time to write of the evenings while I watch Della play. I’m fortunate that my office and her playroom are in the same room so I still get to interact with her while she plays.

So here’s to new beginnings and new series… End-Of-Day (EOD) Thoughts !!!

Stay tuned, friends


Tonight’s Reflection Quote:

The Apology That Never Came

I was a hot head for a long time growing up. I think it had a lot to do with the resentment and uncertainty I had in the relationship I had (or lacked) with my mom. I often got in trouble well into my junior high years for hitting my siblings. I was angry and I took it out on the people that surrounded me.

When I was in high school I secretly wrote letters to my mom in prison – against the wishes of my aunt and uncle who were raising me at the time. They, with their adult wisdom, knew that engaging with my mother during such a detrimental stage of my life would be very toxic. But I was young, foolish, and full of feelings that I wanted my mother to know about. I had a friend who let me use her address for my mother’s responses and she would bring me the letters at school, without my aunt or uncle knowing.

In those letters I would spew my deepest, darkest emotions of hatred and retaliation with such imagery it would have made a film maker gasp. It felt good to know that my mother would most likely weep when she read the awful things I wrote in my letters to her. Writing those letters was the only sense of control I felt I had at a time in my life when I felt like my life was controlled by other peoples’ decisions.

The letters came and went for months, but the more and more I expressed my disdain to my mother, the more pain was piled on top of me. I though I was somehow transferring the pain she she’d given me back to her, but instead I was secretly hoping I’d recieve the one thing that was never going to come.

For whatever reason, my broken heart had always hoped I would receive some sort of apology. Some sign from my mom that she had remorse for the irreparable damage she’d caused. But I was naïve because even if her response back to my heartfelt letters was an apology, her actions never backed it up to make the words mean anything. I thought that if I saw the words “I’m sorry” in her handwriting, it would make the pain of her actions go away. I now understand that an apology without changed behavior is just empty words. It doesn’t heal, it just aggravates your sense of hope.

Part of me is glad that my mother never responded back acknowledging her mistakes or vowing to change, because it meant that never acquired the impression that she that she had any intention of changing. Her letters were instead filled with excuses and placing the blame of her actions onto anyone and everyone except for herself. Every letter I received from her threw me back into a pit of rage until one day I made the decision to not reply.

I like to think that was the true turning point when I accepted what was and made the decision to stop allowing her choices define who I wanted to become and what I wanted to accomplish. It empowered me to move on and release some of the anger I had been holding onto for so very long. It allowed me to enjoy the presence of those around me – the people that cared if I failed or succeeded; because at the end of the day, they were the people pushing me, loving me, and rooting for me.

I am forever grateful to the people that picked me up, held me accountable for my mistakes, and showed me the value of love outside of the norm; but most importantly, taught me just how great life can be when you are no longer waiting on an apology that will never come.